Nostalgia is a powerful weapon for many reasons, not least of which the way it conjures up the memory of a feeling. It brings back the emotions, the state of mind you associate with that time, with that place, with the person you were back then. But this isn’t a feeling I was nostalgic for. This isn’t the version of me I want to remember. These aren’t emotions I want to feel.
I can wish the hurt away all I want, but that’s not going to do anything. All I can do is accept what’s done is done and get on with it. It’s not been easy dealing with uncertainty over the last week-and-a-bit, but at least now I know. Knowing is half the battle, after all. And from there, I can move on. Progress. Make decisions. Keep going.
The fact I’m trying to be calculating, logical and constructive cannot and should not hide the fact that I am hurting right now. More than I ever have done. I can dwell on this – and I’m sure I will, especially in my lower (drunker) moments. But that’s not who I want to be and it’s not what I want to do. The person this emotional nostalgia is reminding me of would have stamped their foot and threatened to hold their breath until they died because they couldn’t get their way. I don’t like that guy. I don’t want to be him. And I won’t be him.
So I’m going to do my best to draw a line under this and keep going. I wouldn’t consider it moving on – just keep going. I don’t expect I’ll be easy to get along with (no change there, ho ho) in upcoming days, weeks or even months – just keep going. And while I do still love the person that’s made me feel like this, I’m not stupid enough to think I can change their mind – just keep going.
What the fuck would I do if I stopped, anyway?