As of January, something pretty major is going to change in my life. On the tenth day of the month – just over a week into space year 2011, just a few days before I go to New York and just 11 days before Darling Sweetheart Girlfriend’s birthday I will become something totally different. I will become something I never expected to become, and something I had honestly never really wanted to become. It will change me to my very soul, and I know there’s nothing I can do to divert that inevitability.
I will become an iPad owner.
I will become one of the buzzword-spouting, wannabe-artistic, can’t-use-a-real-computer, arrogant-because-they’re-told-they’re-right-to-be twats I dislike so very much. There’s no two ways about it, as I simply will not be able to resist the magnetic pull. After all, it is a nice product. Ahem.
Fortunately I can at least maintain some of my integrity, even taking into account my previous postings decrying ownership of iPads and iPhones. I’m not buying this thing – I’m not using my own money to become a part of this merry dance. No, it’s a bizarrely generous Christmas gift from my workplace. I did not succumb. The mountain (“iPad”) is coming to Mohammed (“Ian”)*. Therefore I can quite easily and reasonably convincingly justify this to myself while at the same time remaining somewhat hostile to the whole iThing cult. You could say I’m having my cake (“iPad”) and eating it (“maintaining negative opinions about the brand and culture behind it”).
But I’m not going to eat the iPad. It’s too valuable for that. No, I’m going to nurse it. It will be my child. I will love it. It will make me a cooler person and a more boho, modern chap. Yes. iPad. I love you. iPad. Yes…
*For anyone reading this that follows the Islamic faith: I am in no way comparing myself to Mohammed. No, I see myself as more of a Jesus-type, what with the scraggly beard and proclivity for hanging around with social outcasts.