Tag Archives: fifa

Hate FIFA, love FIFA

It was announced as this week’s number one game, so why not cover the subject? Yes folks, I’m talking about the FIFA series of videogames. Those of you who don’t care about games, gaming and gameritis may as well just bugger the hell off right now. Go on. Piss right off. You won’t care about this. Well, Anna might, but the rest of you who don’t care about games haven’t really witnessed this phenomenon of which I will speak.

For you see, I suffer from intense, uncontrollable and utterly ridiculous bouts of rage brought on by FIFA games. I should come clean: these rage-bouts existed in the world before Pro Evo (though I was FIFA until International Superstar Soccer was released, so it’s ‘after-before’, really). Fury – unmitigated fury because a videogame based on tiny fake men running around a tiny fake pitch haven’t done what I wanted them to do. FIFA, Pro Evo then FIFA again have all done this to me. I shout, I swear, I get sweaty hands as an offshoot of my sheer rage. I act like a complete moron.

But I still love FIFA. The fact that the game can push me to such ridiculous extremes of emotion and yet still drag me back in for more must be testament for something. It simply must be doing something right. For every astonishingly pointless defensive error there’s a shot pinged in from 30 yards. For every foul that just isn’t a foul, there’s a wonderful jinking run from the wily defensive midfielder. And for every time your opponent scores even though they’re shit and really shouldn’t score, there’s a moment where you do the same to your mate and the stars just seem to align.

I hate you FIFA (and previously Pro Evo), I really do. You’re a bastard, you put me in a bad mood and you can ruin whole minutes of my life through your sheer moronic foolishness. But I love you so much, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

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It’s not the game rage podcast

So the mental fatty the other day had some comedy game-rage, but frankly it doesn’t compare to my ridiculous, childish outbursts over the years. As I mentioned before, I still have these from time to time. Well, I say ‘from time to time’, I mean ‘every time I play a game’ which – let’s be honest – is quite often. It’s a big part of my job, after all. They have actually mellowed with age, as it was during my wonderful teenage years that I managed to go the most mental at games for cheating/breaking/being shit/making me lose.

Now it boils down to an exclamation of “oh for fu…” in a high-pitched, incredulous voice, and sometimes a petulant turn-off of the machine or TV. Sometimes possibly a pathetic-sounding rant as I am hunted down by ridiculously overpowered enemies on Borderlands. Oh, and most of FIFA will get some kind of reaction out of me, as only the good football games can get. Though, let’s be honest here, the latest couple of editions have lost some of the spunk of FIFA 09. Ah well.

But what about through the past? It’s a minor miracle that I’ve only managed to break one pad myself, and that was through a long-term campaign of abuse, rather than one particular bout of explosive game-rage. The same can’t be said for another pad, however, which my chum Chris decided to batter into submission when I beat him (again) at Pro Evo. Ah, not just me. But there have been other things, like smashing discs – it’s premeditated, which makes it even stupider – and during a particularly heated session of Wrestlemania 2K on the N64, there may well have been certain… biting… of the cartridge. Look, that game fucking cheated, alright? Though this doesn’t explain the bite-marks on most of my PSOne pads. Hmm. I’ve never been pushed to physical violence against anything living as a result of any of this fury, I should point out, and I never will be. Just in case you were thinking games make people murderers and all that.

These are the kind of things that people will laugh at me and judge me for, but I guarantee you – and this is backed up with mega-science – that if I find you a game that you like to play, and you play it enough, you will lose your temper with it. It always happens, to everyone. There is always a point where you will feel hard done by, where you think the game can’t possibly be working right or where you think the program has intentionally gone out of its way to screw you over. And at that point, you will become as nonsensical, rage-filled and utterly furious as I get. And I will be vindicated.

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One previous owner

Having picked up Terminator 2 (Skynet Edition) on Blu-ray recently, I am now the proud owner of the Greatest Film Ever Made in no less than five different forms: pirated VHS, purchased VHS, director’s cut recorded from TV on VHS, Ultimate Edition DVD and finally this latest addition. I know you’re impressed. I am. After all, who wouldn’t want to have lots of different versions of what is essentially the same film, just with added bits here and there and different audio tracks or varying visual fidelity? Only a fool, quite clearly. Though I’m obviously not totally committed as I’ve missed out on a couple of other releases. I’ll blame a hangover, or something.

This made me think of all the times I’ve ‘traded up’ on something that really didn’t need to be changed or improved upon at all. One of the best examples was buying series one to four of South Park on their original UK releases, only to dump them when the American releases came about years later. Why? Umm… five minute commentaries on episodes? Yes, that’ll do as a reason, I’m sure. Granted, the UK versions were essentially retired at series four, but I’m sure even if I’d owned more of them I’d have been more than happy to trade up.

But why? What’s the point? Some barely-recognisable benefit over the original? Terminator 2 is the best example of this, with the Blu-ray release offering nothing over the mega-super-ultra DVD which was re-released about fifteen different times, beyond an increased visual quality that’s not that much of an increase over the upscaled DVD on my not-that-great TV.

And you know what? I couldn’t give two sods about it. I’m going to keep on buying these incremental updates to the movies I love. I would make that into a magical List of Three, with something like ‘movies I love, games I play and albums I listen to’ but, well – that would be a lie. It’s only movies that really get away with this behaviour. I’m still waiting on the Aliens series to be released on Blu-ray so I can upgrade my already upgraded-once-from-VHS-twice-from-DVD series, and as for Star Wars? Well that’s pushing into T2 territory for Most Updated award.

It could be argued that games fall into this trap, mind you, with the incremental yearly updates of sports games (and lately things like Call of Duty). I do tend to upgrade once a year, on the dot when something with next year in its title comes along. See: FIFA, Football Manager, Smackdown vs Raw etc. This, of course, ignores the likes of Resident Evil which – while it has been re-released countless times – hasn’t seen much in the way of incremental updates. More: no updates at all. I still haven’t let them off for the Gamecube versions of Resi 2 and 3.

It’s interesting, but I can’t be bothered analysing the behaviour or why I do it. Nor am I going to bother trying to correct it or limit it in any way. After all, they might release another version of Predator soon, and that’s something the whole world needs.

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