Tag Archives: ipad

You can call it The Future Cube

I’m still awaiting the time where everything I want – movies, books, games, TV shows, other things – is available in one device. One device I can carry with me wherever I go, hook up to any TV or amplifier or whatever. One device not limited to one set format, or one style of game, or one place where it can be used.

We’re getting there. The iPad shows you photos, lets you watch films you’ve downloaded and listen to music you’ve acquired. It lets you stream TV shows and movies. It lets you play games and blah de blah all the rest of it.

You’ve seen the adverts (made by dickheads for dickheads, natch).

But it doesn’t do everything. The games on it aren’t the games I always want to play. It isn’t a simple case of getting whatever film I want through it and hooking it up to the TV so I can watch it with proper sound and visuals. It doesn’t have Everybody’s Golf on it.

We’re getting there though. Will we get there? Dunno. Platform holders are too twatty and selfish and wouldn’t want One Device To Rule Them All. But hey, that’s not a discussion I’m about to have with myself at half nine on a Sunday evening*.

I’m only saying this because I’m running out of space to dump all the shit I have. The book box is full to bursting, the DVDs and Blu-rays take up All The Cupboard, games are littered everywhere. I even have a bag full of OLD SCHOOOOOOL photos, mainly old ones from when we were at school (uni technically, but why ruin a hilarious joke?).

So hurry up tech people – decide on a single, all-encompassing format that does absolutely everything I want it to do. Then space won’t matter as much and it will be one tiny thing off my mind.

*It really, really is. And it’ll be held out loud.

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iPad entry, YEAH

Hello, I am writing this on my iPad. It is difficult to type on, mainly because I am watching the fresh prince of bel air. Also I wish I was Carlton in many ways.

Carlton can dance like a mofo, just like I wish I could. Also he likes Tom Jones, just like I wish I could. But I cannot. Sorry.

Also he’s black, just like I am.

Fresh Prince is well good like. The end. Byeeeeeeeeee.

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I’ve tried, but I’ve failed

I’m not willing to admit defeat just yet, but I can feel it getting closer. It’s there, behind me. I can feel its presence. Hear it breathing. But it hasn’t taken me down, and I won’t go down easily. I honestly don’t know if I’ll prevail – I’ve been trying to make things work out for months now, but I just don’t seem to be making progress. But I will not give up. Ever. Until I am dead, possibly. Or until I give up.

I’m talking, of course, about touch screen controls for more old-fashioned games on the iPad. Specifically, Speedball 2. The kinds of games that need a joystick/pad and buttons to play, and so have them overlaid on the screen you are playing on. I just can’t do them properly.

I’ve had the iPad for a couple of months now and I’ve tried all manner of games. Tilt control ones annoy me but if they work well enough, it’s okay. Those made with touchscreens in mind from day one are, naturally, nigh-on perfect. Though I do find my massive gammon hands getting in the way a bit much. But it’s those that rely on an old-fashioned input method that just screw me up, and try as I might I just can’t get it perfect.

I’m not a douchebag from the planet Idiototron IX – I can play these damn things. It just doesn’t feel right. I need clicking, resistance, physical boundaries. Without all of that, I can see myself living a very lonely life, ultimately dying unfulfilled and forgotten.

No, wait – I can see myself remaining unconvinced by the ‘overlay’ control schemes on some iPad games. That’s what I meant.

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Murdering boredom, one gadget at a time

Strange that I’ve decided to write this now, seeing as my travelling will be cut down severely from what it was only recently. Still, an idea of what to write here is exactly that, and if I think I can make it mildly amusing for myself then that’s fine – it takes up a day of the blog, which is definitely the right attitude to have about this whole thing. Right, onto business.

I travel a bit (see above for caveats) – as such I need to have with me things that can make boredom disappear. To be fair, that’s all we ever do throughout our entire lives. Try and argue with that point and you’ll fail – everything anybody ever does is in order to avoid being bored. Hence why games are brilliant and if you dismiss them you’re a fucking dickhead. Ahem. Where was I? Ah yes – travelling is a special case for boredom-killing though, as you tend to be cooped up with no way of just going for a walk or wandering listlessly around your flat, brushing your new haircut into amusingly shit styles (that you know you’ll probably stick with in coming weeks, as your hair is always shit and you hate it anyway). You’re sitting, with no escape. You need to mind-escape. You need shit.

