Tag Archives: i am clearly a great paintist

Fuck off Picasso

I now have a painting set. It has 27 “premium quality” pieces in it, including – get this – an apron. I mean, it makes sense and all seeing as painting can be messy. But still, I really didn’t expect my new box of paints and… stuff… to have an apron in it. And it’s made me unreasonably happy. Well, not “happy”, more “oh-that’s-a-nice-touch”. Also it’s “premium”, so it’s clearly the grandest of grand aprons.

Much better than any of my other, standard, aprons.

Now onto more pressing matters: what on earth should I paint? Seeing as I haven’t put brush to canvas in more than ten years, and even then I did it with the minimum of care, attention or – possibly quite importantly – skill, I’m thinking I won’t produce my first masterpiece until the third picture.

The first picture will be a road. A road with a giant dog on it, and the giant dog is made of beans – FURRY BEANS. It will be walking down the road, while made of beans, and will maybe be barking (beans) at a passing elderly couple. And having a shit, obviously.

I think it’s a modest enough start to the career as an artist.

Secondly I will paint a portrait. It will be of Scottish footballing dynamo Kenny Miller. The man with the most interesting face in th… Oh! Sorry, fell asleep while thinking about his face. Which may or may not be a face, as I can’t really tell. It’s too bland.

The third painting – as I said before, this will be my masterpiece – will be my masterpiece. I am undecided as to what it will be right now, but I am open to suggestions. Anything you want me to paint, leave a suggestion and I’ll get right on it.

Also, you should start expecting really, really good paintings as gifts from now on. Just so you know.

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