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Things to do before the big three-oh update II: this time it’s war

In less than a year I’ll be 30, which is annoying. Not because of age or ‘oh no I’m old’ or any such nonsense, but because it means I have less time to fulfil all the steps on my 30 List I did a while back.

So hey, let’s do an update on that definitely not because it’s late and I can’t think of anything else to do because I’ve been sat here all day not using my brain.

1. Write something funny for radio/television/whatever wider audience there is.

I wrote something funny in a magazine that nobody buys, if that counts.

2. Get myself out of debt, at least in part.

I haven’t got myself out of debt at all, but I am in less debt. This is me admitting I’m shit and have had help.

3. Eat enough beans for a random passer-by to exclaim “that’s a lot of beans!”

Nobody ever passes by when I eat beans, but I do eat more beans than I did both when I wrote this list and when I updated on it a while back.

4.Through a bean-based diet, lose some weight.

As my bean intake has increased, I would say I’ve lost more weight as the result of a bean-based diet. I could say it and actually mean it, which is weird. Hmm.

5. Following bean-exclamation and subsequent bean-diet, get as buff as Buff Bagwell (the clue’s in his name, amazingly).

Oh who can be arsed getting buff. It’s boring. And Bagwell is a twat.

6. Give up all hope of writing for telly, instead opt to reform Sharkey and George, crime-busters of the sea. On stage.

Shut up, past-Ian. You’re not funny.

7. See the Queen naked.

Oh well done Ian of 2010 you’re so edgy and wacky and why don’t you just fuck off, yeah?

8. See Queen naked.

We all see what you did there you stupid little shit, acting like you’re so funny by using the word Queen twice and meaning two differen things with it you’re not big or clever you’re just a smug little bastard.

9. Play Mass Effect 2 45 times.

Did you not even think this would need to be updated you mindless peon? That new games to draw your attention away from this one particular flash in the pan obsession would come out? Jesus, you’re dumber than I thought.

10. Re-write this list with more beans-based steps.

You haven’t even re-written a list, past-Ian. Pathetic. Except it would be reliant on me, future-Ian to re-write it. Meaning I am the one that has failed this step. Meaning oh god my brain’s about to explode.

Goodnight!

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How to make people not sit next to you

I am currently on a train, hence writing a load of blogs in quick succession (WWE TLC is on to the left of this window, of course). To the right of me, on one of the few unreserved seats in the train is sat… NOBODY. I am quite good at making it so people don’t actually want to sit next to me, so I have decided to write a quick guide you can refer to (quickly) to make sure the scum (“other people”) stay well away from you.

Look like me
If you can’t yet buy Ian Masks in shops around the world (you should be able to, and if you can’t, it’s a load of shit), you’re going to have to hope you have my face. If you don’t have my face, you can try and adopt the Ian face. It’s simple: just never smile, look like you’re about to kill everyone in the local area, sneer derisively in the direction of everyone else alive and generally just be Full Of Hate.

Use the table next to you
Right now I have some apple juice and Wine Gums on the little table next to me, as I have no room on my own little table. This isn’t too in the way, nor is it really taking the piss in any way, or something. Anyway, people see it there then think there’s someone sat there THERE ISN’T HA HA THE FOOLS.

Look even more like me
See above, then times it by two.

Smell like me
Pretty self explanatory.

Be a tramp
It helps, I’ll be honest.

And there’s your top tips for the day.

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I WANT I WANT I WANT ME ME ME

Things I want change a bit, though not much. I still think I have some fairly realistic, if not a bit stupid, expectations for Stuff Wot I Will Have at some point in my life.

For example, I want a Clementine tree. You, the regular, loyal, sexy readers of this here blog know damn well how much I adore that particular brand of fruity fruit. To have my very own fruity fruit production device would be THE BEST OF THE THINGS. They can even live in this country, though it would likely require a greenhouse and to take it out of the outside (“inside”) when the weather turns cold.

