In the fine spirit of seeing something someone else has done – in this case, Byron – and ripping it off for yourself, I have decided to offer you my predictions of what will happen with/for/to each individual team taking part in the soccerkicknet World Cup, 2010. Today I will cover the teams from groups A-B, tomorrow it’ll be C-D etc, etc. I am aware the tournament has been going a day now, but shut up – I didn’t read Byron’s blog til today and that’s when inspiration struck. GO:
South Africa: Steven Pienaar’s voice will get deeper as the tournament progresses, thus suiting his face (and godawful hair) even less than it already does. Vuvuzela’s will be outlawed: anyone brandishing one in public will be shot on sight. The first person gunned down will be Clive Tyldesley as he demonstrates how to use one – again – on ITV. *pleasepleasepleaseplease*
Mexico: Javier Aguirre will play a bit of Football Manager the night before his team’s next match, realising that he meant to right click on Ochoa’s name and not Oscar Perez Rojas, which he seemed to do by mistake before the game against South Africa. Idiot.
Uruguay: The amount of people saying “you are gay” will reach the point that the Uruguayan government will adopt the name as an unofficial moniker for the nation. This will lead to an unprecedented shift towards promotion of acceptance and encouragement for LGBT rights across the world, making the world a far more progressive, accepting and altogether nice place. Meanwhile, Uruguay will get knocked out at the first hurdle.
France: The French will adopt a new technique whereby the combined force of Andre-Pierre Gignac, Yoann Gourcuff, Jeremy Toulalan and Thierry Henry will flounce about with nice haircuts and designer stubble, devastating their opposition with their sheer good looks. This will tie in well with the whole “you are gay” situation encouraged by Uruguay, and will lead to group A being one of the most interesting parts of this year’s World Cup. That’s what France will have to rely on, at least, seeing as they were shite yesterday.
Argentina: Maradona, after snorting four pounds of neighbouring Colombia’s finest before each and every game, will at one point go ‘off his noggin’ – as the medical profession refers to it – and gun down 136 of his own country’s supporters. This will be written off by the press and officials alike as one of fatty’s quirks, and Argentina will go on to get to the World Cup final. Though they probably won’t. Either that or he’ll die of a heart attack during the side’s second group game.
Nigeria: Everyone who has ever played a video game version of football will have high hopes for the Nigerians, seeing as they’re always one of the fastest and stamina-rich of the nations. This will translate to the side being referred to as “athletic” non-stop by pundits, though you would be a fool if you thought this was just a slightly different way for the presenter to say “all black people are really fast and strong”. Nigeria will not win the World Cup.
South Korea: While it’s unsure what will happen to the team, what with them looking surprisingly good against Greece right now (though I could look surprisingly good against Greece), I do know one thing: at least four commentators will be sacked for referring to a Korean player as ‘nippy’. Even if it isn’t the right racial slur to use against Koreans, what does it matter? Crazy racist bastards get the sack. Ron.
Greece: By the time Greece’s third game comes about they will have bored themselves so much with their awful performances that each and every member of the playing and coaching staff will fall into a dull-induced coma. None of them will ever wake up again.
Well, that was fun, wasn’t it?