Tag Archives: facebook

Facebook’s annual performance review

Seems that, just as with MySpace and all those other forgotten social networking things before it, I am getting bored of Facebook. I just don’t really use it anymore – my inanity can be nicely summed up in 140 characters and spat out in record speed on Twitter, and I get all the funny links I could ever need from there and Reddt.

But it’s not the end for that piece of crap yet. Sure, I don’t really use it to do anything much, important or not, and I’ve lost track of the amount of shit they’ve added to it or changed that I just haven’t kept track of like I normally would. But it’s still there.

Mainly because people click through Facebook to get to this blog. Yes folks, I’m a hit-whore. I want the hits. I crave them. Seeing that ticket go up to eight, nine whole people a week visiting this site is what gets me up in the morning and my main marketing push is through Facebook.

I find the AC13395 demographic is 93.5% more responsive to engagement via a long-established social network and the integration of multi-faceted blue sky out of the box thinking with matters of import going forward to the… stuff.

I am not very good at being a business speak twat.

Oh, plus I technically use it for work purposes, so that could be used as a viable excuse. Not just HIT GREED.

So you get a stay of execution for now, Mr Facey B. You bring me about one extra person to the blog every decade, I get to stare at photos of me every day and I use it as a chat thing. There. That’ll do for today. BYEEEE.

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The Facebook update, or: ‘how to do shit things’

Yes, it’s an obligatory post on the changes made to Facebook. It’s to be expected, really. But I also think it’s fair because what the hell have they done? I mean, do they actually think before implementing things? There have been changes in the past that I haven’t understood people taking issue with, but this one just doesn’t seem to make any sense.

It’s as if someone had a vague idea and half-mentioned it in a meeting, only for an engineer who wasn’t even really paying attention to work the changes into the site. Basically it’s about 9% as good as an idea that wasn’t even a good idea in the first place.

In fact, it’s the equivalent of Jez’s idea for a tattoo on Peep Show: “What about an extra Facebook… on my Facebook? Yeeeah, double me.”

It’s not important and it will either get changed back or simply ignored – eventually – by the masses. It won’t break the site, people won’t leave in droves, we’ll all get over it or forget about it eventually. Mainly because it doesn’t matter. At all. In the slightest. Even in a world where you accept you’re allowed to be annoyed by things that aren’t just the Big Concerns (starvation, AIDS, almost out of jam etc), this isn’t any real concern.

But right now it is annoying. It immediately looked shit, then it did something to annoy me which forced me to do something I didn’t want to have to do. Basically it’s one of the most misjudged and ill thought-out changes I have ever seen on any site in my life.

Still not as shit as MySpace, though. God that place went so bad so fast.

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Facebook or Google+? OH IT’S THE FORMER

So, judging by the fact I’ve been on it a few months and have done nothing of note beyond struggle to figure out how to add an image (clue: stop using the Android app, start using the proper version), I think it’s safe to say Google+ has done fuck all for Ian’s social networking habits.

It was supposed to be the chosen one – it was supposed to bring balance to a privacy-obsessed world of people scared that the evil overlords at Facebook would steal our very souls. It was supposed to be amazing in every way, and all clean and shiny like all the things Google does.

You know what? It probably does all of that. But I wouldn’t know, because I’m busy uploading hundreds of photos to Facebook. Even though that means they own them and I’m breaking the law for taking them in the first place, or something. Even though it’s run by literal Nazis and is powered by the burning of orphans, and all the money they raise goes to funding the “Wasn’t The Holocaust Hilarious” stageshow.

Even though that’s all the case, I’m sticking with it. Because it’s where my friends are, and they’re the idiots who want to see these photos. So that’s where they’ll go. And that’s where I’ll leave them untagged, because I’m lazy. So when Facebook does decide to steal all the pics and use them for its own nefarious needs – my face turned into a Swastika, or something – at least they won’t be able to put a name to the faceflag.

