Tag Archives: evolution

Darwin? More like WANKER.

What’s going to be the next step in human evolution? I remember seeing a programme a long time ago that theorised how people involved with space travel/colonising other worlds would end up evolving to suit their conditions more. Frankly it was all speculative nonsense (based on SCIENCE), but for some reason it has stuck with me for a while. Something about people living in zero-gravity being tall and thin, or some such shit.

Anyway, I ask this – I’m reminded of this – because of something that’s just happened to me. Something that could easily have been avoided were it not for the fact I haven’t yet evolved like I clearly should have. After all, I am so much more than any of you pathetic humans could ever hope to be. Or something.

But no, my body remains the same as pretty much every other nerdlinger out there. Which means that when I eat apples I run the risk of getting a bit wedged between my two bottom-front* teeth. As I have done right now. And it’s annoying me. It feels like the teeth are being pushed apart by the tiniest sliver of apple skin. It’s uncomfortable. I don’t like it. I don’t have any toothpicks. I may try brushing it out, but I doubt it will work – it seems wedged in pretty well.

So it naturally lead me to the question of evolution: why haven’t I evolved to the point that I don’t get food stuck between my teeth? Surely it makes sense to evolve that trait, seeing as it would mean less wasted morsels, more nutrition for myself and therefore more chance of me growing to 18 feet tall (and being made of gold).

Answer me that, DARWIN. You bearded twat.

*Not front-bottom teeth. That’s something entirely different.

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Capitalism is not your friend

Walking across the bit in Bournemouth that I’ve forgotten the name of – the ‘square’, or something – I glanced up to see one of the buildings still brandishing the Borders sign high up. “But wait!” I thought, “the store known as Borders closed down for good months ago!” This got my brain thinking about things, which lead me into the strange fantasy situation: in the near future (likely dystopian, living under the iron fist of a corrupt government in a police state. Switzerland, in other words) it has been decided that the sign will be removed, but the public – against the command of the powers that be – are protesting this choice, as they just ruddy well love Borders.

Okay, so maybe the near future/dystopia stuff is just influenced by watching Fortress the other day (memo-review coming soon!), but the second part I could well see happening. Public outcry at the removal of a sign. A sign indicating the name of a shop. A shop that closed down because it couldn’t compete with better, cheaper bookstores. I’m in hypothetical land but I am reasonably annoyed here, simply because I really wouldn’t be surprised at a reaction like this actually happening.

Obviously this comes from the insane, idiotic reaction that came about from people when Woolworths shut down. The outcry of sadness and regret from the public at the news of Woolies demise made me wish a great deal of the populace would just bugger off from life. It was a shop. A shop that failed at its only job. I recently read an article in a ladies magazine (doctor waiting rooms “for” “the” “win”) where a woman who had worked at Woolies for about 30 years had been made unemployed, and now didn’t know what to do with her life. She left school with no qualifications in order to work at Woolworths. This tells you all you need to know, and should give you the right idea of what I think of this particular episode

It’s capitalism. Survival of the most profitable. It’s not a romanticised notion, you don’t love a shop or a brand and they couldn’t give two bits of poop about you. Get over it. Let the shops that are shit die, then we’ll be left with all the bestest ones. It’s like evolution, in a way.


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Hair today, hair tomorrow

I don’t like having hair. It’s stupid. It grows and it gets messy and you have to make it look less messy and you have to wash it and the cycle of suffering never ends. It’s stupid. It’s pointless – I mean, why do we even have it? We’ve invented hats, for fuck’s sake, it’s not like we need nature’s take on the whole thing anymore. It’s like the appendix – it has lost any function it once had and is no longer necessary in humans. As Joseph McCabe argued:

“The vermiform appendage—in which some recent medical writers have vainly endeavoured to find a utility—is the shrunken remainder of a large and normal intestine of a remote ancestor. This interpretation would stand even if it were found to have a certain use in the human body. Vestigial organs are sometimes pressed into a secondary use when their original function has been lost.”

I would like to modify this statement for my own, anti-hair manifesto:

“The mostly protein-based filament known as “hair” —in which some recent medical writers have vainly endeavoured to find a utility—is the shrunken remainder of that which once covered the entire body of a remote ancestor. This interpretation would stand even if it were found to have a certain use in the human body. Hair has since been pressed into a secondary use after its original function was lost. Namely: to make people spend ages looking in the mirror and generally look like a complete and total twatend.”

We can sweat, we have man-made methods in which to keep cool and disperse body heat. There is no need to continue this charade that we ‘need’ or even ‘like’ having hair. Who can honestly say it’s fun to put a crapload of gunk on the top of your head in the vain hope it might make people think you look better than on any other day? And surely no one can say it’s “a right laugh” when this outdated, evolutionary throwback decides it isn’t going to obey basic Newtonian rules and instead behave in a manner which completely disobeys the laws of physics, no matter how much force you exert trying to make it stick in the way you want it to. If ever there were an argument against intelligent design it’s this: hair is shit and pointless, and no god would want us to spend half an hour each morning fannying around with it when he could have made us sleek, hairless (figurative) cougars who spend all day fighting crime or something. Take that, religious zealots!

Still, at least I’m not bald. That would be simply awful.

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