Tag Archives: predictions

England vs Germany ULTRA PREDICT-O-MAT

England vs Germany, innit. Let’s see how this goes down. Hopefully it will turn into a literal war, so all of those newspaper headlines and off-the-cuff remarks by commentators and pundits alike will be proven true. I’m sure that’s what they all want – well, it must be, given how quickly they turn to them. Though to be fair that’s more the English side – I have no idea what the German side of the press is saying.

But if it doesn’t turn into a war, it will be one of the few footballing fixtures that actually makes my blood ache along with all of the idiots in this country. For once it’s something I almost agree with the tabloids on. This is a serious rivalry by matches that have been played while I’ve actually been alive, rather than just clinging on to a 40+ year old victory. Euro 96 was heartbreaking. I wasn’t even that into footy in 1990 but I still remember how sad I was when England lost that.

I know it’s not cool to like football if you pretend to be open to more intellectual stimuli – “overpaid Neanderthals FNAR” etc. – but I do like it, and this fixture does make me quite passionate about the game. So that’s my prediction, really. I’ll get a bit het-up, then I’ll get even more het-up as I have to leave 15 minutes before the end of normal time, thanks to having to catch a FIVE HOUR TRAIN (not that I’ve ever mentioned stuff like that before) back to Bournemouth. That’s sure to be the greatest last fifteen minutes of a game of all time, isn’t it?

It’s odd that I’m posting this so close to kick off, thus making my Nostradamus-style predictions outdated as soon as they hit the public view. AH WELL.

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FIFA World Cup 2010 predictions – groups G-H

Right, last one now and a lot later than I intended to do it so it’ll probably be worse than the other three – and they were pretty bad. Ah well. Read on, reader.

Group G

Brazil: See, I don’t really care about Brazil in any World Cup – I just accept they’re great. I care even less right now that my brain is dominated by post-Sony conference E3 thoughts.

Ivory Coast: Like, when can I play Twisted Metal? What did Gabe’s half sentences about Steamworks mean? Is PS3 getting Steam? That would be amazing.

Portugal: It’s fun how E3 has managed to actually ignite some excitement from me for once – the last few years have been abject failures on that front. Twisted Metal! Kevin Butler is funny too. I reckon they’ll get a bit more use out of that character. He’s funny.

North Korea: Oh look – North Korea! I wonder if anyone there is even aware there’s a new Twisted Metal game coming out. I hope there is. If only a handful of secret North Korean nerds. Hard as that might be.

Group H

Spain: Wait, right, football. Errm… Spain are a team who are well good, like. I think they will do well in the football Word Cup, and that “Torres” will score some goals. I wish he still had a mullet though. Don’t know why, I just do.

Switzerland: Oh yes, THE SWISS. The monsters of the footballing world, known for their fury and sheer emotion on the pitch – as well as on the world stage. Filthy neutrals. They do have a chance to get out of this group, mind, as they’ve done well up to now.

Honduras: Another one of those teams you don’t really understand why they’re in the finals. Also I called them Costa Rica the other day, though that’s acceptable because I was thinking about Paulo Wanchope. And probably Twisted Metal.

Chile: What do Chile have going for them these days? I lost track of them in the early noughties, so I have no idea where they’re at right now. Probably shit. Oh well. Out in the group stage after the monsters of Switzerland beat them into a tearful submission.

Be fair now – it wasn’t as painful as you think it was. Maybe it made you laugh? Oh, screw you. I don’t give a shit if you laugh or not. You sick bastards. You suck.


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FIFA World Cup 2010 predictions – groups E-F

I would say “like a fine wine this gets better with age” but instead I’ll be more honest with you and say “like a £2.99 bottle of pissy-vinegar-wine this leaves a bad taste in your mouth, fills you with regret and gives you a headache. Oh, and it makes your mouth purple.” Honesty is of course the best policy.

Group E

Netherlands: I’ve never actually been to the Netherlands, which I consider quite odd as it’s cheap to go there and popular with ‘the kids’. It may be down to the fact that I have never been down with said ‘kids’, and because drug dealers and hookers scare me. Ah well. Quarters, possibly semis. Finals, I mean. Definitely not a hooker-related euphemism.

Japan: The Japanese will be galvanised after their rather fortuitous victory over Cameroon earlier today. Buoyed by their lifted spirits and not weighed down by their nation’s understandably-raised expectations the Japanese will make their way through to the second round in battling spirit, befor… GODZIRRA! Definitely not racist.

Cameroon: I have no opinion on Cameroon, mainly because I forgot the country even existed. Errm… out in the group stage?

Denmark: I’m not actually sure if the Danes are actually Danish or English or what, seeing as the adverts for their “favourite” lager claims to be as English as fish and chips or racism and alcohol-fuelled violence. Still, they are legally registered as a different country to England, so I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt. Speaking of doubt: as if Carlsberg is the most popular lager in Denmark. Surely those people have taste?

