Tag Archives: hsbc

My bank is trolling me

My bank loves me, it seems. See, they love rich people because of that whole ‘loads of money’ thing and how… well, I don’t know. Whatever it is they do with their money. It’s never been that clear to me why they love rich people so much.

Probably something to do with all the fancy hats they can afford.

Anyway, banks then hate people like you, because you are normal, have a bit of money (but not loads) and don’t piss about with them in any real way. I am not one of you people. Nor am I one of the rich ones.

No, I belong to a select group that teeters on the brink – never quite absolutely broke, but always having to take advantage of credit facilities and overdrafts. I’m the kind of person kept in a perpetual state of debt that I have to pay for the privilege of having, which contributes to me staying in said debt. In perpetuity.

As I’ve said before, it’s entirely my fault so I’m not whining right now.

But it’s fun – in a hilarious, cynical way – how nice the bank is to me as a result of both a) not really having any money and b) not really causing them any problems as a result. I’m a good little prole to them, always paying minimum amounts, overdraft charges and whatever else they lob my way and never threatening to earn or save enough money to drag myself out of this.

Which is why the bank just sent me a letter this week offering to increase my overdraft limit by 50%, to £3,000. Because they have a sick sense of humour at banks and think ‘well, if we can already fleece him, why don’t we try and fleece him a bit more?’

Fortunately I’d have to ring them up to arrange this, and that’s not going to happen because I hate using the phone. Oh, also I’m thick and bad with money, but I’m not that thick or bad with money. Shove it up your arse, HSBC – you’ve got enough of my debt thanks.

Leave a comment

Filed under Prattle

I love the HSBC secure key it is a really good idea, like

Dear Valued Number On A List,

We are writing to you to inform you of a fantastic mandatory opportunity we are allowing you to exclusively take part in.

As you may be aware, evil criminal scum are focusing their entire, unwavering attention directly at you and your children/dog/television [DELETE AS APPROPRIATE]. You will never escape their gaze and you will never, ever be safe from their criminalistic tendencies, such is their sheer evil tenacity and commitment to nefarious deeds.

So, to help you try and somehow avoid these illegal incursions, because you’ll definitely be targeted – be afraid – we are offering you the chance to have an Irritating Extra Stupid Bloody Step In A Process Creator sent to you. Please note this opportunity is, as mentioned, mandatory.

The IESBSIAPC will allow your once-simple method of logging into your bank account to retrieve its details and see how little money you have for a hacker (who is definitely targeting you and you alone) to steal. The simple device will go in hand with our brand new, streamlined personal security features to make sure you never get that £20 in your account stolen from you. The steps are as follows:

  1. Choose a new log-in name.
  2. Choose a new password.
  3. Enter your log-in and password.
  4. Re-enter your log-in and password.
  5. Turn on your IESBSIAPC.
  6. Press the code creation button to reveal your 734-character security code (different every time).
  7. Enter 734-character code.
  8. Re-re-enter your log-in and password.
  9. Re-renter your 734-character code.
  10. Send one pint (imperial measurement) to the bank address on your separately-provided address letter.
  11. To obtain your address letter, you will need to await the arrival of your IESBSIAPC MKII, which will be with you some time in the next four years.
  12. Re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-enter everything you’ve already entered a dozen times.
  13. ???
  14. Profit!

We thank you for your time and we will accept any and all donations you wish to send us as thanks for our wonderful efforts in making your life “easier” and making sure your money is “safer”.

Yours SINCERELY,

Bank-o 9000

3 Comments

Filed under Prattle