Tag Archives: hot

What’s with the weather? I’LL TELL YOU WHAT

Looks like we’re going to have to redo the seasons then, seeing as Weather has decided it’s not going to play by the rules anymore. Rather than being annoyed, like a lot of people seem to be, I have nothing but respect for Weather’s blatant disregard for societal norms and what would be considered ‘acceptable’ behaviour.

After all, Weather had got itself into a rut over the last however many centuries we’ve been paying attention to it. Never mind us getting used to it – taking it for granted – Weather itself must have been bored of the routine. When you’ve got fat, bespectacled, nerdy men on TV easily and correctly predicted what you’re going to do tomorrow.. it’s embarrassing, frankly.

Fortunately Weather has more credibility than that and has decided to fuck with the heads of those that expect the most from it. It took a while to pluck up the courage, true, but I like to think maybe Weather was just using its off time – you know, when it’s overcast (so most of the time in the UK, ho ho) –to make some in-depth and cunning plans.

And now those plans are coming to fruition. We expect Weather to be nice and not kill us all, but instead Weather decided to just go against that whole thing and blow people through walls and stuff (note: I’m not sure if that actually happened, but hey).

Then it decided that the end of September, when it’s autumnal and approaching the winter (WINTER IS COMING HA HA HA I LIKE REDDIT) that it would actually pull the greatest swerve of all time and provide us with the summer it completely ‘forgot’ to give us at the normal time in the year.

Either that or we’re all going to die of Instant Onset Climate Change.

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MAN. Spice. Etc.

I’m not very good with chilli. I’ve just been reminded of this as I have just eaten some take away with chilli in it, and it’s burning the fuck out of my mouth.

I never did understand the lure of eating the spiciest thin on the menu just to prove you’re a man’s man from Mansfield. But then, that’s understandable when I can’t actually handle spice like a MAN should be able to. I once had a madras and it left me worse for wear the next day, but other than that I’ve never really bothered with the proper spicy stuff.

I often (“never”) wonder if, when those there aliens from another planet make contact with us, if they’ll pay attention to the whole tribalistic nonsense of “eating stuff that’s hotter than the stuff your mates are comfortable eating”. I wonder if they’ll pay attention to that and take it on board.

I wonder if they’ll take it on board and analyse the social implications of such a tribalistic mannerism. I wonder if they’ll disseminate what this whole thing is about and truly boil it down to its apeish instincts. I wonder if they’ll do that, and then I wonder if they’ll blow the fucking world up.

But then, I am suffering from a burny mouth so I might not be in the best of minds right now.

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A brief statement concerning the recent drop in temperature

When I were a lad I’d play in t’snow til three in t’morning in nothing but me bra and pants, then come inside and have to sit in t’fridge for a bit cos I were too warm outside. I’d eat snow to warm me cockles and strap blocks of ice t’me head when I got chilly. Which was never, as I never got cold. Same applies nah.

These pansy southerners though, wi’ their lah de dah “coats” and hoity toity “gloves” make me sick. I dint fight and die in t’World War II so these sods could prance around in oversized winter clothes. Some say I dint fight and die in any war, but who knows for sure? All I do t’know is: I’m well warm, me.

Seriously though, I love how the weather has taken a turn for the chillier. For some reason I’m naturally one of the warmest people in the world at all times. Seriously, feel my hands at some point and be amazed at how toasty they always are. And clammy. Anyway, a bit of a dip in the temperature means that while everyone else in The South puts their biggest coats, gloves and hats on, I can merely add one extra layer and be comfortable. Happy, in fact, as I’m no longer THE WARMEST PERSON EVER when I’m walking.

Hence, I like the cold. Or something. Also I’m northern and well ‘ard.

I will likely retract this statement in a month or so when it gets freezing.

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