Tag Archives: script

DEAD NOW LOL, a film by Ian Dransfield

Here is a scene I have written for a film I will make. I decided to do it while watching Death Race. If that can be made into a film and get Jason Statham involved then there’s hope for any of us. Rather than being the worst thing ever, it’s actually hugely inspiring.

MAIN CHARACTER goes to jail either for a crime he didn’t commit or a crime he did commit but one that you could morally justify. An ironic rape, or something. He is all rugged and shit, but even though he’s clearly a massive twat is burdened with ‘honour’. He gets into some fights in prison, makes friends with a MOTLEY CREW – one of whom is likely a geek like the kind you saw on TV about 30 years ago and has never changed.

MAIN CHARACTER: “Ooooh, I well shouldn’t be in prison like.”

NEFARIOUS UNTRUSTWORTHY BAD CHARACTER: “LOL I’m well going to toy with you for ages before I kill you LOL but I’m going to pretend I’m your friend TROLOLOLOLOLOL.”

MAIN CHARACTER: “All I have is hope, so I will choose to believe you even though I don’t believe you. I will also throw in my own LOL at this point. LOL.”

Out of nowhere, SEXY WOMAN walks in. She has clothes on that she probably shouldn’t be wearing given the situation, and she is also remarkably pretty for a woman who is apparently a mass murderer. It’s always the pretty ones, after all. SEXY WOMAN walks up to the lead character in slow motion and looks at him, all sexy like.

SEXY WOMAN: “Hey, oooh, yeah, umm, *vague sexual comment* *compliment towards lead character’s good looks*”

MAIN CHARACTER: “Gearstick. Bojangles. Euphemism. LOL!”

SEXY WOMAN: “Sassy remark.”

MAIN CHARACTER: “My pride did just get burned, but I believe we will still end up having sex later on and it will definitely make the story better for some reason.”

Suddenly DRIVING happens, with cars and stuff, and the cars are all like VROOM and the tyres are all like SCREEEECH

NEFARIOUS UNTRUSTWORTHY BAD CHARACTER: “LOL you’re going to totally die now LOL didn’t see that coming did you dickhead.”

MAIN CHARACTER: “Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal! Also your sweet burn/ultimate insult.”

MAIN CHARACTER is killed, but two minutes later it turns out he survived being dead because of his biceps being well manly and shit. He walks up to NEFARIOUS UNTRUSTWORTH BAD CHARACTER with a big smile on his face – the kind of smile all people have when they’re about to commit murder because as we all know murder is cool and should be celebrated in all forms.

MAIN CHARACTER: “DEAD NOW LOL!”

NEFARIOUS UNTRUSTWORTH BAD CHARACTER explodes in a shower of pulped yams after MAIN CHARACTER biceps him/her/it to death.

THE END

I genuinely believe this is how Paul WS Anderson writes his scripts.

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A childhood without an ending

How many of you ever actually saw the end to your favourite childhood cartoons? Hands up. Come on now – don’t be shy. And I don’t mean recently, via either Youtube or the craptons of DVD releases – I mean when you were a kid, when you were supposed to be watching them. How many of you saw the ending to a cartoon, or kids show in general, as an actual kid? I honestly can’t think of one time.

I mean, I originally thought that Transformers: The Movie offered some kind of closure and new beginnings (yeah, I’m sure I thought all this aged three, when it came out), but at the beginning of the second series they just brought Optimus Prime back and carried on. It’s a bit of a cop out, as much as I love Optimus. And then, of course, the series has gone on forever in numerous guises and never looks to actually stop or finish anywhere.

What about something else? Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors? I loved that show as a young ‘un, even though I never got any of the toys. Thanks parents. But did I see the ending? Did I fuck. Why? Well, because (according to my good friend Wikipedia) they never actually made one. The series was cancelled because the toys didn’t sell well enough, so in a roundabout way I can actually directly blame my parents for never having seen the end to Jayce’s quest to be reunited with his father. I always thought the ending should be that Saw Boss is his dad, but hey ho.

He-Man? No ending to speak of. Thundercats? Friends told me of an ending, where Lion-O threw Mumm-Ra’s sarcophagus into the fountain of life or something, but I never saw that. Ulysses 31? It had an ending, but I never saw it as a kid. Why? Because the fucking thing was on at about 6am. Even at eight years old this was too early to be getting up. I didn’t even watch the ending when Ben, my old housemate, got the series on DVD. Hmm. M.A.S.K? No idea.