I have an ever-increasing pile of crap I can throw into my bag and pull out at any point to make boredom go bye-bye. Let’s just list them, rather than babble on incoherently here:

PSP
I love my PSP, still, even though everybody in the world hates them. It hurts my hands to play it for a long time, but it has some great games and the ability to play any PSone game I want on it. With some creative modifications of legal firmware, naturally. It used to be the main port of call, until I got…

Tiny Laptop
Possibly the best thing I’ve ever bought. It’s 10.1 inches of sheer pleasure HAHAHA COCK JOKE LOL LOL LOL LMFAO LOLOLOLOLOLsigh. But yeah, it can play old PC games and movies, and I can work on it too should I need to. Plus it does an internet where it’s available (i.e. not many places). £160 and the Best Thing Ever? Yeah, I’ll take that.

DS
Doesn’t get touched as much as it used to. In fact, last time I played it on a train I put on Cooking Mama for ten minutes before I realised I was being judged by everyone around me for playing a game where you chop onions as fast as you can. Naturally, this meant I just played it more. Louder. Harder. With shouting involved. Then called them all cunts and ran off laughing like a maniac*. *May not have happened.

iPad
The new addition to the family and untested on the road, this little Apple thing could well turn out to be brilliant. I’ve already downloaded War & Peace on it, so I can pretend to read it and look like a really smug twat. Unfortunately I don’t think there’s an app where you can pretend to read Dostoyevsky and actually have a Dan Brown book hidden inside it. Not that I’d ever read Dan Brown, but for the purposes of the joke let’s pretend I would. Then let’s all collectively vomit at that thought. Umm.. yeah. Canabalt.

Books
Depending what it is and depending the mood I’m in, books can be brilliant or a complete waste of time. A seven-hour flight with genuine flu isn’t conductive to me being able to read Blood Meridian, for example. Whereas I managed Breakfast Of Champions in one train ride from Manchester to Sheffield. But then, I do fucking love Vonnegut more than anything else.

iPod

I still remember the days of taking my CD player on the train, cramming it in my inside coat pocket as it seemed to fit there, the auto skip-correction system eventually wearing down and the music becoming unlistenable as the bumpy ride took its toll. Also I listened to more shit then. Not to say my tastes have got better, just that I listen to less music now. Anyway, the iPod is a nice distraction as it’s not an active pursuit – you can just switch it on and leave it. And turn it up loud to annoy the fat smelly person next to you who keeps rubbernecking at your screen. Cocks.

Wow, that was a lot more boring than I expected. Sorry, I seem incapable of being funny about shit like this. I do seem capable of almost writing 800 words on the subject though. Jesus crikey I must be bored. Soz. 7/10

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This post does not contain SATIRE! about iThing owners becoming zombies. Damn.

Why did nobody warn me the iTunes store is as dangerous as it is? I’ve only ever bought one thing on it before, and that was a single song about a year ago. As such, my brain isn’t up to speed on how it all works. As a result of the life-changing, twat-becoming news the other day, I went to browse the available games to see if there was anything I would actually want to play on the iPad.

Now, fortunately I didn’t go mental and only spent about a tenner, but it struck me as decidedly odd that you can make it – literally – a one-button purchase. You click the price of the app, it’s yours. Obviously that’s brilliant in that it’s simple, to the point and you don’t need to dick about, but I can see myself being drunk, bored or drunk and bored and ending up with £50 of stuff I do not want or care about.

As for the… jesus.

I’ve just realised it’s already started. Twice in one week I’ve written a blog about my iPad. Which I don’t even have yet. I’m already turning. I’m like the bloke on the zombie films who hides his bite, slowly watching the infection manifest itself into an orgy of gore and brain-fuelled sustenance before his one-time friends have to put him down by destroying him in whatever way they can. Either that or I’m the one who gets bit and everyone knows he’s been bitten, but they decide to keep him around as he’s useful and they like him until ohmygod he starts to turn and it becomes the heart-wrenching moment where the best friend doesn’t want to pull the trigger and then he has to because his former friend is now lunging at him, trying to claw his eyes out with his dirty zombie fingers.

