Tag Archives: england

Fanny fans

I’m in a strange position right now. I haven’t cared much for the England national football team for a number of years now – but I haven’t been one to claim I didn’t care about their fortunes. Mainly because I clearly did.

I was annoyed with them constantly, I hated how none of them cared about playing for the country and how celebrations on scoring would be arrogant over ecstatic. They pissed me off. But there was still some slight love for the team of ’96 resonating in my face. And even some from the ’90 squad. I still supported England.

But this time around I’d had enough. The team was too full of pricks, the national attitude too ridiculous for me to even consider getting caught up in it. I wouldn’t even bother going out of my way to watch England’s games this year – not after I wasted so much time two years ago putting myself through that shite.

But then it turned out I wasn’t alone in this. Others felt the same. Even the papers didn’t really bother getting on board the whole thing, not even trying to claim “we” would be able to do anything of any real worth in the Euros.

And that’s where it went strange. Because I got confused. Because if everyone doesn’t care about England, then I’m thinking the same as the people. And I don’t want to think the same as the people, because I hate the people.

And so it is that I think I might actually be Big Into England in Euro 2012, all because the rest of you unpatriotic twats hate the three lions and Roy’s wonderboys. COME ON LADS EN GER LAAAND EN GER LAAAAND ENG ER LAAAAAAND.

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A late entry to the Englandpinion pile

The analysis has all been and gone, it’s all said and done and all the rest of it. In fact, there doesn’t seem to have been as much of a post-mortem about England’s performance yesterday as I expected – likely because of massive embarrassment on everyone’s part (and definitely not just because I’ve barely watched or read anything newsy today. Definitely). But anyway, I haven’t had my say, so I’m going to talk about why England completely and totally failed yesterday.

  1. They’re shit and over-rated.
  2. They play too many games (see: all players from other leagues shining, all players from Premiership failing).
  3. All of them play in the domestic league, meaning they don’t actually know how to play anything other than English football.
  4. No one cared as much as Stuart Pearce (see image).

That’s about it, really. I could go into more rambling detail, I’m sure, but there’s nothing more boring than football opinions – as I’ve said before. But I will say, in relation to point two: look at how Robinho is playing tonight, and compare that to how he was playing at City/how he would be playing had he been there all season. It’s plainer than a Bulgarian pin-up (a Red Dwarf joke than no longer works as we now know all Bulgarians, and Eastern Europeans in general, are hot).

Anyway, that’s my two bits. It’s a short entry, but it could have been reeeeally long. So count yourselves lucky.

ITV are now literally discussing whether the British refs will get to the final. And now they’ve just made a joke I made ages ago. I’m no better than them. Sigh.

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FIFA World Cup 2010 predictions – groups C-D

Well, I started it so I’m going to finish it. Who knows, maybe it’ll get funnier this time? Or actually be funny. We can but try.

Group C

Slovenia: Tired of being mixed up with neighbours and soundalikes Slovakia, it will be the Slovenian national football team that puts in motion the first steps towards changing the name of the country to something more individual. For their second and third group games – and no more, as they won’t get past this stage – the team will wear a newly-designed strip with the country’s name as ‘The Mega-Republic of Tittybumnia’. There’s no saying how popular this will prove.

USA: The USA will be eliminated… *snigger*… after they think they can play in pads… *titter*… and use bats to hit the ball… *giggle*… and use the wrong terms to describe the action, like “shut-out” and “overtime”… *guffaw*… and something about hoops and basketball shorts… *laugh*… THE STUPID COLONIALS.

England: Will undoubtedly disappoint, seeing as it’s impossible to live up to the expectations of a nation of complete morons, such are those who inhabit this very nation. Shaun Wright-Phillips will probably play again. This will prove, once more, that there is no god. Out in the quarters.

Algeria: After a quick blast on the FIFA World Cup game, the Algerian coach Rabah Saadane will adopt a similar strategy to anyone playing as the Algerians in the game do: pass it to Belhadj. It won’t be as successful in real life.

Group D

Ghana: The nation will collectively tire of ITV’s constant replays of Marcel Desailly’s celebration of Ghana’s goal against Serbia. This ‘tiring’ will manifest itself first in the national team withdrawing themselves from the tournament and will soon spiral into scenes of civil unrest, culminating in all-out civil war. ITV will continue to play replays of Desailly’s celebration.

Germany: Will shock the world by proving they are indeed a more than competent footballing nation, able of carrying off a technical passing game with as much care and attention as the true greats on the world stage… oh, no, wait – wrong country. That was the text for Zaire.

Australia: Will remain in that strange position in the minds of everyone where nobody sees the point in putting any Aussie players in their fantasy league team. Even though Tim Cahill is good and Marco Bresciano was quite good on Football Manager once, there just won’t be anything the… sigh… “Socceroos” will be able to do to convince the general public there’s any point in having their players in fantasy sides.

Serbia: Poor performances will eventually be revealed to be a result of Serbia as a whole missing its old lover, Montenegro. Like many break-ups, it won’t have been immediately evident to anyone else but it has actually had a huge effect on everyone even slightly associated with Serbia. The news will make everyone in the world cry. And Serbia will do fuck all in the World Cup.