But it would be great, and I don’t think it’s that crazy a want. I mean, they’re hundreds of pounds and I’d need to live somewhere with the space for it all, but I’m going to be a millionaire thanks to my crack empire soon enough, so there’s that.

I also want a dog. I like dogs as much as I like clementines BUT NOT TO EAT HA HA HA I do wish dogs grew on trees though. That would be funny, especially as the tree dogs would be so confused, all like ‘whuuu? Why am I in a tree lol’ and then you’d pick them and have a dog you grew.

No idea if you’d need a greenhouse though.

I also want to live in a foreign country at some point, but the problem there is I’m a tremendously nervous coward of doom who cannot cope in situations outside his comfort zone without massive help. As such, I will require someone to come with me. Maybe a tree dog. He can translate.

I have other wants too, but right now one of my wants is to not list them. So I won’t. LATERS POTATERS.

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Things I will ban when I rule the world, part 1

I’m not in charge yet, but I might be at some point so it wouldn’t hurt to come up with a list of some of the many, many things that I will be banning. I will mainly be banning them all because I’m a crotchety old shit who wants things to just bugger off and leave me alone. Seriously – what’s so wrong with that? Absolutely nothing, that’s what. So here’s a list-type thing:

People brushing against my elbow.
I get it – you need to walk past and my elbows tend to stick out a little bit from the seat. That’s because I’m quite large. And yes, maybe I could draw my elbows closer so this couldn’t happen, or maybe you could turn to the side so your massive arse doesn’t wipe itself on my skin, or maybe I could just ignore this minor inconvenience and get on with life. But no – I’m just going to ban the shit out of it. BANNED.

Turbulence.
Seriously. The fuck? It was bad enough on the flight back to knock an air hostess into my lap which was both terrifying and annoying (I was trying to eat). Dear air: stop trying to make me think you’re going to make the plane explode. It is scary and unnecessary, and makes me not want to fly. That, or Valium. Anyway: BANNED.

People who take business seriously, as if it’s not an utterly ridiculous concept at the basest level.
Because, yeah, like, man, like, things and stuff, it’s just stuff, man. Seriously though – stop having these straight-faced conversations about shit that I don’t think matters, or I’ll have you ejected from the planet onto a newly conquered planet I have christened Twatdonia. “Ohhhh, this graph has stuff on it let’s pretend we’re important by talking about it”. BANNED.

Ugly people.
I don’t think I fall into this category, though I can never be sure. I mean, I’ve seen photos of this schnozz and it’s not exactly pleasing to the eye. Anyway, truly ugly people need to go away please. You sadden me by being alive and not being pretty. I’m image obsessed, you see, and only surround myself with beautiful people all the time. Apparently because I like looking the worst out of a group. So yeah, uggos: BANNED.

Violence as the answer (it’s the question – the answer is ‘yes’).
If you cannot solve a problem that probably has some solution to it, the solution you decided upon to use should not just be ‘hitting it with a hammer until it dies’, or ‘punching teeth out until I’m right’. No, it should be ‘forfeiting to Dransfield, as he’s always right’. Yeah, sounds about right. BANNED.

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Things to do before the big three-oh: UPDATE

I wrote a list of things I wanted to do before I was 30, all the way back in January of 2010. I think it’s about time to update you all on my progress and see where we can go from here. Mainly because this is an easy catch-up entry. Hush down.

