LET THE UM, SEE THE BONGO (I made that one up myself)

Today is a day of seriously aching muscles, to the point it’s a struggle to stand, move, make a cup of tea (that’s the worst part) and saunter to the shop for milk when you’ve run out of milk for said painful tea. It is a day for, mercifully, having a work-related reason for sitting on your bum bum all day playing games in your pants. But, most importantly – and wonderfully, considering the previous point – it is a day for planning what my talent will be for when I apply for the hit ITV dating show presented by ex-Gregg’s spokesgit Paddy McGuinness Take Me Out.

Yes folks, spurred on by the appearance of a friend on Dave Lamb-narrated Come Dine With Me spin-off Come Date With Me* I have decided I will submit an application to be on one of the most confusingly captivating television shows of the last decade. I will, naturally, get picked as it is nature’s way to put me in the most humiliating circumstances known to man.

As such, I will require a talent to both write on the application form and to perform on the show proper. I have been given some suggestions, I have come up with a few myself, but here is the preliminary list:

Kick rocks at the girls
I once, definitely on purpose, kicked a rock in a female friend’s face. She’s a friend now, I’d literally only met her that night when I kicked the crap out of that rock. It broke her glasses, gave her a black eye and made her cry. I have never felt better about myself. It would work wonders on TV.

Play videogames in my pants
Because, according to what’s happened today, I’m really bloody good at it. It’s not a talent – it’s a calling.

Abandon the talent bit and let friends/family talk about me on an awful, short video segment
I wouldn’t want to put the “lovely” ladies off** with a barrage of praise about how undeniably incredible I am, so this is probably one for the back burner. I’m just. Too. Good.

Juggle
I haven’t yet mastered the art of juggling, but I can do a single jug. This is more than impressive enough, I feel, as the show regularly has people on it whose talents are things like standing still, having muscles or being able to have their body painted a funny colour.

Play video games in a suit
I’ve never actually done this, but I reckon I’d be awesome at it. In the English sense of the word, not the pared-down, bastardised American way people use it nowadays.

Put a lot of time into the Mass Effect series
I’m so good at this I should have a statue of my awesomeness (Americanised) erected on some kind of holy ground.

Sing songs from the hit motion picture Highlander
WHO WAAAAAAANTS TO LIIVE FOREVEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRR OHHHHHHHHHH WHENLOVEMUSTDIIIIEEEE

I will win that show so hard.

*DO YOU SEE WHAT THEY DID THERE

**Bit harsh, but also funny.