Tag Archives: swearing

WARNING: this blog contains this warning. Readers of a sensitive disposition should bugger off.

I made myself so annoyed while writing this that the structure is all over the place. YEAH FOR FLOW. Not that I care about these things…

I dislike some things – I know it’s hard to believe, but I do. But there are only a few select things out there that instantly make my blood boil. That get me furious. Last night, watching South Park on channel Viva at about 11.30pm, I was made insta-furious.

“Warning: the following show contains adult humour and may offend some viewers.”

You know what I find offensive? The fact that you have to point out I might be about to be offended, in order to cover your own backs when it comes to people making complaints. We’ll ignore the argument it might be done intentionally to give the show more of an edge than it actually has (Viva isn’t exactly a channel made for 27-year-olds).

As I’m sure you’re all aware, this pops up all over the place on any and every channel. Warnings of flashing lights and strobe effects I can understand – you don’t want everyone with epilepsy having a fit while watching a documentary on… umm… strobe lights.

But for you to deign something as ‘possibly offensive’ and so requiring a warning is actually more offensive than the material itself.

“Oh, there’s a joke in it that isn’t about how funny it is that people sometimes walk differently or that while people are fundamentally similar there are irrelevant little differences to highlight, point out and laugh about? I AM OFFENDED.”

Get over yourself. I’m not saying there are no times to be offended by things, though there are far less times to be offended at comedy then there are anything else, but you and you alone are not the sole arbiter of taste for the whole country. Fucking nanny state bullshit.

This is without even getting into being warned about swearing on a post-watershed show. I yearn for the day logic and good sense makes a comeback (he says as if it ever existed). Maybe we could import some from better countries, like anywhere on the continent or the rest of the world, including places like Zimbabwe, Afghanistan and even – at a push – Switzerland. Ahem.

I can’t even completely blame TV people for this. They wouldn’t feel the need to put these warnings on if terrible wastes of skin didn’t exist who seem to make it their life’s work to bitch, moan and write letters including bitchy moaning.

“Dear Sir, I was offended…” well I wasn’t, so shut the fuck up and watch something else.

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Today, I am a man

Today is a wonderful day. I’m not from a religious family, nor one of much ceremony, so I never had anything like a ceremony that acknowledged my entry into the world of Being A Man. But today I know I have taken my first steps into a greater world. I returned home from work but a boy, and two minutes later I was a man.

And it didn’t even involve a donkey.

No, I received through the post a piece of junk mail from a credit card company. In it, I was informed I had been ‘pre-approved’ for a card and could enjoy such benefits as a credit limit of up to £1,000 and the spectacularly wonderfully great interest rate of 39.9%.

This is the first time I have ever received a pre-approved credit card bit of junk mail, most likely because I’ve been such a bum all of my life. While I felt like I was 50 per cent man after opening and glancing at the letter, I knew I needed to take the final step – I needed to show some initiative so I could join the likes of Chuck Norris and Brian Blessed in Absolute Manhood.

And so I did. I took the letter, I tore it asunder and I threw it callously into the bin. But still something was wrong. This is a learning process, you have to remember, and without guidance I had actually forgotten one important factor: I hadn’t swore under my breath when I binned it. This, as we all know, would have cursed the junk mail to the seventh circle of hell, banished there forevermore.

Next time though, I will make sure to get it right. Then, and only then, will I be 100 per cent man.

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Twitter’s ‘top tweets’, aka: ‘how to spout a complete bunch of arse’.

I have grown fond of Twitter for a few different purposes over the last year or so – I still think it’s excellent for live quippy banter during football matches, for example. Especially as I have no friends and always end up watching it on my own.

But the front page of that site often makes me want to stab, twist and stab again. It’s full of the most sanctimonious bullshit I have had the profound misfortune to ever read – half-baked, nonsensical and downright idiotic gibberish that the morons writing it should be fucking ashamed of. And that’s without going in to the mind-numbing god-squad shit that clutters it up.

Problem is, they’re on the main page of Twitter, seen by millions, so they think they’re actually saying, or doing, something right. They’re not. Here are three examples. Well, two examples and one example of something that’s gone over my head. So I’m the idiot there. Let’s just call that one the control in this study.

First up is MileyCySupportt (yes, that’s an extra ‘t’) with this nugget of wisdom:

“We cant find anything in magazine sites about Liam Hemsworth. Why? Because he’s done. He’s nothing without Miley Cyrus. Thats it.”

I don’t give two flecks of crusty, five-week-old shit about Miley Cyrus and I genuinely have no idea who Liam Hemsworth is. I know who Hemsworth Ian is, but I doubt they’re related. But this user seems to genuinely believe the moronic little shit of a singer gives any semblance of a flying fuck about what they think. They seem to think they have any right to comment on the life and times of said little shit* as if their input is in some way relevant, thoughtful or in the slightest bit important. For that, they can piss the shit off. Yes, I am most likely picking on a 12-year-old here. I’m not even sorry.

Next up is the control example, from CornelWest:

“You can have all the schooling in the world, but If you’re still on the surface, you’re not really educated.”

I’m sure there’s some fine philosophical meaning behind this, but all I get out of it is ‘you need to become a Morlock, otherwise you’re a stupid, stupid twat.’ Which, to be honest, is a damn fine message to put on the front page of Twitter.

But the absolute best of today’s crop has to be this gem of an uplifting, feel-good quote from quotemeifyoucan:

“Don’t try to be a star. Be the moon; it shines brighter than everything in the sky.”

First up is the astounding idiocy on show here in indicating that people should aspire to be either a burning fucking ball of fucking gas in space or a fucking lump of fucking rock in fucking space. That’s before we go into the real kicker here and point out that the only reason the moon shines as it does is because it reflects the light given off by the Sun. The Sun is actually the brightest thing in our sky, as far as I’m aware, and is actually – get this – a fucking star. Little sayings like this don’t just annoy cantankerous old twats like me, they’re actually harmful to society as a whole. Seriously, they are. You bring your little arsehole kids up to spout this nonsense and they will have little to no grasp on how utterly devoid of anything positive life can be, how unrelentingly awful people can be or how all you’re doing is cruising along, keeping your head down and waiting to fucking die. Also they’ll be irritating, chirpy little twunts that just need to shut up before I die of rage.

Fuck you everybody, good night.

*I mean, who in their right mind would ever comment openly on people they don’t actually know, or have any involvement with or contact with? Only a moron, quite clearly.**

**What I’ve done there is cleverly lampoon myself in a hilarious fashion. If you didn’t pick that up then piss off, you’re a moron.

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