Tag Archives: laughing

Funny or die

I have odd personality quirks. This may not come as a surprise if you are human, seeing as we all have odd personality quirks. Apart from the terminal dullards out there who should probably just kill themselves and give us people with something going on in our heads a bit more room to be ‘unique’ (‘unique’ often translates as ‘twatty’).

Alright, maybe not kill themselves, that’s a bit far. Just chop a hand off or something, then at least you’ve got an interesting story to tell people. Get a hook too. Double-story. Thank me later.

Anyway, one thing about my personality, beyond the shocking lack of confidence, the oft-unbridled aggression based on the smallest of provocation, the inability to take most things seriously and the massive ability to get repeatedly dumped for no good god damn reason is that I think I am funny. I do. In fact, I’d go so far as to say I know I’m funny. But that’s not actually the thing – the thing is as follows: if you do not laugh at what I say, I am very likely to out and out dislike you.

I don’t mean you have to laugh at every word, or even 23% of my japist wit. A snigger or a smirk lets you off the hook. I notice. I remember. And if you sit there stony faced I simply do not like you. Why? I don’t actually know, but I’m willing to bet it’s because it makes you come across as either humourless (meaning you actually might as well be dead) or too thick to get what I’m on about (see previous parenthesis for solution to this problem).

Yes, I’m actually being mildly arrogant here. Let me run with it for once. I’m aware it’s a bit weird, but there you go. Weirdness is interesting, so fuck you you judgemental twerps.


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The law is hilarious

Picture the scene: you’re a bit of a dimwit (by all (one) accounts) and have been done for warring with your neighbours. You have done the classic Hal manoeuvre from Malcolm in the Middle of putting down your own home-made speed bumps, in order to slow down your speeding neighbour. You have also been involved in a bit of fisticuffs with the very same neighbour. So it comes as no surprise that you are slapped with the Queen’s favourite crime deterrent – an ASBO.

But this isn’t any anti-social behaviour order – no, this ASBO is filled with magical pixie dust that makes it able to stop you from doing some truly heinous things. This is an ASBO preventing you from ‘staring at people’. It stops you from ‘engaging in slow hand claps at the actions of others’. It denies you your god-given right to ‘wave objects at people’ or ‘adopt a menacing stance at anyone’. Most importantly of all, though, this ASBO makes it illegal under the terms of the order for you to ‘laugh at anyone’ within your local council’s jurisdiction area.

You have been legally banned from staring, clapping, waving, standing in certain ways and laughing. LAUGHING. You have become another victim of the system, which seeks to hunt down and ban anything and everything that could ever be seen as offensive or insulting towards another person. No longer can you engage in staring competitions with people, sarcastically clap as your friend messes up the most basic of actions or laugh at the very same friend when he follows up his lack of ability with a basic lack of motor functions. You didn’t even fight the law, but the law won.

On one hand, I find this scenario incredibly frightening. I’m not one to shout from the rooftops of ‘political correctness gone mad’ (as I happen to like treating people fairly and eliminating racial epithets from everyday use – call me old fashioned) nor do I honestly fear the increasing control exerted by the state (concerned, yes – fear? No). On the other hand, this is one of the most downright silly and utterly pointless wastes of time imaginable.

As silly as this all may be, for all I know the guy could be a bit of a mentalist, hence the order. He might not be, though, and instead could just be the victim of some batshit insane magistrate’s handing this nonsense out.

Oh, did I forget to mention this is all real?

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Filed under Prattle