Tag Archives: i envy the dead

Life is pain

It’s fun how utterly disconnected I can make myself from the world at large. I care about ‘issues’ and ‘fairness’ and ‘people being born into a world they have no control over where they are constantly beaten down, abused and treated like subhumans’. I do. Hard to believe, I know. But right now, I couldn’t give two shits – there are more important things going on in my head.

First of all, I’m not sure how long I should leave this delicious-looking Pot Noodle before tucking in. I could go for it now and have a very hot, slightly crunchy once-dehydrated snack, or I could wait a few more minutes and have a cooler, but soggier noodleperience.

Then there’s the fact that it was quite hard to put my iPad plug in the plug socket extension lead thingy. This means I might have to struggle for at least Some Seconds before I can retrieve the plug when I need to. That’s valuable Ian time down the drain right there. And that’s without even mentioning the bit that plugs into the iPad itself, which took me three or four goes to get in there. Madness!

Of course, there’s the stress of having to make sure I take a bottle of water in tomorrow so I have something to drink while playing football. I mean, if I forget I could go to a shop and buy some, but what do you think I am? Made of money? That shit costs upwards of 70p (though less than 82p). The pressure I put myself under to remember this bottle is killing me. KILLING ME.

And these are just the tip of the Problem Iceberg. Imagine if you were me – you’d want to kill yourself rather than deal with it, wouldn’t you? Yes, you would. Because you’re weak and I am strong. Those homosexuals fearing for their lives in Uganda can’t hold a gay candle to my Real Person Problems. The fools.

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