Tag Archives: good deeds

Deeds (good ones) part II: DEEDS IN SPACE

Long time listeners may remember a post I made a while back about helping people. It’s here, if you don’t remember. Or even if you do remember, and wanted to remind yourself of how simply heroic I am. Well today we have an update; an addition to the list which will surely solidify my reputation as one of the Greatest Living Humans.

Walking back from a press event with my colleague Ash, a man was stood to the side in the street, turning in circles. I think I remember him faintly saying “help me” or something to that effect, which grabbed my attention (aside from the fact that he was spinning in circles*). I asked if he was okay, to which he responded by collapsing and having a fit. It’s a reaction I’ve had before, but normally it’s after I’ve told a satirical joke and not just when I politely ask a question of someone – hence (and this is probably down to my Dad being a copper and me inheriting his instincts) I knew something was up.

I then spent the next ten minutes or so trying to cushion the man’s head as he slammed it on the pavement, giving him something to grab onto in the shape of my hand (and, at one point, my entire leg. Admittedly I wasn’t so up for that part) and generally trying to be reassuring. Those of you who know me may well know that I’m not very good at sincerity, so the point where he started grinding his teeth was met with a cry of “ahhhh, don’t do that!” by me. Ah, the ever-calming influence. I asked two local rubberneckers to ring an ambulance then kind of stood around like a lemon while this man clawed at nothing, tried to destroy his skull and (sometimes) apologised for having a fit.

It was around this point that a fat man waddled up and immediately proclaimed to us – I shit thee not – “I’m a first-aider at work, I know what to do”. He then went on to tell us we should in fact not stop the man from cracking his skull on the pavement and instead allow him to continue doing that. It’s a good job he turned up, otherwise I would have continued to not allow the fitting chap to fracture his skull like the sick bastard I clearly am.

(Seriously though – I understand that you shouldn’t restrain a fitting person as it can cause more damage, but for fuck’s sake this bloke was smashing his head on the concrete. Well, I should say ‘trying to’, as I stopped it. Call me a renegade if you will, I just don’t play by these first-aider rules.)

Anyway, the paramedics called by the folks in the shop nearby arrived and took over. Fortunately the first-aider was still there to instruct them on how they should go about their jobs, otherwise we’d have all been in a dilly of a pickle! I gathered together my things and we were on our way back to Bournemouth.

This whole ‘giving a shit about other people’ thing is a horrible affliction, and I can only apologise to the city of London for breaking their cardinal rule of ‘Never Help Anyone’.

*Come to think of it, maybe he was just dizzy. Really dizzy.

(As a second bracketed-off section, I would like to offer my utmost disgust to the monumental cunts out there who ignored this man as he was clearly in distress and to those who just kept on walking by as I was trying to help. You are terrible, terrible human beings. How anyone – anyone – can simply stand by as others suffer is absolutely beyond me and just thinking about it now has genuinely upset me. So great, thanks world. You win again. Fuck you.)


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Deeds (good ones)

What’s the nicest thing you’ve ever done? Helped an old woman across the road? Loaned a friend more than £12? Decided against shooting a baboon? Surprisingly for my cold, rough, sexy, aloof exterior, I have helped people out on more than one occasion. I’m not saying to the point of deserving a medal, or even that these things were particularly memorable, but it’s just something my mind goes back to when I’m reading the endless nonsense on news sites about kids being wankers, students being cockends who destroy civilisation as we know it and human beings in general not giving a shit about their fellow peeps.

I was walking along the streets of Preston with my chum Ben, admiring all the sights this wonderful town had to offer (the Jewel of Lancashire, as I often call it) when we came across a very slow-moving man who seemed to be struggling with his shopping. Being the great people we are, Ben asked him if he needed help (I, obviously, had walked ahead to scout for landmines and not – as might be assumed – because I wasn’t paying attention), and the slightly odd-looking fellow said yes. What followed was incredible, to the point where it may well have defied the laws of physics: it took us around an hour to walk all of 150 metres, while this man told us of how he’d been hit by a truck and could no longer walk very well. As if we needed reminding. He also told us of his desire to “get his cook on” (my words, not his) and that he was looking forward to “those small, round, green things” (his words, not mine), which we reminded him were called ‘peas’. Anyway, we got him to his house and we were on our way. After mugging him, obviously.

Another other time I’ve helped someone in distress was a few years before the last example. Arriving at my mother’s house after returning home from school, I encountered an old man who lived a few houses away from my destination. My powers of deduction led me to the conclusion that this man wasn’t in the best of situations, as he was face down on his front path, with blood coming from his head and a wheelie bin next to him, which was also lying face-down. Said powers of deduction also helped me fathom that he had been lying like this for a while, and that no one had helped him. I managed to figure this last part out as he was still lying there and hadn’t been helped. So, I took it upon myself to help up this large old man, who was unable to push himself up thanks to gout, or something. It was a fun wrestle, where I ended up partly-covered in old man blood and – after about twenty minutes of struggling – an upright old man. He negated to thank me, instead commenting that the blood he had just smeared on the front panelling of his house would “attract bluebottles” (his words, and mine), before declining an ambulance and shuffling off inside. Two things about this help-o-incident: one, a middle-aged, upwardly-mobile man who lived a few doors further down came out of his house to observe what was going on when I was mid-wrestle with old man. He did not offer to help, instead deciding a smile and a wave would be adequate before disappearing back inside. I would like to know what thoughts – or lack thereof – were going through his head at that point (“oh, it’s that young lad from up the road looking like he’s struggling to bum the old man from next door-but-one, who – as it happens – is covered in blood. Well, I’ve got crumpets waiting for me indoors!”). Two, I received a Christmas card that year with a tenner in it and two sides of shaky, old man writing thanking me for helping him in his “hour of need” (his scrawling, not mine). I assumed it was from the man I helped, and not a mystery suitor trying to get into my pants.

I don’t speak for everyone – that day will arrive, but for today I just speak for myself and everyone in a five-mile radius (by the Queen’s decree, no less). But I will say these here words: it’s easy to see that the news is filled with a lot of reactionary bullshit and that it’s skewed to present the world in a way it simply isn’t. As a result, it’s common for the news to be treated with an air of weariness – it isn’t trusted entirely. But even though that’s the case, I still feel that people buy the words they’re fed, even if they claim otherwise – I am guilty of this as much as anyone – and this is especially the case when it comes to slagging off ‘chavs’, ‘hoodies’, ‘students’ or ‘pricks’. We need to remember that the vast majority of people aren’t out to knife you and will, in fact, happily lend a hand should you need one. Especially if there’s the chance to get paid.

I am basing this entirely on the fact that I’ve helped a couple of people, mind, so it may not actually ring true in practice. Don’t quote me on any of this, and in fact don’t try any of it. You might end up getting stabbed by a teenager. They’re all cocks, after all.

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