I don’t understand why I don’t eat sweets much anymore. Spurred on by the free Love Hearts going to and coming back from New York, I realised – once again – that sweeties are brilliant. I mean, I still eat chocolatey things and shit like that, and the odd Haribo when they appear at work, but I haven’t had a full-on session to try out all the different varieties.
Maybe that’s because the varieties stopped actually varying ages ago and I’ve tried everything there is to try. Though maybe not. Definitely not, in fact. I’m clearly just being a douche. I think even if you asked me to name a new brand of sweets when I was an intrepid sweet-eater I wouldn’t have been able to help you out. Anyway, here are some sweets I’m going to eat in the near future to help remind me sweets are brilliant, as well as help bring me out of this complete and total all-consuming pit of despair my very being seems to be residing in right now… too deep? Hmm.
Because sherbert is brilliant and piss funny, in that it’s lightly-flavoured sugar. Probably with added sugar. Sold as something more innocent. The sly, sherbert-marketing bastards.
No, you dickhead – not the cereal. The hard, suckable, cola-flavoured candies that used to cost 10p for a roll and made your mouth all cut up and sore if you had too many of them. Which I always did. DELICI-YUM.
Possibly the best sweets ever. Possibly not. Strawberry whips were ace too, as they were really long and you could use them to drink Cherry Coke through. It would make it taste EVEN BETTER*.
Alright, so I do still have these every now and then. And Murray Mints. Piss off, I’m an old man at heart. An old, paedo man.
Yes, I am relying on a base-level nostalgia entry today. Just be glad you’re getting anything out of me.
I was recently lucky enough to find the rarest of the rare – a large bag containing 18 smaller packets of Nik Naks, the “knobbly, freaky sticks of corn”. This is something most historians will agree is a good find, I’m sure they’d be all too happy to tell you. You see, the “Nik” “Nak” was a strange beast in the childhood of many Britons – the rebel of the crisp world; not potato, not flat (in fact, not even a regimented shape) and consisting of some frankly ridiculous and non-committal flavours like ‘rib’ or ‘spicy’. Not only were they crisp-like snacks on the fringe of potato chip society, they were happy with their reputation – they thrived in being the outsider; the underdog. We all thought we’d seen the last of them, though, after what we thought to be their entire population was wiped out by an aggressive strain of Gibberella (Red) Ear Rot. But this find – in a dig site located in Lidl – showed us otherwise.
It isn’t clear whether I will be able to get the find declared as treasure just yet, as the coroner is away from his post for the next week or so*. By the time he returns, the find may well have perished after being subjected to the harsh conditions of my room in 2010. Either that or their deliciosity will be their downfall – I have no idea.
What it is safe to say, however, is that this find has brought back some memories of my past, though not a great deal. I mean who actually has a huge portion of their history attributed to a semi-tasty corn-based snack made into questionable shapes? Who? WHO?! TELL ME! No one: that’s who. Which is why, in this frankly bizarre entry, I am going to sign off by saying that nostalgia being linked to snack foods as it so often is, is a sign that this country is going to be a big fat fatty in a few years. It’s also a sign that the next fucking Facebook group I see asking “what happened to Wham bars” or “were Frosties (the sweets, not the cereal) good to throw at the elderly?” I will be forced to take explosive action. You have been warned.
*He’s off hunting marmosets in Kenya – they’re not indigenous to the country, so he has to have them flown over in transport crates. Sometimes, if he’s bored, he’ll make the cargo plane release the crates at high altitude before gunning them down with a flak cannon. He’s not a very nice man, to be honest, but each to their own and all that.