Tag Archives: stupid

Ian’s new rant, in DLC-minor

I’m a fan of pies, so I went and bought a pie the other day. When I got it home I popped it in the oven and baked it for while – it was already cooked, I just wanted to heat it through. After 10 minutes under the heat I removed it and went to tuck in to my delicious treat. Imagine my surprise when I found that it didn’t actually have any filling in it!

I returned to the pie merchant to find out what was wrong, only to be told I had only bought the basic pie package. Filling would cost an extra pound, and DLC (DeLicious Crust) would be 50p. Needless to say, I was a little surprised.

To get over the pie incident, I decided on a trip to the cinema. I purchased a ticket at the listed rate, not attempting to get a student discount like I sometimes do. I bought myself some popcorn, entered the screening room and took my seat. Strangely, when the film started it had no sound – I approached a member of staff to inform them of the issue, only to be informed sound cost an extra £1.25 – a “nominal” fee, according to the cinema gibbon.

Obviously, I didn’t pay and instead took my popcorn for a walk around town. I should have noticed I wasn’t asked “sweet or salted”, as it was obviously neither. A quick check revealed it’s 35p extra for flavour.

My day wasn’t going too well, so I decided to go home. I happened to have a few grand on me, so bought a car to ferry me home. I sat in the newmobile, started her up and pressed my foot to the floor. Literally, I pressed my foot to the floor. “Oh, does sir require pedals? You should have said! We could have thrown them in at an attractive rate. Unfortunately now we’ll have to charge you full price.” I ended up pushing the car home.

When home, I decided to watch a DVD. It came with none of the extras mentioned on the box, as I hadn’t paid the “nominal” fees for those additional bits. So I listened to an album, which didn’t have any of the bonus tracks because they were 59p extra each.

Does this sound ridiculous? Well I can guarantee you it won’t if you’re a gamer. Why? Well, because publishers are increasingly attempting to sell us half a game and make us pay extra to unlock features that should fucking well be there from the start. The most recent example is the new MX title from THQ. Sure, motocross isn’t a genre I have any interest in, but it’s another thing I can see permeating through to other areas and it’s starting to piss me off. Basically they’re releasing it a bit cheaper than normal, then releasing tracks, racers and whatever else as extras later on. For a price, naturally.

I call bullshit on that. I guarantee you there will be more missing features from the game than would make sense for the price drop. “If a person wants to spend a $100 on a game then they can do that,” they say. “Fuck you,” I say, “I want to pay a normal price to get a full game. I am not a cow, I don’t have udders – stop trying to milk me dry,” I hilariously add. Full price, full game. Not ‘bit cheaper initially, but more expensive to actually get a full game’.

We’re not buying popcorn without any topping. We’re not buying picture and no sound at the cinema. We’re not buying empty pies. So why the hell are we expected to buy racing games without tracks, fighting games without characters or second-hand games without any online features whatsoever?

I want publishers to make money – money means they get to continue putting out games. But this is the wrong way to go about it. Just like it’s wrong to criminalise the people who buy your games second-hand, it’s wrong to short-change your public by selling them a pup. Except the pup has no legs, because they’re £30 extra. Each.

Fuck that shit.

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The time I was on TV (aka: easy blog entries)

I, like I assume many of you lot, sometimes enjoy rooting through my Facebook profile to look at old photos, stupid stuff on my info page and, probably best of all, my videos. Your best bit might not be the video section, but then you don’t have this in yours:

I have never watched it. Well, I have watched it, in part and without sound, in order to edit it down to a shorter length for my NCTJ course. I haven’t watched it properly at all though. Why? Well, I don’t want to hear myself say “stunt twins”, nor do I want to hear that thing about “brands” of carpet, whatever the hell that means. And I certainly don’t want to look at my stupid, shiny face with insane eyebrows.

But hey, it amuses me that this exists, so I thought I’d post it here for the benefit of those who haven’t seen it before. And for the benefit of me, so I don’t have to do a proper blog entry today.

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The law is hilarious

Picture the scene: you’re a bit of a dimwit (by all (one) accounts) and have been done for warring with your neighbours. You have done the classic Hal manoeuvre from Malcolm in the Middle of putting down your own home-made speed bumps, in order to slow down your speeding neighbour. You have also been involved in a bit of fisticuffs with the very same neighbour. So it comes as no surprise that you are slapped with the Queen’s favourite crime deterrent – an ASBO.

