Tag Archives: FAILURE

Failure and regret in Bournemouth

Of the great many failures I have endured in my life, from the time I was unable to instantly earn billions from a kids book I sent to one small publisher, to the era of my life known as ‘university’, nothing has struck as hard as what has befallen me recently.

I wouldn’t class it as trying, but to entirely write off any pretence of attempt on my part would be to do you all a disservice. It would be to lie, and I do not wish to lie to you: my people. As stated the other day in a pernificious* blog entry, I am more prone to side-stepping the truth than out and out deflecting and replacing it with falsehoods.

There was an element of effort on my part. Sit-down effort. Secondary effort. Passive in the extreme effort. But, I have to admit, effort. To say ‘I tried’ is not too far from the truth, though in my defence it is not actually The Truth.

I let my beard grow for a while without trimming it.

In effect, I tried to grow a proper beard.

I can already hear the laughter from some areas; those who know my aptitude for facial fuzz isn’t exactly Ivy League-standard will surely be in uncontrollable fits of salty, warm tears right now, the glistening orbs lost in a sea of stubble and fur the likes of which I am unlikely to know at any time in the near future – even on the women.

But I had to know. It had been a while. I once shocked myself by being able to grow more than a tribute to a moustache on my upper lip, so I reasoned to try and spread the good times. To share the wealth. To grow the beard.

It has been, not to put too fine a point on it, an abject failure.

But, unlike many other failures that will never wash from my psyche, that will never fail to be brought up by those with an axe to grind, I can rid myself of this failure. While there are some things you cannot wash away, my failure at what one would call ‘a ruddy good beard’ can indeed be washed away, sent swirling down the limescale-encrusted plughole, literally and figuratively, of my life.

tl;dr Going to have a shave in a bit.

*I made this word up to amuse myself**

**I wouldn’t lie to you about that, either

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Today has been a shocking one for discoveries about myself. There are things I am generally not confident about – a lot of them – and things I know for a fact I am bad at. These never surprise or shock me in any way, as they are just there as accepted truths. I will never change them (unless I do), so what’s the point in getting caught up in them? It’s those sudden realisations about things you weren’t already sure about that hit you the hardest.

See, I know I’m really good at peeling clementines. I’d go so far as to say that I’m probably the best person you’ll ever see at peeling those little orange bastards. I can do it in one smooth motion if I can be bothered, and at most it takes three separate motions. Not including taking the pith out, naturally. I’m also really good at eating apples, and the amount of fruit I can get off them leaves them with probably the lowest fruit:core remaining ratio you’re ever likely to see. Short of eating the core, of course, but that’s cheating.

I’m also good at speed-eating grapes.

But today I have found out that something I simply assumed I would be good at, I am not. I’ve done it a few times before, but not enough for me to have any memory of being good or bad at it. See, I tried to cook some brown rice. And I failed. It went wrong. It didn’t work. I could blame my terrible hotplate thing I have in the kitchen and its setting of either HOT or NOT ON, but only the poorest of craftspeople blame their tools.

I am a failure.

I let the rice down.

I am still hungry.

I am sorry.


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