Tag Archives: email

Phishing for compliments

Oh shit, my Bank Of America bank account I didn’t know I had needs me to click this link that doesn’t take me to the Bank Of America website so I can put my details in it for them even though it’s not the Bank Of America quite clearly also I don’t have a Bank Of America bank account also the email was addressed to ‘dear customer’ and not ‘oi, Ian, you owe us money’ like it normally is.

But hey, it’s some excitement for the weekend, right?

These phishers – I hate that word – need some more creativity. Some more panache. A more believable story. Have they not seen Reservoir Dogs? The truth is in the details – that’s how you convince people your story, which is absolute bullshit, is genuine. THEN they’ll send you $30,000 in order to get $45m back when you regain access to your frozen assets that were taken from you by your evil uncle or whatever.

As this is the case, I’ve decided on a new business venture: I will email back every phisher who gets in touch with me. In my response I will offer to coach them on the finer points of how to write something more believable, or captivating – something that will get people to actually fall into their trap so they can make a quick buck in a fraudulent manner.

I mean, obviously they’ll have to pay me a sum before I can teach them anything – I’m not doling out free education. What do you think I am? Socialism? A hippy? Someone who believes in equality? Pshaw.

Anyway, before I can teach them anything, they will be required to send $30,000 to a Western Union account for me. As soon as I have received the money I will forward them the details of what they need to do in order to be successful at scamming people out of money.

It’s a deal with no drawbacks.

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A smartphone discovery NONE OF YOU* HAVE EVER DISCOVERED BEFORE

I will admit to having some reservations about getting myself a smartphone. For one, they’re called ‘smartphones’, which is a dickish term if ever I’ve heard one**. Also, most people who own smartphones have iPhones, and I’ve had my say on that whole crowd before. Well, some of the crowd. Well, likely the minority of the crowd, but the most vocal. Also my phone did what I needed it to do, so why would I bother?

Anyway, as I’ve pointed out a few times before, my old phone came to the end of its 24-month contract, so I got a new one. A smart one. One the size of a small house. And I am a complete and total convert, just a week into ownership.

Yes, it has Angry Birds for free, but who (while at the same time as being me) actually gives a fuck? And yes, I can freely and openly download emulators for the GBA, SNES, Mega Drive and even PlayStation (and ROMs (games) too, which is weird as surely it’s massively illegal?), but why does that matter?

See, what actually got me – something I hadn’t really considered before – was that while standing outside the pub the other day definitely not smoking a cigarette I got a beep. “Oh! A message!” I thought, “what a glorious day this will be!” I checked, and it was a message – only it was AN EMAIL MESSAGE DIRECT FROM THE INTERNET. My mind: blown.

So yes, it means I have little excuse for not being reachable all the time by everyone, but for now at least the novelty is still fresh. Even if 99% of what I get is junk from casinos. And that’s your lot for today.

*All of you.

**Speaking of technology being smart: BAM. Though admittedly that’s a bit of a stupid comparison, as our brains don’t work like computers and vice versa. ANYWAY.

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Topshop? MORE LIKE TOPSHIT.

I have a headache, so posting a complaint email I sent to Topshop’s customer service department a couple of hours ago will have to suffice for today’s entry. They are useless whelks and I hope they burn. No individuals, just the whole concept of Topshop.

Hello,

I have just received the email quoted below. Seeing as it provides no reason whatsoever, I would like to know why this order has been cancelled. This is the fifth time this has happened now – four for my girlfriend, who has been trying in vain to make an order and now, as far as I can tell for no reason whatsoever, an order for the same item made with completely different details – i.e. mine – has been cancelled too.

What on earth is going on? I have money in my account, the billing and shipping addresses are present and correct, the card details were in order – I’m even on the electoral register, so it can’t be ‘proof of address’ nonsense I’ve encountered before. What is the problem? Why is this happening? Why are Topshop seemingly committed to not taking my girlfriend’s money?

Of course this does mean neither I or my other half will be using your site again to make any orders, such is the monumental stupidity of a system that bans legitimate buyers from making purchases. So please – no offers to placate or sort the order out. The issue has been raised many times before and it has never been sorted out thanks to some phenomenally poor customer service, so we’re beyond that. Your competitors win this round, because they’ll be the ones getting her cash.

I just want to know what in the blue hell is causing our orders to be cancelled? An allergy to Bournemouth, perhaps? Jealousy that the coat might look too good on my girlfriend? Maybe we’re considered too low-brow to be allowed to spend our money at the Mecca of classy clothing that is ‘Top’ ‘Shop’? Any answer is better than “YOUR ORDER HAS BEEN CANCELLED, CALL THIS PREMIUM-RATE PHONE NUMBER TO FIND OUT WHY”.

I await your response on the edge of my seat. No, literally – I’m perched here. My clammy buttocks are clinging on for dear life. I hope you respond before they run out of energy and I plummet to the office floor. Really, I do. Otherwise I’ll have another thing to be royally peeved about, and I’ll blame that on Topshop too.

Ian Dransfield

I haven’t heard back from them yet. Bastards.

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