Tag Archives: paul ws anderson

To Kill A Predator

I watched Predator yesterday. I watched Predator 2 today. Tomorrow I’ll probably watch Predators (unless I watch it this evening). As such I am currently the most experty expert on the topic of the alien hunting machine known as the Predator, and as such I am going to list some ways in which I would not only survive an encounter with one of the big, dreadlocked bastards, but how I would make it bleed.

Because, you know, if it bleeds we can kill it.

Drop my gun, put my hands up, start crying, wet myself
Then, when the bastard thinks I’m poor sport I’d totally kill the shit out of him with the secret gun I forgot to mention I had. HaHA!

Cover myself in mud, wear a heat-proof space suit thing, not carry any weapons and don’t be Gary Busey
That way I’m guaranteed to survive any encounter. Admittedly I wouldn’t be able to kill it like I promised, but fuck you. I’m scared and I want it to go away, so I’m very much surviving like the fittest in this situation.

Make sure it’s one of Paul WS Anderson’s Predators
While the original beasts are nimble yet ferocious beasts, imposing in size and dominant in battle, the Predators created by Paul WS Anderson for his abortion of a film Aliens vs Predator were not quite up to that level. Basically they were fat and died easily. If I was to fight one of Paul’s Predators, I’d probably be able to win. Genuinely. Armed with little more than a wooden spoon.

Throw Paul WS Anderson at it
Then, naturally, stay to watch it tear his spinal column out. It’s like porn, in a way. I reckon it would then blow itself up, as its work on earth would clearly be done with.

Hammers
Lots of hammers.

Hire Sean Bean
I don’t know why, I just get the feeling Seen Been would either be able to distract the Predator by talking in a thick Yorkshire accent, or he’d be able to kill it. With swords, most likely.

Definite vein of logic running through this whole entry, yes indeedy.

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DEAD NOW LOL, a film by Ian Dransfield

Here is a scene I have written for a film I will make. I decided to do it while watching Death Race. If that can be made into a film and get Jason Statham involved then there’s hope for any of us. Rather than being the worst thing ever, it’s actually hugely inspiring.

MAIN CHARACTER goes to jail either for a crime he didn’t commit or a crime he did commit but one that you could morally justify. An ironic rape, or something. He is all rugged and shit, but even though he’s clearly a massive twat is burdened with ‘honour’. He gets into some fights in prison, makes friends with a MOTLEY CREW – one of whom is likely a geek like the kind you saw on TV about 30 years ago and has never changed.

MAIN CHARACTER: “Ooooh, I well shouldn’t be in prison like.”

NEFARIOUS UNTRUSTWORTHY BAD CHARACTER: “LOL I’m well going to toy with you for ages before I kill you LOL but I’m going to pretend I’m your friend TROLOLOLOLOLOL.”

MAIN CHARACTER: “All I have is hope, so I will choose to believe you even though I don’t believe you. I will also throw in my own LOL at this point. LOL.”

Out of nowhere, SEXY WOMAN walks in. She has clothes on that she probably shouldn’t be wearing given the situation, and she is also remarkably pretty for a woman who is apparently a mass murderer. It’s always the pretty ones, after all. SEXY WOMAN walks up to the lead character in slow motion and looks at him, all sexy like.

SEXY WOMAN: “Hey, oooh, yeah, umm, *vague sexual comment* *compliment towards lead character’s good looks*”

MAIN CHARACTER: “Gearstick. Bojangles. Euphemism. LOL!”

SEXY WOMAN: “Sassy remark.”

MAIN CHARACTER: “My pride did just get burned, but I believe we will still end up having sex later on and it will definitely make the story better for some reason.”

Suddenly DRIVING happens, with cars and stuff, and the cars are all like VROOM and the tyres are all like SCREEEECH

NEFARIOUS UNTRUSTWORTHY BAD CHARACTER: “LOL you’re going to totally die now LOL didn’t see that coming did you dickhead.”

MAIN CHARACTER: “Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal! Also your sweet burn/ultimate insult.”

MAIN CHARACTER is killed, but two minutes later it turns out he survived being dead because of his biceps being well manly and shit. He walks up to NEFARIOUS UNTRUSTWORTH BAD CHARACTER with a big smile on his face – the kind of smile all people have when they’re about to commit murder because as we all know murder is cool and should be celebrated in all forms.

MAIN CHARACTER: “DEAD NOW LOL!”

NEFARIOUS UNTRUSTWORTH BAD CHARACTER explodes in a shower of pulped yams after MAIN CHARACTER biceps him/her/it to death.

THE END

I genuinely believe this is how Paul WS Anderson writes his scripts.

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