Group F

Italy: The old men of the tournament, dragging their zimmer frames around. Or is it the ‘average age of 28 team’? Either way, it’s some ridiculous point a dozen commentators and pundits can labour over in coming weeks, as the dirty dirty Italians more or less accidentally make their way to the semis. Though it would be hilarious if they only got to the quarters.

Paraguay: Where the fuck is Chilavert? (*checks Wikipedia*) Ah, retired in 2004, suspended prison sentence in 2006. Good work, one of my favourite keepers of all time. Definitely my favourite fat keeper of all time. I would write ParaGAY (like “you are gay” HAAHHA) off, but look at the other teams in the group.

New Zealand: From a literal perspective I can understand why New Zealand are in the finals: they did enough to qualify, obviously. From a figurative perspective? I do not understand why New Zealand are in the World Cup finals. It’s not even like they’re able to offer the ‘morbid curiosity’ factor the North Koreans bring. Sent home with their heads held half-high, I doubt they’ll be totally humiliated. After all – Ryan Nelsen!

Slovakia: Slovakia – otherwise known as ‘the harsher-sounding Slovenia’ – wouldn’t normally register on my radar. Un/fortunately, I picked them out in the work sweeps, meaning I have to egg them on to win the whole bloody tournament. This will not happen. Still, it might. (it won’t)

Tomorrow is the final two groups, and after that comes the point where I have to think of things to write again, rather than spunking out this nonsense. Though that does mean a lot of you are likely to start reading again, rather than thinking it’s a po-faced analysis of footballing futures and immediately dismissing it out of hand.

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FIFA World Cup 2010 predictions – groups C-D

Well, I started it so I’m going to finish it. Who knows, maybe it’ll get funnier this time? Or actually be funny. We can but try.

Group C

Slovenia: Tired of being mixed up with neighbours and soundalikes Slovakia, it will be the Slovenian national football team that puts in motion the first steps towards changing the name of the country to something more individual. For their second and third group games – and no more, as they won’t get past this stage – the team will wear a newly-designed strip with the country’s name as ‘The Mega-Republic of Tittybumnia’. There’s no saying how popular this will prove.

USA: The USA will be eliminated… *snigger*… after they think they can play in pads… *titter*… and use bats to hit the ball… *giggle*… and use the wrong terms to describe the action, like “shut-out” and “overtime”… *guffaw*… and something about hoops and basketball shorts… *laugh*… THE STUPID COLONIALS.

England: Will undoubtedly disappoint, seeing as it’s impossible to live up to the expectations of a nation of complete morons, such are those who inhabit this very nation. Shaun Wright-Phillips will probably play again. This will prove, once more, that there is no god. Out in the quarters.

Algeria: After a quick blast on the FIFA World Cup game, the Algerian coach Rabah Saadane will adopt a similar strategy to anyone playing as the Algerians in the game do: pass it to Belhadj. It won’t be as successful in real life.

Group D

Ghana: The nation will collectively tire of ITV’s constant replays of Marcel Desailly’s celebration of Ghana’s goal against Serbia. This ‘tiring’ will manifest itself first in the national team withdrawing themselves from the tournament and will soon spiral into scenes of civil unrest, culminating in all-out civil war. ITV will continue to play replays of Desailly’s celebration.

Germany: Will shock the world by proving they are indeed a more than competent footballing nation, able of carrying off a technical passing game with as much care and attention as the true greats on the world stage… oh, no, wait – wrong country. That was the text for Zaire.

Australia: Will remain in that strange position in the minds of everyone where nobody sees the point in putting any Aussie players in their fantasy league team. Even though Tim Cahill is good and Marco Bresciano was quite good on Football Manager once, there just won’t be anything the… sigh… “Socceroos” will be able to do to convince the general public there’s any point in having their players in fantasy sides.

Serbia: Poor performances will eventually be revealed to be a result of Serbia as a whole missing its old lover, Montenegro. Like many break-ups, it won’t have been immediately evident to anyone else but it has actually had a huge effect on everyone even slightly associated with Serbia. The news will make everyone in the world cry. And Serbia will do fuck all in the World Cup.

Well, yes I am tempted to abandon this. But, then, it is two more easy entries. Ah, thinking/writing out loud.

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FIFA World Cup 2010 predictions – groups A-B

In the fine spirit of seeing something someone else has done – in this case, Byron – and ripping it off for yourself, I have decided to offer you my predictions of what will happen with/for/to each individual team taking part in the soccerkicknet World Cup, 2010. Today I will cover the teams from groups A-B, tomorrow it’ll be C-D etc, etc. I am aware the tournament has been going a day now, but shut up – I didn’t read Byron’s blog til today and that’s when inspiration struck. GO:

Group A

South Africa: Steven Pienaar’s voice will get deeper as the tournament progresses, thus suiting his face (and godawful hair) even less than it already does. Vuvuzela’s will be outlawed: anyone brandishing one in public will be shot on sight. The first person gunned down will be Clive Tyldesley as he demonstrates how to use one – again – on ITV. *pleasepleasepleaseplease*

Mexico: Javier Aguirre will play a bit of Football Manager the night before his team’s next match, realising that he meant to right click on Ochoa’s name and not Oscar Perez Rojas, which he seemed to do by mistake before the game against South Africa. Idiot.

