I’m never sure if being able to check my bank balance pretty much wherever I am, with the figures usually (almost, but not quite) up to date, is a good thing or not.
Obviously it’s terrible that I have the access, because if I didn’t have the access then I wouldn’t have online banking, and if I didn’t have online banking I wouldn’t have these perceived security threats the banks and newspapers keep telling me about. Without those threats I wouldn’t have to have my bank take precautionary measures on my behalf, and without them having to take these measures I wouldn’t have to have that bloody godawful secure key thing.
So obviously it’s terrible. But that’s not the point I was getting at.
No, I don’t know if it’s good or not knowing up to date details as it makes things go one of two ways. On one hand, knowing how little I have left reminds me to not spend as much, to pay attention to what I have and to economise wherever possible. These are all good, necessary things and that’s all well good and shit, like.
On the other hand, it’s bad. Why? Well, knowing precisely how much I have at any given time means that I know exactly how much I can get away with spending at any one time. Rather than seeing I have £some for the rest of the month and deciding to hold on to as much as possible, I have been known to work out how much of that £some I can get away with spending before the figure reads £notsome.
Double edged sword, and all that. I just wish they’d abandon money, which is why I’m glad those heroic anti-capitalist warriors are taking to the streets and destroying the world of commerce as we know it*.
*Not entirely serious, in case you needed to be told this you humourless fuckwit.
Dear Valued Number On A List,
We are writing to you to inform you of a fantastic mandatory opportunity we are allowing you to exclusively take part in.
As you may be aware, evil criminal scum are focusing their entire, unwavering attention directly at you and your children/dog/television [DELETE AS APPROPRIATE]. You will never escape their gaze and you will never, ever be safe from their criminalistic tendencies, such is their sheer evil tenacity and commitment to nefarious deeds.
So, to help you try and somehow avoid these illegal incursions, because you’ll definitely be targeted – be afraid – we are offering you the chance to have an Irritating Extra Stupid Bloody Step In A Process Creator sent to you. Please note this opportunity is, as mentioned, mandatory.
The IESBSIAPC will allow your once-simple method of logging into your bank account to retrieve its details and see how little money you have for a hacker (who is definitely targeting you and you alone) to steal. The simple device will go in hand with our brand new, streamlined personal security features to make sure you never get that £20 in your account stolen from you. The steps are as follows:
- Choose a new log-in name.
- Choose a new password.
- Enter your log-in and password.
- Re-enter your log-in and password.
- Turn on your IESBSIAPC.
- Press the code creation button to reveal your 734-character security code (different every time).
- Enter 734-character code.
- Re-re-enter your log-in and password.
- Re-renter your 734-character code.
- Send one pint (imperial measurement) to the bank address on your separately-provided address letter.
- To obtain your address letter, you will need to await the arrival of your IESBSIAPC MKII, which will be with you some time in the next four years.
- Re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-enter everything you’ve already entered a dozen times.
We thank you for your time and we will accept any and all donations you wish to send us as thanks for our wonderful efforts in making your life “easier” and making sure your money is “safer”.