Tag Archives: me

Fat Tosser In A Dressing Gown: the pilot pitch

I am going to write to the boss of MTV, Gary MTV, with a suggestion for a new show that would send his station’s ratings through the roof – literally! (Not literally)

I have seen there are some shows about supposedly real people doing supposedly real things, and Gary’s station has something to do with Geordies on it. I know this because I just saw an advert that told me as such. I also know these things are popular enough to actually be watched by about 12 people. Possibly more. Possibly less.

I have no idea.

Anyway, I’m going to follow a similar path with my suggestion – imitation/flattery and all that, plus I know how all people who have any involvement with the creation of new TV like their trends (also the whole ‘not having to actually think of a new idea’ thing).

Basically, it’s a shoe-in to be accepted, and once on the air it will become the most popular TV show in the world.

It will star me, obviously, and will be one of those ‘super-real’ shows where it’s not actually real but we pretend it is. I’ll actually be told to do all of the wacky things I get up to, and I’ll probably be given money to do said things, but that doesn’t matter.

The show will be called ‘Fat Tosser In A Dressing Gown’. Each week will see an hour-long show following my adventures in sitting here, in my dressing gown, building up fresh stains. I’m hoping to get a gravy stain by the end of this week, two more tea stains by February 23rd and possibly some blood by February 24th (possibly related to tea stains).

How can you say that would be anything other than the greatest TV of all time? OF ALL TIME.

Also it will make me a millionaire, which I’m alright with.

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Challenge Ianeka

I often think I should be challenged to do things. I’m not a competitive person by nature, and in fact I get a bit pissed off with people who are. Plus I’m not the type to give in to the whole notion of challenging yourself to something daft, or life-changing. Too lazy for that nonsense. Climb a mountain? Fuck off.

Which is why, inspired by one of the greatest TV shows of all time – Futurama – I’m putting it out there. Challenge me to something I both can and will do. I thought long and hard about it, I thought about the things I could be bothered to do, the things I could drag myself out of bed to do and the things that I really should do to make myself a better person. Then I just settled on drinking as much coffee as possible, because Fry did it and I aim to be like him at some point in my life*.

Unless one of my literally less than 50 readers comes up with a better challenge, that is. In which case I’ll just pretend to do that one instead.

Did I say “pretend to do”? I mean definitely do. Obviously. You have the power. Use it wisely.

(Cue rush of zero comments…)

*I realise I both already am like him and that he is a cartoon character. The point stands.


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