Uruguay: The amount of people saying “you are gay” will reach the point that the Uruguayan government will adopt the name as an unofficial moniker for the nation. This will lead to an unprecedented shift towards promotion of acceptance and encouragement for LGBT rights across the world, making the world a far more progressive, accepting and altogether nice place. Meanwhile, Uruguay will get knocked out at the first hurdle.

France: The French will adopt a new technique whereby the combined force of Andre-Pierre Gignac, Yoann Gourcuff, Jeremy Toulalan and Thierry Henry will flounce about with nice haircuts and designer stubble, devastating their opposition with their sheer good looks. This will tie in well with the whole “you are gay” situation encouraged by Uruguay, and will lead to group A being one of the most interesting parts of this year’s World Cup. That’s what France will have to rely on, at least, seeing as they were shite yesterday.

Group B

Argentina: Maradona, after snorting four pounds of neighbouring Colombia’s finest before each and every game, will at one point go ‘off his noggin’ – as the medical profession refers to it – and gun down 136 of his own country’s supporters. This will be written off by the press and officials alike as one of fatty’s quirks, and Argentina will go on to get to the World Cup final. Though they probably won’t. Either that or he’ll die of a heart attack during the side’s second group game.

Nigeria: Everyone who has ever played a video game version of football will have high hopes for the Nigerians, seeing as they’re always one of the fastest and stamina-rich of the nations. This will translate to the side being referred to as “athletic” non-stop by pundits, though you would be a fool if you thought this was just a slightly different way for the presenter to say “all black people are really fast and strong”. Nigeria will not win the World Cup.

South Korea: While it’s unsure what will happen to the team, what with them looking surprisingly good against Greece right now (though I could look surprisingly good against Greece), I do know one thing: at least four commentators will be sacked for referring to a Korean player as ‘nippy’. Even if it isn’t the right racial slur to use against Koreans, what does it matter? Crazy racist bastards get the sack. Ron.

Greece: By the time Greece’s third game comes about they will have bored themselves so much with their awful performances that each and every member of the playing and coaching staff will fall into a dull-induced coma. None of them will ever wake up again.

Well, that was fun, wasn’t it?

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My predictions for today’s train journey

By the time you read this, I will be dead. Well, not “dead” per se – more “on a train”. This is a part of the ritual I and my girlfriend, who shall remain nameless throughout, take part in quite often. She doesn’t remain nameless to protect her identity, it’s just so I can hilariously refer to her by comical pseudonyms throughout this non-stop folly which I have been crafting for a couple of weeks now. It’s a hard life…

Anyway, I would like to make a few predictions covering what I think will happen on my train journey as I travel up the country to meet Melvyn Bragg’s Soggy Wart, as I lovingly call her.

1. Some idiotic knobends from the Army will get on around Brockenhurst, or somewhere like that, and spend at least until Birmingham talking loudly to each other, drinking four cans of Stella between ten of them and talking about which girl they managed to get pregnant last time they were ‘on leave’. Don’t get me wrong, I have a fair few mates in the forces, and while I respect the job they do (while not really supporting what/why/where they do it, bar the obvious humanitarian work and blah blah I don’t have to justify myself to you), I cannot abide by morons.

2. I’m not going to tell said morons anything I’ve written here, nor am I going to complain to them or politely ask them to keep it down. I value my life more than I value not being irritated for a couple of hours.

3. There will be a girl sat either directly behind or in front of me and she will be crying. Sobbing her eyes out. Really taking the train to tear town.

4. I will not care about said girl to my front/rear.

5. Some idiot sat nearby will stare at my home-made sandwiches with a confused look on their face. It won’t be disgust, pity or sadness – nor will they be coveting my poorly-made near-meat and cheap-cheese surprise. No, they will just look at it as if I had just pulled a hammock full of pre-filleted haddock from a sling. Confusion tinged with delight, really.

6. I will get PSP Claw, leaving my hands in a small amount of pain for an hour or so post-journey.

7. I will never want to make the journey up the country again.

8. I will remember about Captain Cous-cous and her veritable jamboree of a personality and realise I do actually want to make the journey up the country again.

9. I will remember I have to get back down the country before I can come up it again, thus reminding myself it’s a two-way trip and wondering why the fucking hell Bournemouth appears to be the most remote place in the country.

10. I will vow to abandon all pretence of environmental consciousness (first step: stop reading the Grauniad, second step: burn tyres) by deciding I will now fly from Southampton to Manchester and back.

11. I will realise this costs too much and is a bit of a ball-ache, so will instead get back to playing on the PSP/DS.

12. I will pity the fools without PSPs/DSs’s’ss.

13. I will think of Mr T.

Then, once arrived, I will have to deal with Manchester. That’s a whole other post in itself. Probably a better one. That’s actually funny. And has more casual fucking swearing. Nevertheless, I will arrive and demand tea from Ego Destructis, and she will refuse and I’ll have to make it.

It’s a hard life.


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