Tag Archives: gary busey

FILMS: 7/10

Today I watched a couple of films, as I was resisting the urge to leave the house and therefore spend money. As I was in the kind of place mentally (hangover) where watching shit films would appeal, I watched some shit films. Here are your opinions you should all take as gospel.

First I watched Surviving The Game, starring Ice-T, Rutger Hauer, Gary Busey and Dr Cox from Scrubs. That’s one of the best line-ups I’d ever heard of, so I had to watch it. It’s a genuine, straight-faced tale of “what’s the Ultimate Prey? MAN” and is therefore brilliant, because it has a group of white men chasing a black tramp through the woods. A fine parable for the state of race relations in a post-Rodney King beating United States.

Well, maybe not.

Basically, it was a great film to watch with a hangover. Everything the 90s was about, narrowed down in to about 90 minutes and with an all-too-brief Busey-hit to keep things ticking along.

And Ice-T with questionable acting talent. 7/10

I also watched Unknown, starring Qui-Gon Jinn. Expecting it to basically be Taken again, I was let down. Because it wasn’t Taken again. And I really like Taken quite a lot. Because it’s fucking stupid, but brilliant.

Anyway, Unknown isn’t that great. But I do like how utterly wanton it is with regards to its ridiculousness. He isn’t that man he is that man he might not be that man is he that man OH HE’S ANOTHER MAN no he isn’t he’s that man he thought he was before or is he or is he or is he or is he or is he or is he and so on and so forth.

It’s based on a book, which I now want to read just in case it’s written exactly like the above paragraph.

Anyway: not as good as Taken. 7/10

On a related not, Jessie J scares me. Her dancing is almost as terrifying as Tina Turner’s.

Leave a comment

Filed under Prattle

To Kill A Predator

I watched Predator yesterday. I watched Predator 2 today. Tomorrow I’ll probably watch Predators (unless I watch it this evening). As such I am currently the most experty expert on the topic of the alien hunting machine known as the Predator, and as such I am going to list some ways in which I would not only survive an encounter with one of the big, dreadlocked bastards, but how I would make it bleed.

Because, you know, if it bleeds we can kill it.

Drop my gun, put my hands up, start crying, wet myself
Then, when the bastard thinks I’m poor sport I’d totally kill the shit out of him with the secret gun I forgot to mention I had. HaHA!

Cover myself in mud, wear a heat-proof space suit thing, not carry any weapons and don’t be Gary Busey
That way I’m guaranteed to survive any encounter. Admittedly I wouldn’t be able to kill it like I promised, but fuck you. I’m scared and I want it to go away, so I’m very much surviving like the fittest in this situation.

Make sure it’s one of Paul WS Anderson’s Predators
While the original beasts are nimble yet ferocious beasts, imposing in size and dominant in battle, the Predators created by Paul WS Anderson for his abortion of a film Aliens vs Predator were not quite up to that level. Basically they were fat and died easily. If I was to fight one of Paul’s Predators, I’d probably be able to win. Genuinely. Armed with little more than a wooden spoon.

Throw Paul WS Anderson at it
Then, naturally, stay to watch it tear his spinal column out. It’s like porn, in a way. I reckon it would then blow itself up, as its work on earth would clearly be done with.

Hammers
Lots of hammers.

Hire Sean Bean
I don’t know why, I just get the feeling Seen Been would either be able to distract the Predator by talking in a thick Yorkshire accent, or he’d be able to kill it. With swords, most likely.

Definite vein of logic running through this whole entry, yes indeedy.

1 Comment

Filed under Prattle