Tag Archives: pointless

A discovery of historical significance

I was recently lucky enough to find the rarest of the rare – a large bag containing 18 smaller packets of Nik Naks, the “knobbly, freaky sticks of corn”. This is something most historians will agree is a good find, I’m sure they’d be all too happy to tell you. You see, the “Nik” “Nak” was a strange beast in the childhood of many Britons – the rebel of the crisp world; not potato, not flat (in fact, not even a regimented shape) and consisting of some frankly ridiculous and non-committal flavours like ‘rib’ or ‘spicy’. Not only were they crisp-like snacks on the fringe of potato chip society, they were happy with their reputation – they thrived in being the outsider; the underdog. We all thought we’d seen the last of them, though, after what we thought to be their entire population was wiped out by an aggressive strain of Gibberella (Red) Ear Rot. But this find – in a dig site located in Lidl – showed us otherwise.

It isn’t clear whether I will be able to get the find declared as treasure just yet, as the coroner is away from his post for the next week or so*. By the time he returns, the find may well have perished after being subjected to the harsh conditions of my room in 2010. Either that or their deliciosity will be their downfall – I have no idea.

What it is safe to say, however, is that this find has brought back some memories of my past, though not a great deal. I mean who actually has a huge portion of their history attributed to a semi-tasty corn-based snack made into questionable shapes? Who? WHO?! TELL ME! No one: that’s who. Which is why, in this frankly bizarre entry, I am going to sign off by saying that nostalgia being linked to snack foods as it so often is, is a sign that this country is going to be a big fat fatty in a few years. It’s also a sign that the next fucking Facebook group I see asking “what happened to Wham bars” or “were Frosties (the sweets, not the cereal) good to throw at the elderly?” I will be forced to take explosive action. You have been warned.

*He’s off hunting marmosets in Kenya – they’re not indigenous to the country, so he has to have them flown over in transport crates. Sometimes, if he’s bored, he’ll make the cargo plane release the crates at high altitude before gunning them down with a flak cannon. He’s not a very nice man, to be honest, but each to their own and all that.

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Why I hate blogs, including this one

Stupid crap full of self-centred nonsense that no one in their right mind would ever give a dusty old turd about. But enough about *insert contemporary reference here*! The witty, Brandt-esque cartoon above hits the nail on the head in a hilarious and satirical, Rory Bremner-esque fasion. It must be a laugh-esque riot hanging around Gregory, whoever the fuck-esque that is. Anyway let’s talk about why blogs are a big steaming pile of monkey crap.

1. We don’t give two dollops of sloppy poo about your life, your opinions or what you do, ever. Unless you inherited Superman’s powers and mixed them with the ability to produce diamond-encrusted gold bars from your bellybutton every time you say “IT’S A TRAP!” like Admiral Ackbar then you probably aren’t interesting enough to read about.

2. You can’t spell, or you don’t bother checking your spelinks. You have some internets all around you – why not use them? (This does not apply to me right now, as I’m far too tired to move the mouse pointer to the top right, click the Google search bar then type whichever word it is I want to check the spelink on)

3. You say things like ‘blogosphere’ or ‘collective’ and don’t immediately vomit blood from your eyeballs at the merest suggestion of such transgressions.

4. Blogs allow people to think they’re spending time constructively, when actually all they’re doing is writing a nonsensical list of a few things they’ve just thought of that second, while at the same time trying to make themselves laugh.

5. When you agree to do a blog a day for a year then get asked to go to Stockholm for a bit you suddenly realise it’ll be reasonably hard to get anything posted tomorrow or Wednesday unless Sweden has internet. I hear it doesn’t. They have Swede though.

That’s your lot for the day. Hope you feel fulfilled.

P.S. There is absolutely no irony whatsoever in me blogging about why blogs are shit. If you think there is, you’re an idiot and I hope your tits get gnawed off by AIDS-ridden cats. With little bitey ants all over them. Who then go on to poo on you. The cats, that is – not the ants. Ant poo would be insignificant at best.

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