But this isn’t any anti-social behaviour order – no, this ASBO is filled with magical pixie dust that makes it able to stop you from doing some truly heinous things. This is an ASBO preventing you from ‘staring at people’. It stops you from ‘engaging in slow hand claps at the actions of others’. It denies you your god-given right to ‘wave objects at people’ or ‘adopt a menacing stance at anyone’. Most importantly of all, though, this ASBO makes it illegal under the terms of the order for you to ‘laugh at anyone’ within your local council’s jurisdiction area.

You have been legally banned from staring, clapping, waving, standing in certain ways and laughing. LAUGHING. You have become another victim of the system, which seeks to hunt down and ban anything and everything that could ever be seen as offensive or insulting towards another person. No longer can you engage in staring competitions with people, sarcastically clap as your friend messes up the most basic of actions or laugh at the very same friend when he follows up his lack of ability with a basic lack of motor functions. You didn’t even fight the law, but the law won.

On one hand, I find this scenario incredibly frightening. I’m not one to shout from the rooftops of ‘political correctness gone mad’ (as I happen to like treating people fairly and eliminating racial epithets from everyday use – call me old fashioned) nor do I honestly fear the increasing control exerted by the state (concerned, yes – fear? No). On the other hand, this is one of the most downright silly and utterly pointless wastes of time imaginable.

As silly as this all may be, for all I know the guy could be a bit of a mentalist, hence the order. He might not be, though, and instead could just be the victim of some batshit insane magistrate’s handing this nonsense out.

Oh, did I forget to mention this is all real?

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My dog was better than your dog

I have a dead dog. She did a dead just before Christmas 2003, meaning I can quote another dead family member in my Granddad and say “what a Christmas!” Though the thing there is he was writing on a piece of his bomber he had kept after hacking his way out of it, as it had just crashed during the Second World War (that’s an odd sentence – it didn’t crash during the entirety of WWII, as that would be a ridiculously long crash. You get the point. Shut up). So anyway, the point there was it’s not really comparable.

My reason for saying it is clearly more necessary. Obviously.

Anyway, my dog was called Krissy, and was a cross-breed between a something and a something else. We never actually knew. She was a fat bastard, and while she often claimed it was a genetic thing it was actually because – quite literally – the only food she didn’t eat was lettuce. In fact, she ate much more than just food, what with her being a dog and all. Nature’s scrubbers. I think horse shit was something of a delicacy to the little wanker.

People often claim dogs are intelligent, as they can recognise commands, use phones, build Hadron Colliders and other such nonsense. Well, I think my dog must have been retarded. We used to take her for walks in Creighton Woods in the town where I grew up – on one such walk we encountered an abandoned den clearly made by some local kids/vagabonds. In the middle of the discarded paraphernalia was a decent-sized section of what I can only describe as rigging (think pirate ships if you don’t know what I’m on about) on the floor. Now, my dog was inquisitive – she probably thought there were pies somewhere around – so she trotted around looking for something to gorge on. No sooner had she began the food quest that she found herself tangled by the legs in this rigging (think pirate ships if you don’t know what I’m on about) with a dumbfounded look on her face. If dogs are capable of looking dumbfounded. A swift lifted rescue occurred, obviously needing four men to carry the chunky bugger, and we set off to explore more of the verdant surroundings.

Not five minutes later, the dog was missing. A bit of a look around and a few calls of her name later we found her, back tangled in the rigging (think pirate ships if you don’t know what I’m on about) with a thoroughly perplexed look on her face. This happened an additional two times before she finally learned to stop getting caught in the rigging (think pirate ships if you don’t know what I’m on about) with a stupefied look on her face, as it really annoyed us. Later that same day she dug up a cat that was buried in a vertical-facing death-pose (think pirate shi… oh wait). Seriously – the thing was buried vertically and when she pulled it out of the ground it looked like the thing was jumping straight up, out of the gates of hell.

This is why dogs are amazing, yes, but it’s why my dog was better than every other dog in the world. That’s not even mentioning the time she decided that the stick she would pick up – while my brother and I were walking on a path just wide enough for the both of us – would be a whole branch. Then she decided to gallop down the path from behind us, past us. That dog was a complete, total and utter remmer of the highest order. She was also utterly hilarious and an absolute joy from the day we got her to the day she decided to stop functioning as a living being. VERDICT: 10/10

I have no idea why this came about. I suppose it’s the risk you take when you say you’ll write something every day. I saw someone with a dog earlier, it gets me reminiscing. Yes, it’s about as dull as listening to someone recount their dreams, but SHUT UP.

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