Tag Archives: summer

Beer me; I offer services

It seems as of yesterday afternoon it officially became summer around here.

See, Bournemouth has this crafty way of making you forget it’s actually really nice in the middle of the year. It’s often sunny – a lot more so than in my previous homes of the north, annoyingly – and parts that aren’t Boscombe or most of the centre are actually (whisper it) nice.

But that matters for little, because it’s sunny. And what does sunny mean? It means I want to drink delicious chilled beers. But I am poor, as I may have pointed out to one or two of you four billion times and you have my apologies if the fact I can’t live a normal life thanks to a lack of monetary support somehow annoys you but FUCK OFF. Ahem.

Anyway, to counter this I have decided to offer some services in exchange for different amounts of beer. Feel free to take me up on them.

For one (1) bottle of beer (of my choice), I will write a nice letter to you telling you how great you and how everyone thinks you’re super-rad, even if it’s all a massive lie (which it will be).

For two (2) bottles of beer (of my choice), I will send you a code for guest access to Diablo 3, allowing you to play the game up to the point you take on the Skeleton King. Also, as a bonus, the code has already been used.

For six (6) bottles of beer (of my choice), I will read over your CV for you and laugh at all the stupid mistakes and idiotic shit you’ve put in it.

For one (1) crate of beer (of my choice), I will send you a flirty message to your OKCupid account, which will make you feel better about yourself and less like you’re a pathetic ball of snot that nobody in their right mind would ever even consider going near, nevermind actually want to go out with you horrible, terrible piece of shit why don’t you just die. Yeah, it’ll make you not feel like that.

For two (2) crates of beer (of my choice), I will do you a really good drawing of a bear. And by ‘good’ I mean ‘good by my standards’ and if you judge said standards to be poor then you are a wrong idiot.

I am open to other suggestions, too. My choices of beer will likely be of the BrewDog variety, Sierra Nevada Pale Ale, Sam Adams Boston Lager and maybe some others I can’t think of right now. Not Carling.

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Lovin’ summer

Summer has been held back in my mind by the encroachment of hay fever on its territory. It came in like a marauding bastard to piss about with the season of sunshine’s shitty little hill* and make what should be brilliant rubbish.

As a result I grew embittered  towards summer. I began to get annoyed with it. Snap at it. Be cranky in its general direction. It wasn’t genuine dislike, it was just guilt by association. And I was unfair towards it – I knew I was – but I didn’t let the season off the hook.

But now, thanks to that that I gone done pointed out earlier about the fever of hay not hitting as hard (so far), I think I might be warming HA HA HA to the idea of the summer. This year I might be able to enjoy it for what it is.

And I’m already thinking clearer on the matter, before the season has even hit. Why’s that? Well, because I like my shorts and I’ve been rocking them for the last few days. And as we all know, rocking shorts makes you and everything you do awesome. Mine make it even awesomer. Why’s that that? Because I look like a 17-year-old in 1996, naturally.

Through the combination of less horrible allergyness, rockin’ rock shorts from the past (I’m 28) and the decision I made earlier to go to the beach more this year (I’ll fail at that one), summer might just get itself a higher billing in my mindtank.

*I have Falling Down on the brain.

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Summer summer summer time… ish

I would complain that the sky has decided to do that thing it always does in Bournemouth where it defies all reasonable logic of seasons and goes ‘well warm’, but there’s no point.

See, while the idiots (“people” you might call them) are out in force, socialising and wearing shorts and not putting even flimsy hoodies on and having barbeques and abusing the beach facilities and generally pretending it’s summer out there when it’s not, I’m not that stupid.

See, it’s only about 15 degrees out there. That’s not even hot enough to bake a cake on the ground outside. You may think it’s ‘nice’ and ‘worth going to the beach for’ but you’re wrong, because lots of people will have thought that and do you know what lots of people lead to? Crowds. You know what’s rubbish? Crowds. I have many more reasons you’re stupid and wrong and shouldn’t go out, but I’ll leave them for now.

Sure, some could say this is the embittered deflection technique of a man who has, through his own choice admittedly, been forced into staying indoors all day so that he can get work that needs to be done done. And sure, he might actually not mind it that much because once the work’s done he can play Mass Effect 3 and who cares about talking to real people when you can take Crispy Shepard flying around the galaxy huh?

And yes, this same person might have shot some jealous glances at the ‘youngsters’ gallivanting around in their summery clothes pretending they actually like each other and are going to have fun and… oh.

I don’t even want to go outside and play. I’m just mildly irked because I feel I have to stay inside. That’s a metaphor for the right to live free, or something, right there.

And now I have it in my head all the Daily Mailbots claiming prisons aren’t punishments and are easy and fun and it’s definitely not horrible to have your freedom taken away from you and… sigh. Back to work.

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What’s with the weather? I’LL TELL YOU WHAT

Looks like we’re going to have to redo the seasons then, seeing as Weather has decided it’s not going to play by the rules anymore. Rather than being annoyed, like a lot of people seem to be, I have nothing but respect for Weather’s blatant disregard for societal norms and what would be considered ‘acceptable’ behaviour.

After all, Weather had got itself into a rut over the last however many centuries we’ve been paying attention to it. Never mind us getting used to it – taking it for granted – Weather itself must have been bored of the routine. When you’ve got fat, bespectacled, nerdy men on TV easily and correctly predicted what you’re going to do tomorrow.. it’s embarrassing, frankly.

Fortunately Weather has more credibility than that and has decided to fuck with the heads of those that expect the most from it. It took a while to pluck up the courage, true, but I like to think maybe Weather was just using its off time – you know, when it’s overcast (so most of the time in the UK, ho ho) –to make some in-depth and cunning plans.

And now those plans are coming to fruition. We expect Weather to be nice and not kill us all, but instead Weather decided to just go against that whole thing and blow people through walls and stuff (note: I’m not sure if that actually happened, but hey).

Then it decided that the end of September, when it’s autumnal and approaching the winter (WINTER IS COMING HA HA HA I LIKE REDDIT) that it would actually pull the greatest swerve of all time and provide us with the summer it completely ‘forgot’ to give us at the normal time in the year.

Either that or we’re all going to die of Instant Onset Climate Change.

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