Something like that. Read into it what you will my talking of iPads before going off on a tangent about being a zombie. It could almost be devastatingly arrogant satire, if it weren’t for the fact I only noticed I’d done it after writing it. Sigh. This comedy career will never go anywhere.

Still – I got Harbour Master HD!

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A dark day for Dransfield

As of January, something pretty major is going to change in my life. On the tenth day of the month – just over a week into space year 2011, just a few days before I go to New York and just 11 days before Darling Sweetheart Girlfriend’s birthday I will become something totally different. I will become something I never expected to become, and something I had honestly never really wanted to become. It will change me to my very soul, and I know there’s nothing I can do to divert that inevitability.

I will become an iPad owner.

I will become one of the buzzword-spouting, wannabe-artistic, can’t-use-a-real-computer, arrogant-because-they’re-told-they’re-right-to-be  twats I dislike so very much. There’s no two ways about it, as I simply will not be able to resist the magnetic pull. After all, it is a nice product. Ahem.

Fortunately I can at least maintain some of my integrity, even taking into account my previous postings decrying ownership of iPads and iPhones. I’m not buying this thing – I’m not using my own money to become a part of this merry dance. No, it’s a bizarrely generous Christmas gift from my workplace. I did not succumb. The mountain (“iPad”) is coming to Mohammed (“Ian”)*. Therefore I can quite easily and reasonably convincingly justify this to myself while at the same time remaining somewhat hostile to the whole iThing cult. You could say I’m having my cake (“iPad”) and eating it (“maintaining negative opinions about the brand and culture behind it”).

But I’m not going to eat the iPad. It’s too valuable for that. No, I’m going to nurse it. It will be my child. I will love it. It will make me a cooler person and a more boho, modern chap. Yes. iPad. I love you. iPad. Yes…

Wait, what?

*For anyone reading this that follows the Islamic faith: I am in no way comparing myself to Mohammed. No, I see myself as more of a Jesus-type, what with the scraggly beard and proclivity for hanging around with social outcasts.

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Why I don’t need an iPad (formerly: “Why I love my NC10”)

Put simply, my purchase of a Samsung NC10 a few months ago may well rank as one of – if not the – best purchases I’ve ever made. For those unaware – and who actually care – it’s a tiny laptop, 10.1” screen, Windows blah blah blah. Basically it weighs nothing, is small and can play lots of games/serve as something I can do work on/play movies/look at por… the internet. It was purchased on a whim and has turned out to be one of the better things I’ve bought. Way better than the ‘used three times’ protective bag I bought for my big laptop or the ‘really a bit too big’ massive dictionary I bought on a whim.

Aside from its wonderful functionality, the fact that I can write, watch movies or play games like Syndicate, Planescape Torment, KOTOR and other such treats on the train is one thing, but the fact it only cost me £160 is something that makes me exceedingly happy, as that turns it from a sensible purchase into an out-and-out bargain.

Did I mention it’s really tiny? It is. Even a child could carry it, though I wouldn’t trust them to not drop it, the little bastards.

The purchase of the NC10 has meant my PSP has had most of its usefulness trumped, this much I have to admit, as I now have ten inches to play with on the train rather than the four I had to struggle with for so long. A sad, but necessary evolution in my journeying.

(I should point out that if there isn’t a plug socket around I tend to be boned, as the battery runs out in 3-4 hours. BALANCED REPORTING!)

I could very easily turn this into some bold claims of how I don’t feel the need to shout from the rooftops about my magical portable electronic beast, or try and substitute it for my penis, or even to rant about how it’s an investment of functionality over being a lifestyle choice like it would be if it were an iPad. But I won’t. Because for one, that would be slightly hypocritical as – however unglamorous it is – this post is still about how ace I am for having an NC10. And two, I just can’t be bothered. I really don’t care that much.

Anyway, long train journey next week – must make plans of what games to put on it.

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