Or something.

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What’s happened to the word ‘procrastination’? See, I remember a time many years ago when people would say it every chance they got, even if they misunderstood its meaning. Or couldn’t spell it. Or were dickheads. It was the magical time of MySpace, and every other update from someone seemed to mention “I AM PROCRASTINATING LOL” or something along those utterly moronic lines.

Now I don’t see it. Does this mean people have stopped procrastinating? Or is it because one of the main outlets for your inane shite, Twitter, has a character limit – thus making longer words out of bounds? I think we will never know. Unless we ask every single person in the world. Bagsy not doing that – got a bad leg.

Facebook? Well nobody wants to use the word on there because it will make them look like one of two things, depending on what kind of follower sees it. If it’s an old school friend or extended family member, they will think the person writing it is a show-off geek dweeboid from the planet Nerdlinger IV, because only show-off geek dweeboids from the planet Nerdlinger IV use words like ‘procrastinate’. The common plebeian* just can’t handle it.

The other group – people who know, or possibly like the person, will simply think they’re being a prick. It’s a vicious circle. Or cycle. Or square. Or something. I don’t know.

So let’s raise a toast to the forgotten word of the social media landscape: we won’t miss you, procrastinating, because people who used you were generally twatends anyway.

*Can’t spell ‘plebeian’ without Ian!


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If you don’t want to know the results, look away now

I spend most Saturdays in the footballing season trying to avoid what the results have matches were. I am like the past and all male stereotypes rolled into one glorious whole/hole. I will not watch the news wherever possible, I will avoid news and sport-based websites (if I have to check the BBC site I will physically cover the area of the screen where I know the sport section is). This is because I want to wait until Match of the Day is on to see how things turned out: I like the element of surprise, and I barely see the point in watching it if I know how it’s going to turn out. Call me mental if you will.

But I have been suffering since I have started using one particular website more often. It seems that over the years Facebook has been relatively immune to this particular foible, but this one… hasn’t. I mean, of course, haven of twats (David Cameron said it, it must be true): Twitter. It has become a part of my regular favourites rotation, just to see what shite friends, workmates and other assorted writers/celebrities/comedians are saying. But I tend to forget that, on a Saturday (and Sunday), people seem to like thinking they’re operating radio bulletins and offer regular updates of scores in whatever matches are on. This means I often end up knowing two or three scores by the end of the day through no real fault of my own. It also means I get quite annoyed.

I suppose it opens up a rather interesting discussion concerning the dissemination of information in this highly technological (going by past standards) era we live in. In a world where a hell of a lot of information is available at all times, to everyone, it becomes a lot harder for those who actually don’t want to know something to avoid information. But while it does open up some reasonably interesting avenues to talk about, I can’t be bothered. I just didn’t want to know the football results.

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Social networking? More like SHITcial networking! HAHAHA! AAAAHHHH!

Myspace ruined the word ‘procrastinating’ for me –  I’m sure it did the same for many others out there too. Aside from those who were using it every other day, obviously. They just thought it was a word that made it sound more intellectually stimulating than admitting the truth: ‘I am sat in my pants stalking someone I fancy on this thing, while listening to Hoobastank and crying’. They were so dumb they opted for a knock-off Incubus rather than some real emo shit. Fools.

Anyway, this got me thinking about other things the social networking revolution of Myspace, Facebook and all the other ones I don’t know about has ruined. For one, it’s ruined me as I use terms like ‘social networking revolution’. Before I would have just said ‘them sites wiv pichurs on HUHU’. Anyway, I’m going to break it down into a handy bullet-point format because I’m nice like that:

