Self-help makes me want to die. Help.

I think it’s a fine coincidence that just two days after reading this article (and I use that term in the loosest possible sense) I have finally started watching Mad Men. They’re both about a world that I do very much despise, but one of them is at least – from what I’ve seen – entertaining. And it’s not that Yahoo story. Good god it’s not that Yahoo story.

Just look at it. If you haven’t already, actually read it. Take it in. Sniff up that wordy goodness and let it fill your soul. The reason I say that is because you probably have a soul, so you might as well take advantage of the fact. This is, of course, in direct contrast to both the people who dish out that “advice” and those that take it – none of them have anything even approaching a soul. They have an empty husk. A person-shaped trashcan full of nothing but blind ambition and an absolute lack of basic humanity.

In fairness, if you’re on the side that takes this advice you can at least claim ignorance, stupidity or a complete lack of self confidence. But the people who write books with these titles: “The Personal Credibility Factor: How to Get It, Keep It, and Get It Back (If You’ve Lost It)” and “Effective Immediately: How to Fit In, Stand Out, and Move Up at Your First Real Job”… they aren’t people, technically. They are hacks of an astonishingly contemptuous fashion, built – seemingly – to test the patience of right-minded folks like myself.

Still, this rant is completely aimless (while tinged with jealousy at the fact they sell this shit and make money from it), and it won’t go anywhere unless I close it off with something simple and attempting (and failing, natch) to be funny. Here we go – my suggestions for the books I will write:

How To Not Be A Prick

Demystifying Mystery: Why You Shouldn’t Perform Magic Tricks At Work

Basic Human Decency: It Works, You Snivelling Little Shit Of A Person

How To Get Ahead: Visit A Nefarious Undertaker

Book Title 2: Book Title In Space

That should about do it. I’ll have made my first million by the time the year is out.