Well, he’s dead. The most hilarious-yet-horrifying person the world has ever seen* is no more. Taken from us while on his ridiculous armoured train he travelled the world** in. According to the people You Can Trust, he suffered megadeath as a result of overworking himself physically and mentally, trying to bring stability and prosperity to the nation he loved***.
Kim Jong-Il is dead. No longer with us. Deceased. He is an ex-dictator. Shuffled off this mortal coil.
Now, Gadaffi I didn’t much care for: he looked weird, he waved like a girl, he was clearly a complete knob. The other bastard killed this year wasn’t a dictator per se, but Osama Bin Laden was in fact a poopy head. He never did much for me, truth be told.
But Kim Jong-Il always amused me. Not to be that guy****, but I was well into him before Team America made him cool. There was just something about him. He didn’t carry himself well. He didn’t look like a statesman. He didn’t look evil. He didn’t look like a complete fucker. He didn’t look like much of anything, except for an overgrown baby with absolutely stupid hair.
And that’s why he was so great. I mean, granted, he caused the pain, suffering and deaths – directly and indirectly – of thousands, possibly millions. He was, by all measures of a man, a complete cunt. But how on earth could you ever stay mad at Kim Jong-Il when he did things like what I did write about a year and two weeks ago?
How can you be mad at someone who appears in a picture like that, even if they do engage in nuclear sabre-rattling? How? I have no idea.
You deserved to die, Kim Jong-Il, though I’m not sure if the world will be a better place with your fat, Swiss-educated son in charge*****. But I for one will miss your weird-shaped body and fucking stupid hair.
*Apart from Jeremy Beadle
**Some of the world, at least
***”Violently raped for nearly two decades”
****I’m always that guy
***** No comment