  • Mystery. No longer do you wonder what happened to people – you just know. And no longer can you make up some fun little thing in your head about how they moved to Namibia to live with an 85-year-old courier named Nigel. No, instead you are confronted with the truth.
  • The truth. It is often a horrible thing, especially when it comes to old school friends. Though at the same time it’s quite heartening to see that your paying attention at school has actually made it so you don’t come across as having the IQ of a puddle.
  • The past. None of us realise we looked like that in the past. It’s nice – tying in with mystery and the truth – to have an element of nostalgic glee about the size of your gums ten years ago, and simply rely on rooting out an old photo every few years to look and laugh at. Instead, Facebook sees these pictures on display all the time forever. Though my Umbro shirt is rather fetching in the fourth year junior school photo of my class.
  • Boredom. This doesn’t actually apply to me so much, as I have another go-to when bored in the form of videogames. But with other people it has had an interesting effect: they no longer seek out other things to do when bored. Rather, they trawl Facebook for hours, intermittently Tweeting about how bored they are. This in itself is an act designed to stave off boredom, which opens up a whole world of interesti discussions that I can’t be bothered thinking about right now.
  • Confusion. Girls you once knew turn up again and have done that stupid thing of getting married, thus meaning you don’t know who they are anymore. It’s not like I can recognise faces – I only know surnames.
  • Blog entries. Blogs now have a disgusting habit of talking about things like Facebook in a semi-serious manner, dissecting their societal impact and offering what is essentially a throwaway distraction much more attention than it deserves. They also use lists related to these invented issues.
  • Haircuts. Sigh.
  • The Grauniad. Not every story has to have a quote fromTwitter you hessian-wearing pricks.
  • People. I don’t want to go to that event, I don’t want to join that group, I don’t want to read your shitty blog, I didn’t realise you were a massive racist, you aren’t funny, you’re ugly – not pretty, re-tweeting someone famous doesn’t mean they’re your mate and JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Anyway, I hope this has been inspirational.

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Valentine’s Day alternatives: THE LIST

So for two Valentine’s Days in a row I have managed to stop myself from being single – this in itself would be worthy of a post as it’s a bona-fide miracle (or just a sign that this certain girl is clinically insane). Instead though, I’ll opt for something along the lines of what I’d do if I were still single: my suggestions for other incredibly important, definitely-not-just-cash-cow-nonsense, “special” days that should be introduced onto calendars around Britain – if not the world. Prepare to have your minds literally blown.

  • Hilarious Post-Ironic Anti-Cards Card Day. This would be sponsored by a Facebook group, most likely, as we all know how witty and clever they are, as well as how much of a difference they truly make in this world (the group ‘Punching Babies is Wrong!’ managed to rewrite international law as we know it, for example – before it came into existence, I just thought the Baby P thing was both acceptable and hilarious! What a fool I was). Anyway, HPIACC Day would see a lot of suitably wacky types post cards to each other, all of them professing their hatred for cards and the sending thereof. The Facebook group creating the event absolutely would not have been created by the wife of a man who works at the Clinton marketing department, oh no siree. Not here.
  • Let’s All Read a Book Day. On this day, probably in late June (just to annoy people who like going outside), it should be made mandatory for everyone to sit indoors and read an entire book, then send a card to everyone they know. Said card would cover what the book was, what it was about and a brief, 500-word review of any aspect of the book, reading process or effects it may have had on the person. The effects of LARaB Day would be twofold: one, it would mean more people would actually be reading instead of being massive plebs, and two, it would seriously limit the opportunities mega-readers have to boast at you about what obscure philosophical nonsense they’ve been reading this week (did I mention you wouldn’t be allowed to tell each other what you’d been reading for the rest of the year? No? Oh, well you can’t).
  • Let’s All Text Ian Day. This day would mean that not only would I get a few more texts than normal, I’d also get cards commemorating the fact that I’ve got some texts. It would be simply wonderful.
  • The Day of a Million Lazy Blog List Posts. Self-explanatory, but another big earner for Clinton.

I’m sure I had more of these to suggest, but I’m not about to sit here thinking about what to write – too many cards to write, for one thing. I just hope these few suggestions can serve as something of a salve to these irritating VD experiences we all have.

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