Tag Archives: switzerland

Zurich – the ultimate review (7/10)

Stepping out of the 4×4* into the tight, cobbled back streets of Switzerland’s biggest city** is one thing, but when you step out and there’s a light dusting of snow covering everything – that’s when you know this place is somewhere special. Unfortunately that’s ‘special’ as in ‘massively retarded’, and not special in the sense you all foolishly assumed.

I mean, what would I find alluring about a beautiful, clean, safe and even-more-beautiful city in a country that isn’t run by David Cameron? Nothing, that’s what. If you said “something”, I hate you because you’re wrong and more MASSIVELY RETARDED than Zurich itself.

One thing – and only one thing – I will say going for the city is that I never felt like I belonged. You know those annoying times where you go somewhere and it just clicks? The kind of place you feel like you should have been to a long time before and want to stay for a while? Yeah, none of that here, thankfully. I find it tends to ruin my ability to blindly react to stupid, pointless and thoroughly bewildering (in the bad way) beautiful surroundings.

So all in all, this is one of the worst places I have ever been in my life. If I have to go back again at any point in my life, it will be too soon. It will be too soon and I will want to die. It will be too soon, I will want to die and I will probably go on a hammer-killing spree. Consider yourselves warned.

7/10

*Necessary, owing to the winding mountain roads coated in snow. Unlike in Bournemouth/London/Leeds/Manchester/etc. Cocks.

**It might not be, I haven’t bothered checking or even asking the girl from Zurich sat next to me.

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Being somewhere doesn’t make you FROM somewhere. Learn from this, internet things

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it already, but I’m in another country. While this country doesn’t belong to the EU, it does sit in the middle of the continent known as Europe (as well as being involved in the European trade something, or something. I forget). Basically, it’s Foreignia. Not England. Full of people who use languages I don’t understand.

But being here for a couple of weeks doesn’t mean I’m going to be here forever. It doesn’t mean I speak these stupid languages (STUPID), it doesn’t mean I live here, it doesn’t mean I’m never going home. In fact, I know exactly when I’m going home, I’m slightly better at speaking English after being here for just a few days and I absolutely am not giving up my British passport – it has a unicorn on the front, for fuck’s sake.

The reason I mention this isn’t because my friends or family are worried I’m abandoning The Queen’s own land. No, the reason I feel the need to mention it is because – apparently – all companies in the world seem to think I’m in Switzerland forever and I am never coming back. According to Google, I automatically want all of my results in German, even after I change the language settings for the thirtieth time (I’m too lazy to actually type .co.uk in the address bar). That’s quite annoying, but I can live with it, mainly by engaging in the solution buffered by parenthesis in the last sentence.

But the other things are genuinely annoying. Steam, the wallet-rapist, is midway through its Christmas sale, offering games I want (but will never play) at stupidly low prices. Now let’s ignore the fact that it tries to charge me in euros, which actually make the prices a quid or two more than God’s British Pounds. No, what annoys me here is I’m apparently just not allowed to buy things thanks to being in another country. Makes… sense?

The one that really annoyed and confused me, though, was O2. I have been looking a fair bit recently at upgrading my phone, as my contract is up soon – I’ve mentioned it about 89 times before. As such, I went to the site this evening and tried to look through the shop to see what’s on offer. “You’re not in the UK, so piss off” was the basic response. Unperturbed, I entered my login details and went through the upgrade button to get my upgrade code so I could browse the mega-super-personalised options (that definitely aren’t the same as everyone else’s). Seems even being logged in with the system knowing you are a UK resident holding an existing contract (with the company you’re currently using the site of) means a complete bag of shit-faced nothings in the eyes of O2.

In the grand scheme, it means very little. But right now, it’s bloody annoying.

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Updating the places to live list

I have to say, this whole Wikileaks thing has certainly revealed some things I didn’t think we were going to get thrust in our faces in such an obvious fashion. Not the leaks themselves – they’re too numerous and there’s much too much that’s genuinely horrifying for me to do it justice by chatting about it here (maybe I will in future) – but in the way the countries of the word have banded together to help me fill out my complete ‘yes, I would live there’ list.

See, I never really wanted to live in the US, and now they’ve revealed that they’re open to allowing journalists to call for the assassination of someone then yeah, I’m not up with that. As for politicians doing the same? Wow. Also: Sarah Palin. Hmm. Even the Canadians said something twatty, so they have to be struck off the list now.

The Swedes aren’t helping by trying to lure Assange in for questioning on a rape charge that was dropped months ago. I think it’s pretty obvious to anyone with a brain (1.3% of the population of the world, apparently) that he’ll be on an unmarked cargo plane to an undisclosed location before his feet hit Gothenburg’s ground. So Sweden, much as I love it, has to go.

Australia? Let me down. Britain? Still shit. France? French. Spain? Doing well in trying to arrest the CIA dweebs, but I never wanted to live there anyway. Russia? Hah! See, I’ve noticed something. And it scares me. All of these names are dropping off the list and leaving me with fewer options.

And the one option remaining is Switzerland. Because they haven’t behaved like dickheads in all of this. Sigh. But that probably has to be struck off the list due to the fact that I don’t have enough money for them. The bastards. DIDN’T EVEN WANT TO LIVE THERE ANYWAY.

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