Tag Archives: kickstarter

Potential Kickstarter projects version 2.3

As is the current trend with this blog – and the internet in general – I’m resorting to lists when I can’t think of anything really interesting to write.

In other words I should have been resorting to lists since I started this thing.

Because, like, it’s not interesting. Nothing I write is interesting. So I should have just done lists instead, because like I said they’re what people do when they can’t think of anything interesting to write.

SHUT UP I’M HILARIOUS.

Anyway, spurred on by the lure of wanting to make people put their money into something, I have decided I will do a Kickstarter on something I make. Like, a graphic novel, or that kids book I did if Morgan ever pulls his hoof out and draws me some horses*. Here’s a list (owing to previously-mentioned lack of creativity on my part, as well as the fact I want out of this uncomfortable chair to go sit in a more comfortable one) of things I could do:

The kids book, which I haven’t looked at in so long I’ve forgotten what it’s called
Here, to remind you, is an adorable child adorably reading it out. I got no money for this, which has pissed me off as it’s the greatest literary work of this, or any, century.

A graphic novel
This relies on having someone at hand to do art, as I am shit at drawing. I choose this over a standard, non-art-needing novel though, as it would suit my abilities more. As in, I still see novels as needing to be a lot more words and of a lot higher quality than graphic novels, so I’m aiming low. I am well aware how wrong this viewpoint is, by the way. Allow me my intentional ignorance.

An invention
I don’t know what the invention would be though, so that’s a bit of a sticking point. Either way I’m going to ask for £2.4 million to fund whatever it is. Flavoured pen lids or something, probably.

A Persian hammock business
Spurred on by the knowledge you can get Persian rug mouse mats, I have decided Persian hammocks should be a thing. If they’re not already. This will need about £20 initial funding, I’d say.

A wodge of cash so I can fuck off somewhere else and be bored with life in another country
That’s a service everyone would happily pay for, right? Yeah. FUND ME.

*Not having a go, Rich, just thought I’d publicly chew you out**

**Also I love you***

***Not in a gay way****

****In a SUPER gay way

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The Vita kickstarter experiment

Right, I need to get me a PS Vita. I didn’t get one on launch day and it’s the first time I’ve missed a console launch in forever (or: about 12 years). As such my nerd-cred has taken a pounding, as well as the fact that I do not have Everybody’s Golf.

I have to restate that just to try and put across how much this wounds me: I. Do. Not. Have. Everybody’s. Golf.

Shameful. Shocking. Shitty. This has to be remedied.

Unfortunately things cost money. Fortunately I can make money appear by either selling things or doing things. As such I am going to sell things and offer my services to the world as a whole in order to make more money to be able to buy one.

Note: I am not being a whore. I would make too much money doing that, after all.

Services rendered are as follows:

Snarky comment
I will provide you with one (1) snarky comment a day for a total of seven (7) days. You are free to use this comment as you see fit – probably to fling at someone in an insulting, derisive fashion. PRICE: £25

Chips
I will post you some chips. I might have eaten some, some might not have been cooked, some might be in their original form (“potato”). Second class post. PRICE: £34

Blog
I will write a blog about you, and even do you a special treat in the shape of a photoshopped image of you. Well, probably of me as that’s easier to do. You have no (0) say in what the blog is about, bar the fact you’ll be featured. PRICE: £250

Hammers
I don’t know. Chicks dig hammers, right? PRICE: £4

Something from my room
I have a lot of shit in my room, as well as some alright stuff. I will pick one bit of shit at “random” (it won’t be random) and send it to you. You “will” be pleased (you won’t). PRICE: £95

I think that’s a fair number of exciting services, and I’m sure I’ll have enough for a Vita within the next couple of hours. It’s like Kickstarter, only better.

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