Tag Archives: nasa

NASA satellite death to the head

Seeing as though the NASA satellite that’s going to hit the earth tomorrow is clearly going to land right on my head, such is the luck of me (Ian), I think I’ll do some kind of last will and testament.

  1. 1.       Bury me with all my shit
    I don’t want any of you idiots having my stuff when I’m dead, mainly because you’ll all put your stupid fingers all over it and mess it up. Hence, it’s safest to just bury it with me. Also I’m very selfish.
  2. 2.       Two And A Half Men isn’t funny
    This needs to be made law or something, post-satellite head-collision. Because it’s unfunny shit.
  3. 3.       All future satellites should have my face engraved on them
    It’s the perfect tribute to me – after all, I’m totally about satellites and stuff. Always go on about them. Never shut up about them, me.

Right, I’m bored of that now. And, now I think about it, that’s all I really need. Putting it on a blog like this makes it legal, yes? Good, Sorted. Done.

Of course, I’ll look quite the fool if those bastards from NASA don’t do me in like they’re supposed to. “Oooh, the satellite landed harmlessly in the sea,” they’ll say, “well, we say harmlessly but it did kill a batch of shrimp,” they’d add, “wait – do you call it a batch of shrimp? A shoal? A school? A murder?” they’d question.

Because NASA are sea idiots.

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The chances of anything coming from Rhea? One to one, quite possibly.

So if we lookey here we can see that NASA has a press conference arranged for this coming Thursday. In it there will be an announcement, or talk, or mention, or something relating to the search for extraterrestrial life. As in, aliens. As in, creatures from another world. As in, oh jesus crikey I’m shitting myself.

But then normal, rational Ian takes over. What’s the announcement going to be about? I have a few speculative brain-farts I’d like to throw out, and none of them are particularly funny or interesting. No, wait – they’re all really funny and incredibly interesting. Yeah, that’s the way to encourage “web” “traffic”.

You may have seen recently that they – ‘they’ being the space twits at NASA – discovered that Saturn’s moon Rhea had some of that oxygen stuff in its atmosphere, along with some of that carbon dioxide stuff. Now this got tongues wagging – as far as my limited understanding goes, the presence of oxygen and/or carbon dioxide could very well indicate the presence of biological organisms on the planet. It could also mean some specific chemical reactions are being set off that are nothing to do with living things, we don’t know yet. But I would say my bet is on… hmm. I don’t know. I may postulate some more.

My second theory is that it’s nothing at all, and they’re just calling a press conference as it’s something they do quite often. It will be some blokes saying “we had a look, we didn’t find anything. Soz.” There’s actually a fair chance this will happen, actually. Not that I want it to.

My own, personal, third theory that nobody else in the world could ever come up with is presented in picture form:

We’re doomed.

I will be awaiting the announcement with bated breath, however. I’m sceptical it will be anything of real note, but that’s just how I am. While I don’t believe it will be any kind of monumental announcement, that doesn’t mean I’m not hopeful it is. Even if it’s a shitty single-celled organism – it’s a fucking alien species from another planet.

And to think I was stupid enough to write that story about life being found under the frozen surface of Europa. What a fool I was! Ahem. I mean… err… I never wrote that story. I am definitely not a nerd. I really don’t want to watch Star Trek right now. Hmm.

Wow, I’m actually excited. That’s broken my cynicism-rhythm. Don’t let me down, NASA – give us some more things to put in front of fundamentalist theists to see how they explain these away (N.B. this is not the only reason I want them to have found something, it’s just something that popped into my head now).

Squeeeeeeeeee! (That’s probably how the aliens talk, too)

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