Tag Archives: prattle

PRATTLE 9000

I am totally drawing blanks right now. I have a fair bit going through my head, but a combination of not wanting to talk about things and not being sure how to talk about things means I’m confused and then my brain tells me “oh well you can’t actually think of anything then you idiotic git” and then I remember I’ve not slept much and have drank too many boozes this weekend so maybe that’s why I can’t think of anything and oh my this has turned into even more self-indulgent tripe than it normally is and I wonder if anybody has actually read every single thing I’ve put on here and if they have why they bother and why they don’t do something productive with their lives like anything else at all and oh right I’ve gone into a bit of a train of thought here or stream of consciousness as I actually meant to say and it’s not even funny or interesting so I should probably stop it now.

There’s a film called Journey 2: Mysterious Island. That’s the best they could come up with? Fucking hell. I was watching Andromeda earlier (1. Shut up. 2. I’ve never seen it. 3. Sci-fi, bitcheeesss) and I genuinely predicted a dozen lines well in advance of them being spoken, which either means I’m incredible or that people who write TV shows are predictable and boring meaning I could probably do it.

And this advert where the photographer is taking snaps while falling through the air and he’s using a phone is really fucking annoying because that would not happen unless he wanted to take shit photos that aren’t as good as they could be if he used dedicated hardware it’s nonsense like that that makes me want to burn down all adverts because they’re so utterly full of shit and oh it’s happened again.

Anyway, that’s today.

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Same thing we do every weekend, Pinky…

I think we should instigate a new rule when it comes to going out in Bournemouth – or anywhere, for that matter. This new rule is “do not listen to Ian’s suggestions”.

If we begin to follow this one simple rule we will be able to avoid many of the situations we find ourselves in that seem to drain most of our money away. Admittedly we will also miss out on many of the fun adventures – and anti-fun non-adventures, like going to the ex-strip club, now late-night drinks emporium/absolute shithole (with a thin layer of grease covering everything) – but it will be for the best.

After all, I am old and have a job and should be respectable now. I should not be living for the weekend.. well, Friday, as I can’t do two nights running as I am weak. I should not be encouraging people to do things they shouldn’t be doing because it amuses me. Regardless of being brilliant at blackjack and winning money last night, I really shouldn’t be constantly demanding we go to the casino at 4am. I shouldn’t be communicating with people solely through the medium of shouting JAEGERBOMB at them. I shouldn’t…

Ah, this is all bollocks. It’s base, stupid, expensive and pathetic, but I like doing it so I’m going to carry on. Ignore the do not listen to Ian rule. Change it to an ‘always listen to Ian’ one and you’re done. I still maintain I’m not going out again this month though.

Well that was a shit blog.

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No, that’s a lie

Today I found out my dearest friend had died in a hot air balloon jousting contest…

No, that’s a lie. I just can’t think of anything to write about. What would be the best way to die – not just your usual, blaze of glory (taking everyone else down with you) schtick, but for you personally.

See, I’m a handsome, rakish rogue that confounds as much as he delights the general populace…

No, that’s a lie. I just can’t think of anything to write about myself. What would be the best way to write about yourself – not just your usual, I am a person (taking everyone else down with you) schtick, but you personally.

See, I tend to write using words that you mere humanoids will do nothing but fail to understand…

No, that’s a lie. I just can’t think of anything to write about writing. What would be the best way to write about writing – not just your usual, this is some well good words (taking everyone else down with you) schtick, but your words personally.

See, I realise this is making very little sense right now but it was completely planned like this from the beginning…

No, that’s a lie. I just can’t think of anything to write about.

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