1. Write something funny for radio/television/whatever wider audience there is.
Nope

2. Get myself out of debt, at least in part.
Yep, followed by a re-nopeing

3. Eat enough beans for a random passer-by to exclaim “that’s a lot of beans!”
Alas, still a nope

4.Through a bean-based diet, lose some weight.
Though weight has gone, it hasn’t been bean-based, so this is a nope

5. Following bean-exclamation and subsequent bean-diet, get as buff as Buff Bagwell (the clue’s in his name, amazingly).
A nope, as bean-working out in earnest hasn’t commenced

6. Give up all hope of writing for telly, instead opt to reform Sharkey and George, crime-busters of the sea. On stage.
Hopefully we’ll see some movement on this soon

7. See the Queen naked.
Every day, in my mind

8. See Queen naked.
Every other day, in real life

9. Play Mass Effect 2 45 times.
Does one time, then half a time, then quarter of a time count?

10. Re-write this list with more beans-based steps.
Absolutely nopeish. I gave up on beans a while ago, it seems

And there you have it. I have completed so little on the list and I’m running out of time. With little over two years left until I hit the age where I may as well abso-defolutely be dead, I should get a move on.

Or just kill myself, then I won’t have to try anymore.

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Winter’s to-do list.

I’ve got some stuff to sort out before I bugger off for the winter break. As I tend to lose or otherwise deface the hand-written lists I make, I’m going to put one on here for all to see. That was it’s going to be un-cock-draw-on-able as well as something that pressure me into actually sorting these things – after all, if I know I’m being judged I’m more likely to actually do this shit. LIST TIME:

  • Do washing up. It’s been sat there in a state of half-washed, half-not washed for quite a while now and needs sorting.
  • Vacuum floor. See above.
  • Vacuum excess sugar you couldn’t reach that you dropped this morning. Don’t want to encourage those ants to come back*. (*hilariously, they’re never coming back because they’re all dead)
  • Take Tron Evolution out of 360, nail to Frisbee, fling over rainbow.
  • Ponder awhile as to why my PS2 is out and set up, when I never use it.
  • Ponder why I still have this steering wheel I nabbed from work, seeing as it’s shit.
  • Ponder the above two matters again, only this time do it out loud or in blog form.
  • Realise the above point has already been completed and put a big tick next to it.
  • Try and figure out how to do a big tick in Word.
  • Fail.
  • Socks.
  • Attempt to purchase a belt that says it’s your size and actually is your size.
  • Realise you don’t care that much about a new belt, as the old one is absolutely fine.
  • Tell the world this isn’t a subtle present request, as a belt is a really boring present.
  • Wonder if this train of thought thing is anywhere near as funny as I hoped it would me.
  • Realise it isn’t.
  • Wonder aloud (though still quietly) how this loud twat you live with has been able to get through life without being stabbed.
  • Plot stabbing.
  • Get arrested for making humorous comment about stabbing.
  • Think up more witty satire about the police force and why they’re such bastards.
  • Cry self to sleep.
  • Scratch that last one.
  • WATCH COMMANDO.

I think that’s it. Hopefully I can get them all done before I sod off to Swiss-er-land on the 23rd. Wish me luck!

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Games Media Awards 2010: who the winners SHOULD have been

No image. Can’t be bothered. Waaaay too tired.

I just sat through a live blog of the Games Media Awards – it’s the Oscars for game journalists, except even less credible and with even more foul people crammed into a disgusting room. I think. I’ve never actually been. Anyway, I have decided the awards didn’t go to who they should have gone to, so I will rectify this now by declaring the original list null and void.

It will instantly and irrevocably be replaced with this following list, to stand forever and ever until the end of time. Or 2011. Either way is fine by me.

Best Games Magazine: Ian Dransfield

Best Games Website: Ian Dransfield

Specialist Writer (Print): Ian Dransfield

Specialist Writer (Web): Ian Dransfield

Games Coverage in a Mainstream Magazine: Ian Dransfield

Games Blog: Ian Dransfield

Coverage in a National Paper: Ian Dransfield

Games Broadcast/Podcast: Ian Dransfield

Rising Star: Ian Dransfield

Regional Games Columnist:
Ian Dransfield

LEGEND: Brian Blessed

See? I’m quite clearly correct, and not in the least bit bitter or even slightly insane. FACTS. I am going to sit here and play Fallout in my dressing gown now, as I am rock and/or roll to the max.

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