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Seven reasons Star Wars is actually rubbish

Did you think Star Wars was great? Sorry to break it to you, but it’s actually a big pile of pump. Not the prequel trilogy, not the original films, not the Holiday Special, the Clone Wars series, the dozens of video games or even the toys. All of it. Every single last bit of anything to do with Star Wars is a load of dump-o, and it all comes down to these seven simple to understand reasons. Read and be enlightened, chaps and chapettes.

One massive story/scripting lie: Watch Return of the Jedi. See the part where the A-Wing crashes into the bridge of the Executor, causing it to crash into the Death Star II (killing, presumably, thousands)? That was a bizarre accident, as a result of the A-Wing being damaged and the pilot unable to control it, right? Wrong. According to the real, actual, genuine story, the pilot – Arvel Crynyd – crashed his space boat into the bigger space boat on purpose. It was a suicide dive. I don’t find that hard to believe, I just think it’s bullshit revisionist history concocted to give a crap pilot a grander story to take away from the fact that he was incompetent and got shot down. I don’t give two plops what’s in the script.

AT-ATs are modelled on dogs: Or camels, or horses, or cows – whatever it is they’re modelled on, it’s stupid. Model them on a massive fucking tank that can fuck shit up. Not after your favourite pet. How those designs were approved by the Emperor – which I’d assume all such huge decisions are – I do not know. Maybe Palpatine had a Labrador he loved dearly as a kid and used the design to remember his pooch in the only way he thought viable.

C3PO: This isn’t the fault of three-pee-oh himself – it’s how he was programmed. It’s just the fact that he was programmed by the most evil man in the universe and he still ended up being a hilarious pastiche of all gay men ever. An absolute coward, a pedant, a Negative Nancy, an eternal pessimist and an arrogant sonofabitch, how he does anything bar bring the whole Star Wars mythology down I do not know.

Han Solo is a racist: this one popped up as a suggestion from Anna, actually. Han speaks a variety of alien languages – we regularly see him chatting with Chewbacca, he has a natter with Greedo (before not shooting first) and his exchanges with Jabba The Hutt are always captivating. Especially when the former treads on the latter’s tail. But in all of these conversations, Han refuses to speak in the alien’s native tongue, instead sticking resolutely to Galactic Standard (“English”). This is clearly rude, and the only explanation can be that Han Solo is a massive racist. He does keep Chewie as a slave, after all.

Super Empire Strikes Back is too hard: Seriously. I just tried playing it after a break of about ten years. I remember now why I never got past about the third level. Fuck you, hard SNES games.

Lightsabers don’t exist: It honestly makes me sad.

General Rieekan’s uniform: He wears Strepsils. The man is clearly a lunatic, and not a General as he claims. If this had been noticed earlier, as it should have been, the man would not have been allowed to have any authority over the hundreds (or thousands) of rebels located in Echo Base. An evacuation order from someone you believe to be in charge is one thing, but when a man who chooses to wear a brand of throat lozenges tells you to abandon your snowy bunker it carries less gravitas.

And this is without even going into the myriad things that come up on things like the Family Star Wars’s’s’ (which is shit, but for very different (real) reasons) and Kevin Smith films, like how Lando steals Han’s clothes, or how thousands of independent contractors died on the second Death Star.

Safe to say: Star Wars is shit. You have been told.

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Battlestar Galactica: the late appraisal

This is about Battlestar Galactica so if you have no interest in the show, stop reading. If you have interest in the show but haven’t watched it all the way through, stop reading. If I don’t like you, stop reading. If you have no interest in the show and don’t care if I ruin it, but also strangely want to read my opinions on something I should have finished watching last year, you may carry on reading. If you have interest in and have watched all of the show, you may carry on reading. This probably means about one of the usual 30 will continue to read this. I’m going to avoid spoilers as much as possible solely because I know Anna will read this and she’s a lunatic who wants to know how things end before she’s even started them (and I will make you watch Battlestar one day, woman).

Right. I finished the final season of Battlestar Galactica today. I’ve got the familiar feeling that comes when you reach the end of a series you really did like quite a lot, and this is exacerbated by the fact that thinking ‘when did I watch that series?’ is usually answered with a different year, when I lived in a different city. I’ve been watching this show for about half a decade. It’s ridiculous.

On one hand, I love it. On the other: the ending. Jesus. Almost literally. What were they thinking? Or not, for that matter. It wasn’t the worst thing I’ve ever seen, it was just such a ridiculous jump to accept that after all that – the mini-series, four real series, the Razor special – it finished with some bona-fide deus ex machina. Dozens of hours of my life, some wonderful characters and some of the best, most entertaining television I’ve seen is sent off with a half-baked catch-all explanation. Is that the best they could do? Come on. A programme that examined what drives someone to carry out suicide bombings – to the point that you not only sympathised with, but supported these means – can’t even finish on something better than some contrived nonsense?

I don’t hate the ending – I never could, as Battlestar is such a good series overall. But they were really pushing their luck with that sudden splatter of daftness all over my screen. Poor show, kids.

Right, got to find a new series to watch now.

(next week I’ll be coming up with more blog-based internet-opinions on other things that nobody has been talking about for a year. Well contemporary, me.)

(also, I seem to have put my head on Colonel Tigh without thinking about it. Read into that what you will)

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