Well, yes I am tempted to abandon this. But, then, it is two more easy entries. Ah, thinking/writing out loud.

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What do you mean there are other countries in the World Cup?

Oh, hello World Cup. Nice to see you. Been a while. What’s that you say? The opening coverage of the tournament is being provided by ITV, thus meaning I can – once again – whine about the sheer, godawful ineptitude of the channel’s sport coverage? Why yes, yes it does. So here we go.

I am currently watching the opening coverage of the World Cup on ITV (surprisingly, considering that opening par) and have been immediately – before a ball has even been kicked – struck with how utterly shite and annoying the channel is when it comes to international football. It’s something I did know before, but seeing as it’s four years between every tournament (and still a long two when you include the Euro Championships in the equation) I tend to forget: ITV talk 90 per cent England, ten per cent “other”.

It’s bloody annoying. We’ve heard about nothing but England in the national press non-stop for the last month or two, which is understandable. But the coverage of the world tournament, involving more than just England, should probably devote more time than it does to – y’know – other places that aren’t just England. I haven’t found out anything about South Africa’s starting line-up, nor have I heard anything about Mexico’s qualifying form or if they’re actually playing Ochoa. I want to know these things.

I don’t want to see journalists being told off for following the England team everywhere they go. I just wonder if it’ll be like last time around, where most halftime “analysis” (ah, ITV’s classic analysis) centred on wild speculation about the England team. As soon as they were out of the tournament it seemed like no one had anything to talk about. Sigh.

As for Andy Townsend claiming he knows better than Fabio Capello? Let’s compare managerial careers: the latter has shitloads of trophies. The former doesn’t even have a Tactics Truck anymore, and that was abject shite to begin with. Fuck off you idiotic, talentless prick.

Okay, so maybe they’re not that bad, and maybe the BBC will be just as bad, and maybe I should just shut up, but… shut up. One thing I’ll give ITV – they have Lucas Radebe.

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We’ve entered the run up to a new World Cup, meaning we get the inevitable bunch of stupendously bad adverts that go along with it. Chief among them are the likes of Carlsberg’s ‘best teamtalk in the world’ ad, which makes me want to immediately abandon this country for less jingoistic – and wanky – climes, as well as the Walkers ad for their collection of crisps that taste like stereotypical foods from countries. Or feet, I’m not sure which.

But both these ads at least have some air of what could possibly be referred to as ‘dignity’ about them. They don’t actually have dignity, don’t get me wrong, but at least they’re not adverts for The Sun or News Of The World. These ads, for those who haven’t seen them, involve in one case Tim “eh?” Westwood saying… words… about some George Cross flags on a car, or something. It will make you sad to be alive. The other is Terry “Dodgy” Venables singing a song while Ian Wright and some other idiots (and Harry Redknapp) look on, smiling. It’s pretty much insane. For those who have seen them – I share your pain, and if you want me to help you burn your own eyes out I will. Happily. Anything to relieve the suffering of my fellow humans.

It’s testament to the absolute insanity of the Murdoch empire that they opted for ads involving Tim Westwood – vying for the title of ‘Worst Person’ every year for the last however many he’s been alive – and Terry Venables singing. No media goliath would want to inflict this kind of shit on the people of the world if it weren’t for one of two reasons: they legitimately don’t know what they’re doing, or, they actually want everyone in England to kill themselves immediately. The latter, of course, wouldn’t make sense though – it would mean there’d be no one left in the country to not buy their papers.

Oh yeah – that’s some fucking hardcore satire right there.

Still, as a show of good faith to a giant of the publishing industry that brings nothing but hateful, misinformed bile to the world at large (no, not this blog – ha ha HAHAHA), I will suggest a substitute ad to be used in place of these two obscenities. Take into account this took me a long time to come up with – at least four minutes – so I’d appreciate you taking into account the magnificent effort I’ve put in.

The scene opens in a familiar fashion, with Terry Venables walking towards the camera – it soon becomes apparent however that he’s actually in the midst of selling a used car. The viewer then becomes aware that Venables is actually selling a clapped-out motor to a cowardly Italian for a grossly inflated price. When the sale is complete and the frightened European has been royally ripped off we hear a crowd of fans cheering, probably shouting “VINDALOOOOO!” or something. We then cut to some hilarious footage of Ian Wright dancing when he thinks the cameras aren’t switched on while Gary Lineker – hidden somewhat in the background – can just about be made out bathing in a tub of contract-breaching Monster Munch. Alan Shearer then scores a goal with Hitler’s head, after the Fuhrer has been decapitated by Britannia and some creative use of her trident. Three lions then shit on a baguette. The scene slowly fades to black as a chorus of “Two World Wars and one World Cup!” rings out, the vocal charge lead by Baddiel and Skinner, who also do shits on the already-lion-shitty baguette. The Sun’s masthead appears with the caption reading “Today: the World Cup. Tomorrow: the Falklands.”

Mad Men is the inspiration for my new-found skill when it comes to advertising, in case you were wondering.


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