Tag Archives: farting


This is my pooch*. There are many pooches like my pooch, but this one is mine. He is unique. He is an idiot. He sits down like a dickhead. He hasn’t yet realised that his now-adult teeth hurt a bit when he play-nibbles you. He enjoys to steal things from bins and then run away from you when you try and get it out of his mouth. Generally speaking, he is brilliant.

I joked before I got to Swiss that I would want to steal Anna’s six-month-old puppy Alfie, even if he is named after an Eastenders character. It was, of course, entirely non-serious and based on the fact that I want a dog – nothing based in reality.

Then I met the little bastard. We’ve just spent the last half an hour getting up and stopping him from rooting through something or eating something he shouldn’t be eating. It’s annoying, but it’s also hilarious because he’s a cute puppy and so can get away with anything. Possibly even murder.

But if that doesn’t appeal and I just sound like a puppy apologist** then try this: this morning he didn’t know what the command “paw” meant. Now, after a fair bit of repetition, some grabbing of the paws, a fair bit of arm and hand nibbling and hilarity (in the shit “aww, isn’t he funny!” way) we had done it. We had taught a living thing how to do something. At one point it could not do what we wanted, and now it could. This is a good feeling.

On the other hand, he keeps on farting and it smells bad. Hence, dogs are shit. Literally, in some ways.

*For the next week and a bit.

**I am one.


Filed under Prattle


I’m a person who likes witty, intelligent humour. I like to be made to laugh before having that moment of realisation kick in – the part where you feel you’re in on the joke and a member of an exclusive HUMOUR CLUB. Or the times where you predict the joke before it comes, but the comedian/actor/film/book/whatever doesn’t patronise you into completing the joke, so you know you’re clever enough to, again, be part of the gang.

I like all of that shit, true. And I am quite arrogant about the comedy I like. But at the same time I find the lowest level, stupidest crap incredibly funny. One thing in particular stands out as being consistently one of the things that has made me laugh throughout my entire life. I am talking, of course, about trumping, poo, farting, shitting, gassing, dropping the kids off at the pool, pumping, dumping, pooting and dropping a floater.

I won’t embarrass you all with great details as to why farts are funny or what farts in particular have made me laugh over the years – though an answerphone message does spring to mind as being particularly hilarious. But I will wonder aloud: do the people even more comedy-arrogant than I realise they are being lying dickheads when they claim pump-based humour to be unfunny? Has the Queen ever made a joke about an arse-rippler? And – most importantly of all – did cavemen find poots funny?

Don’t let it be said I don’t hit you with important, necessary subjects here on this blog. You’ll miss me when I’m gone.

1 Comment

Filed under Prattle