Tag Archives: press conference

The chances of anything coming from Rhea? One to one, quite possibly.

So if we lookey here we can see that NASA has a press conference arranged for this coming Thursday. In it there will be an announcement, or talk, or mention, or something relating to the search for extraterrestrial life. As in, aliens. As in, creatures from another world. As in, oh jesus crikey I’m shitting myself.

But then normal, rational Ian takes over. What’s the announcement going to be about? I have a few speculative brain-farts I’d like to throw out, and none of them are particularly funny or interesting. No, wait – they’re all really funny and incredibly interesting. Yeah, that’s the way to encourage “web” “traffic”.

You may have seen recently that they – ‘they’ being the space twits at NASA – discovered that Saturn’s moon Rhea had some of that oxygen stuff in its atmosphere, along with some of that carbon dioxide stuff. Now this got tongues wagging – as far as my limited understanding goes, the presence of oxygen and/or carbon dioxide could very well indicate the presence of biological organisms on the planet. It could also mean some specific chemical reactions are being set off that are nothing to do with living things, we don’t know yet. But I would say my bet is on… hmm. I don’t know. I may postulate some more.

My second theory is that it’s nothing at all, and they’re just calling a press conference as it’s something they do quite often. It will be some blokes saying “we had a look, we didn’t find anything. Soz.” There’s actually a fair chance this will happen, actually. Not that I want it to.

My own, personal, third theory that nobody else in the world could ever come up with is presented in picture form:

We’re doomed.

I will be awaiting the announcement with bated breath, however. I’m sceptical it will be anything of real note, but that’s just how I am. While I don’t believe it will be any kind of monumental announcement, that doesn’t mean I’m not hopeful it is. Even if it’s a shitty single-celled organism – it’s a fucking alien species from another planet.

And to think I was stupid enough to write that story about life being found under the frozen surface of Europa. What a fool I was! Ahem. I mean… err… I never wrote that story. I am definitely not a nerd. I really don’t want to watch Star Trek right now. Hmm.

Wow, I’m actually excited. That’s broken my cynicism-rhythm. Don’t let me down, NASA – give us some more things to put in front of fundamentalist theists to see how they explain these away (N.B. this is not the only reason I want them to have found something, it’s just something that popped into my head now).

Squeeeeeeeeee! (That’s probably how the aliens talk, too)

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The Apple press conference prediction script

[Apologies for the formatting – I’m not a professional script writer, hard as it may be to believe]

INT. APPLE PRESS CONFERENCE, 6PM, JULY 16

STEVE JOBS walks onto a large stage in front of an audience numbering around a thousand. He is wearing clothes that make him look like Peter Molyneux’s best friend/a cartoon of a Frenchman. He looks sheepish as he gazes toward the crowd, a slight furrow in his brow betraying how this event is making him feel. He pauses, steels himself and takes a deep breath.

STEVE JOBS: “Ladies and gentlemen, I have gathered you here today to make an announcement. Now, many of you have bought the new iPhone because I told you you wanted one. Unfortunately, we hadn’t bothered to design the thing properly and it didn’t work how it was supposed to.”

The crowd murmurs a little, with a few scattered whoops and one voice from an elderly gentlemen heard to proclaim “I was saying Boo-urns”. The noise settles, JOBS continues:

STEVE JOBS: “As I said, I have an announcement. The announcement is this: you were all wrong. You are all idiots for thinking we could possibly make a mistake. I cannot believe you, you bunch of utter schmos. The fact that you would have the brazen audacity to question Apple – to question me makes my blood boil.”

JOBS begins pacing back and forth across the stage, his voice cracking with anger and the pace of his words increasing the more angry he gets.

STEVE JOBS: “Everything you ever didn’t know you wanted, we have given you. You didn’t want FACESPEAKTALK technology – we gave it to you. You didn’t give two shits about an app that let you simulate drinking beer – we gave the facility for someone to create and distribute that program to you. You thought you wanted a phone with an antennae that worked when you held it left handed – well here’s the rub: you didn’t. And you know why? Because I fucking said so.”

The crowd is staring to get restless, with murmuring making way for the beginning of some full-scale rabble. JOBS’ face darkens.

STEVE JOBS: “SILENCE!”

The crowd ceases its nattering instantly.

STEVE JOBS: “Guards! Bring the prisoner!”

Two GUARDS drag a hooded, bound MAN onto the stage. Judging by his lack of movement or struggle, the MAN is either unconscious, drugged or too exhausted to offer any kind of resistance.

STEVE JOBS: “Now, ladies and gentlemen. Do you remember this man?”

JOBS removes the hood from the MAN, who is revealed to be JASON CHEN.

STEVE JOBS: “Many of you will have seen Chen’s article on Gizmodo where he leaked the iPhone 4 before it was released. Many of you will have had the surprise of its release – and intentionally weird-functioning antennae – ruined by this man. As such it has been decreed by me, Steve Jobs, that Jason Chen will pay the ultimate price for his betrayal of all of you.”

The GUARDS return to the stage, each carrying a rifle. JOBS props CHEN up against the back wall, the guards take aim and fire. CHEN slumps to the floor, dead of guns. The whole process takes less than ten seconds. There is faint, shocked murmuring in the crowd.

STEVE JOBS: “So you see – you are fucking happy with how the antennae works in the iPhone 4. Do you understand me? There will be no recall; no software update; no apologetic gesture on the part of my company for what you fools perceived to be a mistake on my part. We do not make mistakes. People like him [gestures towards CHEN] make mistakes… and you see where they end up.”

The crowd sit in silence, captivated and terrified by every word from JOBS.

STEVE JOBS: “Oh – and we’d like to announce a refurb of the App Store starting from next week! Thanks for coming!”

JOBS leaves the stage and the curtains draw. CHEN’s lifeless body is left showing – a reminder to the slowly-leaving crowd of the power of JOBS.

FADE TO BLACK.

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