Tag Archives: mcdonalds

Today, I didn’t hate McDonald’s

Hey look, it’s the blog that was predicted by Ryan “Ryan” King earlier today. Miraculous and unexpected!

Basically, I went to McDonald’s today. For the first time in years. And you know what? I had a massive hangover. I had a massive hangover, and I wanted shitty food. I’ve been eating a lot of shitty food recently, and I should stop. But I had a massive hangover and I wanted shitty food.

So I had some shitty food.

And it was good.

I mean, it was terrible. It tasted like fat and salt. The chips were a weird mix of too soft and too sharp and crunchy. The coke was iced up to the tits. Gherkins still exist, as do onions. Objectively speaking, it was a pile of shit.

But in my rather confused state it was probably the best thing I could have done. As a result I am an instant convert to the world of Maccy Dees, to the point where I will rescind everything bad I ever said about the Evil Empire and its shitty food (that is shit).

I take it back about the stupid claims as if it’s a good thing that the chips are “100% potato”, or that just because it says “pure beef” it doesn’t mean the burgers aren’t made from ground up anus and cow toenails. I take it back about their horrible, horrible ‘common man’ poetry adverts being terrible – I was clearly wrong and they’re actually brilliant.

Though my version was still better.

I might be in the throes of some kind of McDonald’s-inflicted mania, by the way. In fact, I hope I am, because I can’t live with myself liking that place. Going to have to suicide it up. Or have another one of these delicious beers.

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I saw some adverts just now, and they almost managed to be as stupid as the one where a scotch egg has sex with a bottle of orange pop. I mean, not quite, because that’s physically impossible. But these were some dumb elements to adverts that I feel the need to write about because I definitely had so many good blog ideas today. Here we go:

Warning: Toy Inside
It seems children – and parents – these days need to be both reminded that Kinder Eggs exist and that they include toys in them. I shit thee not, the small print on the advert says ‘Warning: toy inside’. In a Kinder Egg. The entire point of a Kinder Egg being that they have toys inside them. I see no warning on shampoo ads saying ‘Danger: shampoo contained within’, or make-up adverts that say ‘Attention: tested on gibbon anuses’

McDonald’s does KFC food, Burger King does McDonald’s food
So ‘should have failed a few years ago, actually massively succeeded’ McDonald’s has taken inspiration from the militaristic poultry emporium by bringing out fried chicken wraps. They sound like the most boring things in the world. And probably are. As for the eternal, royal competition, Burger King has decided to start selling chicken McNuggets.

Where’s the imagination in the most creative of industries, fast food? WHERE I AM SHOCKED OH MY GOD etc.

Malibu think people are stupid enough to do a dance they’ve cynically created for the purpose of an advert
And you know what? People are stupid enough.

This is an advertisement
When this has to be pointed out on an advert you know the world is a much dumber place than it has to be. Le sigh.

Yeah, this was all in the space of a single advert break, by the way.

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200th post spectacularrrrrrr

Well, this is post 200. Again I should reiterate that I expected to last a little over one week – seven-to-ten posts, I’d say. So it’s a phenomenal personal achievement to have managed to make it this far, even if the quality has been questionable at best. Let’s prove that statement by highlighting some of the entries from ‘the difficult second hundred’. GO:

The 101st entry was actually one I expected to get more response to, even though it got a reasonable one. What’s the matter? You all fear the fact that my opinions on comedians are clearly so much more powerful, sexy and right than yours? Go look again, anyway. Here. Or the Star Wars is shit list – have a look at that one too. List-o-rama here.

Does anyone remember the general election? I don’t. I erased it from my mind, even after this ridiculously long, self-pitying demi-rant I had about it. GO. Speaking of self-pity, why did nobody donate to this worthwhile cause? Bastards.

This made me laugh, and still does. iPad wankers. And this still makes me so ridiculously happy – to the point that I remembered it earlier and it made me do a ‘laugh out loud’. Ah, Chaddock. You massive fanny.

Dranfield’s investigative journalism hit a new high with this little ditty, which crap as it is I’m actually a tiny bit proud of. Only a tiny bit though. PORNSTARS. Whereas my investigative opinion-having seems to have paid off with regards to Futurama, which has indeed come back and has indeed turned out to still be great. Well done there.

This got six whole comments, so why not re-link? And this has Youtube videos (and amazing comedy), so why not re-link? As does this, actually.

My lovely girlfriend muscled her way into the act a few weeks ago, releasing this tirade on an unsuspecting public in what I hope was the first of a few guest blogs. So I don’t have to write as many. Is that cheating? Who knows. Whereas I soon followed it up with a shocking revelation – and I’m still not sure if I’m over it.

But my version of the McDonald’s poem, which I did the other day, is actually one of my favourite things I’ve done. I actually thought about it for more than ten minutes – yes, it isn’t amazing and could be a lot better – but it makes me laugh. And that’s all that matters.

Here’s to the next hundred. And sixty-five.

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The McDonald’s poem advert: my version

I don’t watch TV a huge amount, and one of the key reasons is because I cannot stand adverts. It may shock you to learn I’ve been over this before. But out of all of the rip-offs, all of the sanctimonious, insincere nonsense, of all the half-baked notions of ‘art’, the other rip-offs and the painfully unfunny scripts that take up your mind-time in ad breaks, there is one thing that makes me want to vomit my gonads out through my nostrils before picking said gonads up and ramming them down the throat of whichever prick it is that first thought of this fucking advert. I present to you exhibit A:

Rather than keep on whining though, instead I’m going to combat this menace with a poem of my own. Bear with me, I haven’t written one of these since I was in the sixth form.

Now the scallies and the scrotes
The idiots and the muppets
Were just going for a Maccy D’s.

And the other townies and chavs
Called Shaz, or Baz
Were just spending their benefits on Big Macs for their six-month-old babies.

The morons and scrubbers
Too poor of intelligence to notice this stuff kept them pizza-faced well into adulthood
Were just passing by… but then stopping in because they can’t resist a MACCY D’s.

Then the thieves and the muggers
The kind who’ll happily stab chuggers
Turned up to spend the money they’d robbed from an old woman on Quarter Pounders.

And the children who should know better
And their parents who aren’t much older
Are just getting drunk and arguing with the security guard on the door.

Now the neds with their baseball caps
Aren’t surprised McDonald’s needs security guards
‘Cos they were the ones who stabbed someone in the bogs last week.

Then the inquisitive little girl
Just had to go and hurl
When she asked daddy what they put in those milkshakes.

And Gaz, Baz and Daz
All halfway through a night on the razz
Were just having a brawl in the children’s area.

Then it all just sinks in
An epiphany over the din
“I think I will just pass this place by”.


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