But what prompted this? Well, it turns out one of my most hated series for seemingly never ending actually did have an ending. Dungeons & Dragons was an irritant, Uni was a little prick, the characters were gimps, Dungeon Master was an annoying little shit and the only redeeming thing about it was Venger. I watched so much of it it infuriated me I never got to see an ending – but there was an ending planned and written, just never produced. See?

I have no major point to close on here, nor am I going to tie up any loose ends in this entry. It’s not like these cartoons had an effect on me or anything…

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The Apple press conference prediction script

[Apologies for the formatting – I’m not a professional script writer, hard as it may be to believe]

INT. APPLE PRESS CONFERENCE, 6PM, JULY 16

STEVE JOBS walks onto a large stage in front of an audience numbering around a thousand. He is wearing clothes that make him look like Peter Molyneux’s best friend/a cartoon of a Frenchman. He looks sheepish as he gazes toward the crowd, a slight furrow in his brow betraying how this event is making him feel. He pauses, steels himself and takes a deep breath.

STEVE JOBS: “Ladies and gentlemen, I have gathered you here today to make an announcement. Now, many of you have bought the new iPhone because I told you you wanted one. Unfortunately, we hadn’t bothered to design the thing properly and it didn’t work how it was supposed to.”

The crowd murmurs a little, with a few scattered whoops and one voice from an elderly gentlemen heard to proclaim “I was saying Boo-urns”. The noise settles, JOBS continues:

STEVE JOBS: “As I said, I have an announcement. The announcement is this: you were all wrong. You are all idiots for thinking we could possibly make a mistake. I cannot believe you, you bunch of utter schmos. The fact that you would have the brazen audacity to question Apple – to question me makes my blood boil.”

JOBS begins pacing back and forth across the stage, his voice cracking with anger and the pace of his words increasing the more angry he gets.

STEVE JOBS: “Everything you ever didn’t know you wanted, we have given you. You didn’t want FACESPEAKTALK technology – we gave it to you. You didn’t give two shits about an app that let you simulate drinking beer – we gave the facility for someone to create and distribute that program to you. You thought you wanted a phone with an antennae that worked when you held it left handed – well here’s the rub: you didn’t. And you know why? Because I fucking said so.”

The crowd is staring to get restless, with murmuring making way for the beginning of some full-scale rabble. JOBS’ face darkens.

STEVE JOBS: “SILENCE!”

The crowd ceases its nattering instantly.

STEVE JOBS: “Guards! Bring the prisoner!”

Two GUARDS drag a hooded, bound MAN onto the stage. Judging by his lack of movement or struggle, the MAN is either unconscious, drugged or too exhausted to offer any kind of resistance.

STEVE JOBS: “Now, ladies and gentlemen. Do you remember this man?”

JOBS removes the hood from the MAN, who is revealed to be JASON CHEN.

STEVE JOBS: “Many of you will have seen Chen’s article on Gizmodo where he leaked the iPhone 4 before it was released. Many of you will have had the surprise of its release – and intentionally weird-functioning antennae – ruined by this man. As such it has been decreed by me, Steve Jobs, that Jason Chen will pay the ultimate price for his betrayal of all of you.”

The GUARDS return to the stage, each carrying a rifle. JOBS props CHEN up against the back wall, the guards take aim and fire. CHEN slumps to the floor, dead of guns. The whole process takes less than ten seconds. There is faint, shocked murmuring in the crowd.

STEVE JOBS: “So you see – you are fucking happy with how the antennae works in the iPhone 4. Do you understand me? There will be no recall; no software update; no apologetic gesture on the part of my company for what you fools perceived to be a mistake on my part. We do not make mistakes. People like him [gestures towards CHEN] make mistakes… and you see where they end up.”

The crowd sit in silence, captivated and terrified by every word from JOBS.

STEVE JOBS: “Oh – and we’d like to announce a refurb of the App Store starting from next week! Thanks for coming!”

JOBS leaves the stage and the curtains draw. CHEN’s lifeless body is left showing – a reminder to the slowly-leaving crowd of the power of JOBS.

FADE TO BLACK.

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