How much of what you were told as a child do you still believe? And how much of that you do still believe will invariably turn out to be bollocks, should you bother checking it? Probably more than you would expect. I still find myself reeling off “facts” to people that I was told in jest by my brother, or incorrectly-sold “truths” from some other sod I bothered listening to. It’s not until repeating these morsels of tasty untruth out loud that I realise how dumb they sound.
“Beans are made from silk!” I will proclaim to all within earshot, before my brain kicks in and I remember it’s actually a composite of hope and pure flavour that makes them so delicious. “Testicular cancer is actually a bona-fide hilarity with no compare!” I will cry from the top of the nearest high-rise (which, from where I’m sitting, is probably New York), or: “horses have knees on their teeth!” Basically, there’s a lot of stored up junk in my brain that I’ve never bothered to – or never thought to – clean out.
It’s an interesting concept, as I consider myself fairly intelligent. This just means that at any given time I could have an utterly ridiculous thought swirling around in my head, waiting to be unleashed on the unsuspecting company I may be keeping. It’s why I’ve had to train myself to shut up most of the time, lest my actual stupidity be revealed to the world at large. Avoiding arguments, discussions, polite discourse – anything that could reveal me as the simpleton I am underneath it all, really.
It’s because of my reasonable expertise in this particular field that I would like to offer a free bit of advice to all of you out there who have heads filled with as much putrid gash as mine is: shut your trap. Clam up the pie-hole. Put a sock in it while sucking an egg. Not only will this mean none of us will ever say anything stupid ever again, but it will also mean I get some fucking peace and quiet for once you awful, awful, loud WANKERS.