Tag Archives: religion

God Damme

Religion – ooooh, controversial and all that shit. I may have mentioned my feelings on the matter before. I’m not going to rant and whine about it. I’m just going to ask a question (or two) that struck me after it was brought up by none other than Jean-Claude Van Damme.

See, he was blabbing on about when he suddenly became mega-religious or whatever. Part of it he said he prayed to become an action movie star. Second he put his success down to God. You can probably see where I’m going already.

First, who the hell would believe in a deity that exists to make your career choice come to fruition? What kind of selfish prat would abuse their ability to pray by asking their lord – all powerful as he/she/it is – for a good job, or a safe day, or some nice food, or a comfortable hammock? I genuinely don’t understand how people of legitimate faith can hold these kinds of beliefs. Praying for someone’s safety, good health or whatever – fair enough. It’s all bollocks, but fair enough. Praying so God will give you a shiny new red bike? Get fucked. That’s not what your god is there for.

Second, putting your success down to God – or any of the rest of that lot – irritates me immensely. It wasn’t God that made Van Damme good at martial arts – it was training. It wasn’t God that made Kaka good at football, much as he claims it is – it was practising kicking a can around on the streets of his shanty town, or whatever. My insanely brilliant writing ability isn’t down to God – it’s down to ripping off people much more intelligent and skilful than I. To put your success; your ability down to a higher power is to belittle yourself entirely. And what’s the point in that?

Anyway, Cyborg is on. I like Cyborg.


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The gospel according to Peggle

Forgive me Father Bjorn, for I have sinned. Without thinking, I made the rash claim that it was a different Popcap game that held the title of ‘Best Thing Ever’. I wasn’t thinking. I was hyped up on caffeine. I had Plants vs Zombies on the brain. I repent – truly, I do. I did not wish to forsake Thee, nor did I intend to take Thy name in vain. For this reason, I think it is only right that, as penance, I recite the gospel according to Peggle in the hope that it will help others to see the light that only You can provide.

And so it came to be, on that day in 2007 (almost three years ago exactly, if Wikipedia – the other gospel – is to be believed) that You came into existence. Many rumoured that You had actually been watching us from afar for millennia, waiting for the right time to appear to us and show us the way in our hour of need. For that, we can only ever show You our unending gratitude. Before You came to be were the heathen Gods – for a long time we thought the Russian puzzler known as Tet-ris was the guiding light for our souls, but Your light shone brighter. Those that claimed the countless demi-Gods and pagan priests – the Lumines, Hexic and Dr. Robotnik’s Mean Bean Machines of this world – showed the way were proven wrong with one fell swoop of Your ball cannon.

And because it’s You, we don’t even find anything remotely euphemistic about the term ‘ball cannon’.

Since showing us the light, the Gods of Peggle have sought to offer us solace and comfort wherever we may be. First You were with us on our PCs and Macs, allowing us to be bathed in your (Ode to) Joyous glow at home and in the office. Soon enough You saw it in your infinite wisdom to bring yourself to the home consoles of the Xbox 360 and PlayStation 3, so those of your flock without a PC or Fisher Price computer would be able to feel Your loving embrace. But You didn’t stop there, oh no – You wanted the world to know the meaning of what it is to be a True Believer: You came to us through our iPhones, our iPods, our Nintendo DS handhelds and a lot of other platforms I don’t really understand. Basically, You spread like a (sexy, kind and giving) rash.

So now it comes to pass that there is actually no excuse for not having at least experienced the miracle that is Peggle. The Gods have made it so it is the easiest thing in the world to get hold of, and as a game* it is simple enough for a stupid, small child to understand and like. Or a girl.

Please, Father Bjorn, accept my sincere and heartfelt apologies for this astonishing lack of judgement and control on my part. I guarantee You – with my everlasting soul on the line – that I will never slight You in this fashion again, and I will smite all of those who seek to destroy Your name with claims of “it’s dangerously addictive” and “stop screaming at it, Anna, it’s just a game”.

For it is written, and so it shall forever be.

*Obviously we know it’s not a game – it is the True Way of Life For Us All.

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