Tag Archives: help

Help for the hindering

Let’s give a shout out to those people who never get shouted out to – those that go through life sort of expecting thanks, but never really getting it. The people that you try to ignore and forget about, but they stick there in your mind, annoying you to your very core every time they pop back up again. I’m talking, of course, about people who try and help when there’s no need for them to try and help.

I still get infuriated every time I remember the guy who stepped in after I’d been trying to make an epileptic man not crack his skull open on the pavement for 10 minutes. “I’m my office first-aider,” he said, “give him some space – don’t pin him down”. Well, fat boy – I wasn’t pinning him down. I am not a moron. He needed something to cushion the repeating bashing of his head on concrete, that being my hand. Hence the not giving him space thing.

He thought he was helping, he thought he was being the big man on campus. He was not. So I’d like to send out my massive thanks to that particular pile of idiotic poop. The best of intentions don’t make up for the fact you’re a moron, mate. And if you’re the work first-aider, the minute something bad happens it’s clearly going to be 9/11 Part II: 9/11 In Space.

Alright, so I’m failing to think of many more examples beyond the usual meddling old women who seem to be everywhere in Bournemouth. But you get the point. If you’re going to help, please actually help. Don’t just be an obstacle that thinks it’s helping things flow smoothly, you gimps.

No idea where this came from. Hmm.

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A public service announcement RE: walking

This is a public service announcement from Dransfield Industries, a subsidiary of Dransfield Incorporated, which represents parent company Dransfield Dransfield.

26 July, 2010. Bournemouth, England.

Statement begins:

WOMEN, men, children, dogs and everything in-between are being offered advice for if a reasonably large, northern man begins walking anywhere in the vicinity of them. This man, it has been noted, is not a threat to you, your safety, your belongings or your way of life. Just because this man has decided to walk on the same stretch of pavement as you does not mean he is about to murder you most violently. Or even make eye contact.

It has been noted by Dransfield Industries that many women, men, children, dogs and everything in-between act surprised by the appearance of this man on pavements. They have been known to cross roads in what is not always – but quite clearly sometimes – a way of getting away from the man. Looks of confusion, if not genuine fear, are commonplace whenever this man comes within a certain distance of many women, men, children, dogs and everything in-between.

We at Dransfield Industries, as well as employees at Dransfield Incorporated and the management team at Dransfield Dransfield would like to offer this piece of advice to all women, men, children, dogs and everything in-between, whether they seem to fear this man or not: he is not going to hurt you in any way, shape or form. You do not need to look behind you, cross roads, eye up any nearby items that could be used as makeshift weaponry, call MI6, run away or throw a smoke bomb at the ground before vanishing. This man is not a murderer, rapist, mugger, bumper-intoer, insulter or attacker.

Dransfield Industries would like to confirm he is just a largeish man who walks quite fast. We ask that all women, men, children, dogs and everything in-between remain calm on seeing him in the streets. He is of no threat to anyone.

Statement ends.


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