Tag Archives: staring

The ol’ walk-n-stumble-when-someone’s-looking

I’ve noticed in recent weeks that my ability to walk when I know someone is looking in the direction I am in – not necessarily at me, but in my direction – is failing. It’s always been pretty poor, as I’m sure it is with other people. You walk past a group of people, you start having weird kinks in your step. You see an attractive young lady walking towards you on the pavement, suddenly you lurch to one side as if you’re a startled rapist (you’re not. Usually). You know there’s someone walking behind you, you start with the Ministry Of Silly Walks routine even though you didn’t mean to.

But recently it seems to have become worse. Some would say it’s down to the fact I’m more self-conscious than I have been in a while, with my confidence at an all-time low, my life in a bit of a rut and my prospects not looking like being much beyond poverty in Bournemouth for the foreseeable future. All this leads to overanalysing a situation when somebody is looking at me and hence walking like a weird twat.

Some would say that. I wouldn’t. I’d say it’s because I’m such a renegade – such a total rebel – that I don’t see the need to subscribe to your pathetic notions of what a ‘normal’ walk is. You see a stumbling oaf who bends his legs in a fashion that can’t be entirely natural, I see a New Way. You see someone who seems to be admonishing himself out loud for stumbling a bit while looking squarely at the floor, I see someone who doesn’t need the ability to not trip up over a flat pavement and who also likes talking to himself. Aloud. In public.

Hmm. Is this fooling anybody?

I stumbled over a pine cone today. In fairness, the girl that caused this was very attractive, and I’m pretty sure she smirked at it. It may have been a “ha ha what a goit” laugh, but it was still a laugh. They all count.

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The law is hilarious

Picture the scene: you’re a bit of a dimwit (by all (one) accounts) and have been done for warring with your neighbours. You have done the classic Hal manoeuvre from Malcolm in the Middle of putting down your own home-made speed bumps, in order to slow down your speeding neighbour. You have also been involved in a bit of fisticuffs with the very same neighbour. So it comes as no surprise that you are slapped with the Queen’s favourite crime deterrent – an ASBO.

But this isn’t any anti-social behaviour order – no, this ASBO is filled with magical pixie dust that makes it able to stop you from doing some truly heinous things. This is an ASBO preventing you from ‘staring at people’. It stops you from ‘engaging in slow hand claps at the actions of others’. It denies you your god-given right to ‘wave objects at people’ or ‘adopt a menacing stance at anyone’. Most importantly of all, though, this ASBO makes it illegal under the terms of the order for you to ‘laugh at anyone’ within your local council’s jurisdiction area.

You have been legally banned from staring, clapping, waving, standing in certain ways and laughing. LAUGHING. You have become another victim of the system, which seeks to hunt down and ban anything and everything that could ever be seen as offensive or insulting towards another person. No longer can you engage in staring competitions with people, sarcastically clap as your friend messes up the most basic of actions or laugh at the very same friend when he follows up his lack of ability with a basic lack of motor functions. You didn’t even fight the law, but the law won.

On one hand, I find this scenario incredibly frightening. I’m not one to shout from the rooftops of ‘political correctness gone mad’ (as I happen to like treating people fairly and eliminating racial epithets from everyday use – call me old fashioned) nor do I honestly fear the increasing control exerted by the state (concerned, yes – fear? No). On the other hand, this is one of the most downright silly and utterly pointless wastes of time imaginable.

As silly as this all may be, for all I know the guy could be a bit of a mentalist, hence the order. He might not be, though, and instead could just be the victim of some batshit insane magistrate’s handing this nonsense out.

Oh, did I forget to mention this is all real?

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