Tag Archives: family guy

Monster! Buster! … Bonster?

How many do we have left now? Let’s see – Firefly… nope, that’s all I can think of.

We wanted Family Guy back, we got it. Turns out we were very wrong to want it back, as it turns out it only really had a couple of good series in it before the writers did indeed turn out to be a bunch of barely-trained manatees picking a bunch of balls out of a tank. I would make up my own metaphor, but the South Park one is so utterly perfect it should be used wherever possible.

Basically, we were wrong. But we got it back.

Futurama was cancelled even though it was one of the best animated shows that’s ever been made. Certainly better than Family Guy, definitely better than latter-day Simpsons and arguably better than Simpsons in its prime. Well, not better than, but arguably as good as. When it’s good, it’s the best thing that’s ever happened. We wanted it back, and we got it back.

First it looked like it might go the Family Guy way, with some not-that-great feature length episodes. They sold well, it was recommissioned for a new series and I got a bit worried. Turned out I was wrong to be, as the new series of Futurama is absolutely great. Though admittedly there hasn’t been a Jurassic Bark moment yet.

*sob*

And now – we wanted it. It was killed in its prime. In fact, it was killed before it had the chance to hit its prime. And now it turns out we’re getting Arrested Development back. And I am happy. And I am not even worried.

I would ask ‘which way will it go – Family Guy or Futurama?’ but I don’t see the point. It won’t be anything other than brilliant.

Unless everyone involved makes a huge mistake.

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Yet more proof Family Guy and its offspring need to die. Now.

I was, at first, going to simply remind the world of the most wonderful televisual advert ever made. It is, for those who do not know, this one:

Tell me this is anything other than spectacular, and you are wrong. Now while I was making my way through the related videos on Youtube, I stumbled across many parodies, remixes and even follow-up ads by Sammy himself. I can’t say the latter part of that filled me with much hope for the future of humanity, “oh yeah!”-ing as he was about ‘international groceries’, but that’s fine. He’s also opened a new store, which also has living rooms, bedrooms, dinettes. But that’s besides the point here.

For you see, in the trawl I stumbled across something sure to prove popular with a fair few people: a video from Family Guy. Now technically it’s from The Cleveland Show, but that’s just Family Guy for the third time, so I’m going to remain calling it Family Guy. I’m not about to go into my rant about why the show used to be great, but is now a painfully unfunny parody of its past glories – but it is. No, I’m going to link you the video right here and ask you to point out what’s wrong with it:

If your guess was “it’s not funny” then you’re on the right tracks. If your guess was “it’s not actually a parody, it’s just taking the advert verbatim and putting one of the Family Guy characters in it, thus trying to pass of something entirely not of the work of the writers as a successful parody. It seems woefully incapable of actually doing what a parody is meant to do, and probably with good reason – the subject matter is already pretty much parody-proof. If anything it smacks of an incredibly lazy and incredibly cynical attempt to shoehorn in more of the bullshit pop culture references that the Family Guy writing staff has increasingly relied on over the last ten years or so. It is not a joke, it adds absolutely nothing to the original and in fact shows the arrogant, bigshot TV show up for what it is doing (or not doing, as the case may be) – I mean, at least Sammy, the guy in the ad, came up with the rap himself. He didn’t just lift it wholesale from somewhere else, do it himself changing only one word and then claim he was being hilarious.” then you’d be right. Well done.

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Seven reasons Star Wars is actually rubbish

Did you think Star Wars was great? Sorry to break it to you, but it’s actually a big pile of pump. Not the prequel trilogy, not the original films, not the Holiday Special, the Clone Wars series, the dozens of video games or even the toys. All of it. Every single last bit of anything to do with Star Wars is a load of dump-o, and it all comes down to these seven simple to understand reasons. Read and be enlightened, chaps and chapettes.

One massive story/scripting lie: Watch Return of the Jedi. See the part where the A-Wing crashes into the bridge of the Executor, causing it to crash into the Death Star II (killing, presumably, thousands)? That was a bizarre accident, as a result of the A-Wing being damaged and the pilot unable to control it, right? Wrong. According to the real, actual, genuine story, the pilot – Arvel Crynyd – crashed his space boat into the bigger space boat on purpose. It was a suicide dive. I don’t find that hard to believe, I just think it’s bullshit revisionist history concocted to give a crap pilot a grander story to take away from the fact that he was incompetent and got shot down. I don’t give two plops what’s in the script.

AT-ATs are modelled on dogs: Or camels, or horses, or cows – whatever it is they’re modelled on, it’s stupid. Model them on a massive fucking tank that can fuck shit up. Not after your favourite pet. How those designs were approved by the Emperor – which I’d assume all such huge decisions are – I do not know. Maybe Palpatine had a Labrador he loved dearly as a kid and used the design to remember his pooch in the only way he thought viable.

C3PO: This isn’t the fault of three-pee-oh himself – it’s how he was programmed. It’s just the fact that he was programmed by the most evil man in the universe and he still ended up being a hilarious pastiche of all gay men ever. An absolute coward, a pedant, a Negative Nancy, an eternal pessimist and an arrogant sonofabitch, how he does anything bar bring the whole Star Wars mythology down I do not know.

Han Solo is a racist: this one popped up as a suggestion from Anna, actually. Han speaks a variety of alien languages – we regularly see him chatting with Chewbacca, he has a natter with Greedo (before not shooting first) and his exchanges with Jabba The Hutt are always captivating. Especially when the former treads on the latter’s tail. But in all of these conversations, Han refuses to speak in the alien’s native tongue, instead sticking resolutely to Galactic Standard (“English”). This is clearly rude, and the only explanation can be that Han Solo is a massive racist. He does keep Chewie as a slave, after all.

Super Empire Strikes Back is too hard: Seriously. I just tried playing it after a break of about ten years. I remember now why I never got past about the third level. Fuck you, hard SNES games.

Lightsabers don’t exist: It honestly makes me sad.

General Rieekan’s uniform: He wears Strepsils. The man is clearly a lunatic, and not a General as he claims. If this had been noticed earlier, as it should have been, the man would not have been allowed to have any authority over the hundreds (or thousands) of rebels located in Echo Base. An evacuation order from someone you believe to be in charge is one thing, but when a man who chooses to wear a brand of throat lozenges tells you to abandon your snowy bunker it carries less gravitas.

And this is without even going into the myriad things that come up on things like the Family Star Wars’s’s’ (which is shit, but for very different (real) reasons) and Kevin Smith films, like how Lando steals Han’s clothes, or how thousands of independent contractors died on the second Death Star.

Safe to say: Star Wars is shit. You have been told.

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