Tag Archives: steve jobs

The Apple press conference prediction script

[Apologies for the formatting – I’m not a professional script writer, hard as it may be to believe]


STEVE JOBS walks onto a large stage in front of an audience numbering around a thousand. He is wearing clothes that make him look like Peter Molyneux’s best friend/a cartoon of a Frenchman. He looks sheepish as he gazes toward the crowd, a slight furrow in his brow betraying how this event is making him feel. He pauses, steels himself and takes a deep breath.

STEVE JOBS: “Ladies and gentlemen, I have gathered you here today to make an announcement. Now, many of you have bought the new iPhone because I told you you wanted one. Unfortunately, we hadn’t bothered to design the thing properly and it didn’t work how it was supposed to.”

The crowd murmurs a little, with a few scattered whoops and one voice from an elderly gentlemen heard to proclaim “I was saying Boo-urns”. The noise settles, JOBS continues:

STEVE JOBS: “As I said, I have an announcement. The announcement is this: you were all wrong. You are all idiots for thinking we could possibly make a mistake. I cannot believe you, you bunch of utter schmos. The fact that you would have the brazen audacity to question Apple – to question me makes my blood boil.”

JOBS begins pacing back and forth across the stage, his voice cracking with anger and the pace of his words increasing the more angry he gets.

STEVE JOBS: “Everything you ever didn’t know you wanted, we have given you. You didn’t want FACESPEAKTALK technology – we gave it to you. You didn’t give two shits about an app that let you simulate drinking beer – we gave the facility for someone to create and distribute that program to you. You thought you wanted a phone with an antennae that worked when you held it left handed – well here’s the rub: you didn’t. And you know why? Because I fucking said so.”

The crowd is staring to get restless, with murmuring making way for the beginning of some full-scale rabble. JOBS’ face darkens.


The crowd ceases its nattering instantly.

STEVE JOBS: “Guards! Bring the prisoner!”

Two GUARDS drag a hooded, bound MAN onto the stage. Judging by his lack of movement or struggle, the MAN is either unconscious, drugged or too exhausted to offer any kind of resistance.

STEVE JOBS: “Now, ladies and gentlemen. Do you remember this man?”

JOBS removes the hood from the MAN, who is revealed to be JASON CHEN.

STEVE JOBS: “Many of you will have seen Chen’s article on Gizmodo where he leaked the iPhone 4 before it was released. Many of you will have had the surprise of its release – and intentionally weird-functioning antennae – ruined by this man. As such it has been decreed by me, Steve Jobs, that Jason Chen will pay the ultimate price for his betrayal of all of you.”

The GUARDS return to the stage, each carrying a rifle. JOBS props CHEN up against the back wall, the guards take aim and fire. CHEN slumps to the floor, dead of guns. The whole process takes less than ten seconds. There is faint, shocked murmuring in the crowd.

STEVE JOBS: “So you see – you are fucking happy with how the antennae works in the iPhone 4. Do you understand me? There will be no recall; no software update; no apologetic gesture on the part of my company for what you fools perceived to be a mistake on my part. We do not make mistakes. People like him [gestures towards CHEN] make mistakes… and you see where they end up.”

The crowd sit in silence, captivated and terrified by every word from JOBS.

STEVE JOBS: “Oh – and we’d like to announce a refurb of the App Store starting from next week! Thanks for coming!”

JOBS leaves the stage and the curtains draw. CHEN’s lifeless body is left showing – a reminder to the slowly-leaving crowd of the power of JOBS.


1 Comment

Filed under Prattle