Tag Archives: stop whining

Everything’s funny or nothing’s funny

I just caught the end of a show on BBC Four – Frost On Satire, or something – where David Frost interviewed a load of contemporary US and UK comedians about the art of taking the  piss professionally.

First of all, this is part of the reason why BBC Four is brilliant. Yes, comedy exists on other channels, but I can’t think of many that would show a rather dry discussion on the point of, the history of, the thinking behind one form of comedy. It’s easier just to show Forty Pints Of Ale And Some Pork Scratchings’s 98th series.

So well done there, that channel.

Secondly, it raised some interesting points that… well, I already thought them. And believed them. And had repeated them myself in the past. But it’s nice to have some well-known professionals basically say the same thing, if only for my diminutive ego to get some semblance of a boost for being ‘right’.

There is no line. There is no ‘too far’. There is unfunny. There is offensive with no justification or reason. There is just plain bad. But there’s never a too far. Everything – every single topic that has ever or will ever exist can be made to be humorous. It just can. Yes, even that. Adding a laugh at the end of something where a horrible topic is mentioned doesn’t mean you’re laughing at that thing – not necessarily – and just because you know somebody who died in a plane crash doesn’t mean jokes can’t be made about plane crashes.

I actually hate that complaint. “I know someone who *insert thing here*”. So what? Millions of people have. I probably have. If I haven’t, I might do in future. I’d still fucking make jokes about the subject. What’s the point of not? Either everything’s funny or nothing’s funny.

I’ve lost my point somewhere here and gone into mildly ranty territory, but thems the moods you find me in sometimes. Mainly because one complaint outweighs half a dozen compliments, apparently.

(Literally while I was writing this I got a Facebook thingy off my Mum saying my cat (that I haven’t owned or seen in about seven years) had died. STOP MAKING JOKES ABOUT DEAD CATS.)

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WARNING: this blog contains this warning. Readers of a sensitive disposition should bugger off.

I made myself so annoyed while writing this that the structure is all over the place. YEAH FOR FLOW. Not that I care about these things…

I dislike some things – I know it’s hard to believe, but I do. But there are only a few select things out there that instantly make my blood boil. That get me furious. Last night, watching South Park on channel Viva at about 11.30pm, I was made insta-furious.

“Warning: the following show contains adult humour and may offend some viewers.”

You know what I find offensive? The fact that you have to point out I might be about to be offended, in order to cover your own backs when it comes to people making complaints. We’ll ignore the argument it might be done intentionally to give the show more of an edge than it actually has (Viva isn’t exactly a channel made for 27-year-olds).

As I’m sure you’re all aware, this pops up all over the place on any and every channel. Warnings of flashing lights and strobe effects I can understand – you don’t want everyone with epilepsy having a fit while watching a documentary on… umm… strobe lights.

But for you to deign something as ‘possibly offensive’ and so requiring a warning is actually more offensive than the material itself.

“Oh, there’s a joke in it that isn’t about how funny it is that people sometimes walk differently or that while people are fundamentally similar there are irrelevant little differences to highlight, point out and laugh about? I AM OFFENDED.”

Get over yourself. I’m not saying there are no times to be offended by things, though there are far less times to be offended at comedy then there are anything else, but you and you alone are not the sole arbiter of taste for the whole country. Fucking nanny state bullshit.

This is without even getting into being warned about swearing on a post-watershed show. I yearn for the day logic and good sense makes a comeback (he says as if it ever existed). Maybe we could import some from better countries, like anywhere on the continent or the rest of the world, including places like Zimbabwe, Afghanistan and even – at a push – Switzerland. Ahem.

I can’t even completely blame TV people for this. They wouldn’t feel the need to put these warnings on if terrible wastes of skin didn’t exist who seem to make it their life’s work to bitch, moan and write letters including bitchy moaning.

“Dear Sir, I was offended…” well I wasn’t, so shut the fuck up and watch something else.

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It today took me about five hours to write less than 1,000 words. The time it took me to complete what would normally be an extremely simple task should not be used as an indication of increased quality. Mainly because what it actually means in this case is that it’s a Big Pile Of Shit. Maybe.

Actually, it’s probably alright. Just a war of attrition with words. But the fact that happens every now and then makes me question my ability. Again. As always. Surely if I’m a consummate pro who gets complimented by people for “being able” to write I should be able to do this, whenever I want, all the time?

I know it’s completely irrational. Nobody’s on form all the time. But shut up, because you’re not in my brain and I am and I feel like being a bit like whining a bit. Again. As always.

And seeing as I now can’t think of anything else to write, and seeing as the entire topic of this blog isn’t actually a topic worth writing about, I think I’m going to leave it at that and go to bed. Hopefully my brain will work again tomorrow. I genuinely have no idea what could have caused my brain to cease functioning this weekend.

No siree. No idea at all.

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Weight loss: piss easy, apparently

I am now to allow myself a spot of arrogance. It is a window of opportunity that will probably remain quite small, so I have to take the chance when I can get it. As some of you may know from my ceaseless bleating, I have lost quite a bit of weight recently. In fact, I’ve dropped over two stone in two and a bit months. Like I said – I’m allowing myself some arrogance.

What I’m getting at is that I can now be a terrible twat to people who struggle to lose weight, because I have lost a fair amount of poundage and it hasn’t been difficult at all. It took a while and I had to remain committed to a routine, but it wasn’t what I would consider difficult. That seems to be a common complaint – ‘it’s too hard’.

No, it isn’t. You just stop eating shit. You exercise. When somebody asks if you want five more pies, you politely decline the five more pies. Stop it with the cake. When it’s time to exercise, you do the exercise instead of going for a pie filled with cake. I’m well aware how rich and self-righteous this is coming from someone who only just bothered paying attention to their weight, but like I said – I’m allowing myself arrogant time.

I can actually remain like this once the pounds pile back on, though then I’m more likely to be joining in with the crowd who crow on about not being able to keep the weight off. That’s definitely fair and absolutely not hypocritical.

Anyway, yeah – I’m great, you all suck. Stop making excuses and actually make an effort, I’m well good me etc etc etc.

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