Tag Archives: I WANT DOGS

Dog reviews. No, really. (7/10)

I’ve mentioned before that dogs are brilliant, so now I’m going to review some types of dog so you idiots know which ones get the best dog for your buck. Also because I can’t think of anything else to write about that involves as little effort as this while at the same time has potential to amuse/annoy one or two people. It’s an economical blog, this one.

All small dogs
Pointless, really. You might as well get a different animal, like a small pig or something, for sheer novelty value. I mean I could theoretically accept a small dog into the household, but I draw the line at those stupid fashion things that idiots have. But when there are so many more, better, bigger dogs available, why go for small?

All mutts/crossbreeds/sub-pedigrees
Quite clearly the best dogs you can get. Who needs thoroughbred when you can get something that was both born in, and eats from, a bin? Plus you can get stupid mixes that you really don’t think should be able to work, like a Daschund crossed with a Great Dane or something. Alright, so I’ve never seen that, but the comedy potential is endless. Also my last dog was a MUTT. Winners.

Labradors and/or Golden Retrievers
Some see them as a boring, obvious choice. Some people should also shut the fuck up before I set my Lab on them and it eats everything in their house within the space of an hour, causing them to starve to death. YEAH. I’ve never actually had much contact with Retrievers, but they look similar to Labs so they’re clearly brilliant. And funny.

I want an Alsatian. Long-haired. I will teach it to kill you if I give the signal. The signal will be something subtle like “GO AND KILL THAT PERSON RIGHT NOW, DOG, FOR I COMMAND YOU TO WRENCH THEIR VERY FLESH FROM THEIR BONES! HOOOOOOOOOOO!” It will be awesome. And cute.

Irish Wolfhound
Massive, basically. Making them some of the best dogs available. They were made to kill wolves, literally. I want about five of these.

Yeah, that wasn’t funny really. I just want a dog now. Lots of dogs.

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