I’m not sure how lazy this makes me, but on returning home yesterday I arrived back to a flat in a state I simply do not experience these days. Never before in the enlightened age has it come to this, yet here I was – living proof that the times I thought I had left behind me were, in fact, not at all left behind me.
No, not the piles of rubbish all over the floor. They add to the ambience of the place. And not the tons of crap everywhere either. We’ve already established I’m a terrible hoarder and that I have more stuff than I do room.
No, this was something altogether worse. This was… I find it hard to even say it. It’s embarrassing. It’s sickening.
I was out of milk.
I’m sorry. I am.
But on returning and seeing this – this thing that hadn’t happened for years until today – I had to act quickly, decisively and simply: turn around, go back out of the house, walk to the shop, buy some milk. I did not do that.
I can make all the excuses I want: I was tired from travelling; I had just taken my shoes off; I was on the beer anyway. But none of them will ever make up for the fact that, for the last 36 hours or however long I’ve been back, I have been without milk.
Fortunately, I’m now getting the tea and coffee cravings to such a degree that I have to leave the house. If I look like a smackhead looking for his next fix, you’ll know why.
I am astoundingly lazy, to the point where – when I actually think about it – I surprise myself. I mean, for the last few weeks I haven’t eaten a great deal while at home. No food in the house has been a reason for this in the past, but I do have food. No, I just can’t be bothered cooking anything. And by “cooking” I mean “making some pasta go into its edible state then dousing it in some pre-made sauce”. I even have fresh produce that’s gone… less fresh… as I just couldn’t be bothered using it up.
Have I gone mental? Can someone with some kind of degree in brainology tell me what’s wrong? I am hungry, but I’m not ‘oweeee it hurrrrts’ starving, but I just can’t be bothered. It doesn’t seem worth the effort, somehow.
Maybe I should just get a massive stock of Pot Noodle-like snack food things, as I always boil the kettle for tea and coffee so… wait – it just dawned on me. I have no milk, therefore I have no way of making tea (also I ran out of coffee so it eliminates the black option). This means I have nothing pushing me to constantly return to the kitchen, and I in fact feel like going to the kitchen would bring back too many painful memories of the fact I have no milk, thus meaning I am avoiding the kitchen because I have no milk.
And avoiding the kitchen means I will make no food. It’s so simple when you think about it out loud. Nope, definitely nothing wrong with me in my head – it’s all because of a lack of milk. SORTED.
Coffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffee. I love coffee, it’s delicious and nourishing, plus it makes you look cool if you drink it. Or something. This is my theory at least. But it goes beyond that – coffee is a necessary part of my day, as well as being a delicious treat for the whole family.
One thing I was wondering though – is there a ‘classy’ version of instant coffee? I have access to a couple of ways of making proper coffee, but who can be arsed making it like that all the time? Not me, that’s who. Instead, I like to put a spoonful of instant in a mug with some hot water, two sugars and milk then drink that badboy up (after it’s cooled a bit). Coffee is wonderful. Wonderful, wonderful stuff. I love coffee.
None of this is to say I don’t like tea, or that I’m disrespecting that wonderful drink in any way at all. It’s impossible to ignore such a British institution and I am as much of a lover of tea as anyone – probably more so in fact, just because I’m brilliant when it comes to making and consuming hot drinks (well, just tea and coffee). It’s just that tea doesn’t have as many varieties to me as coffee does*, making coffee the much more fun experience. Or something.
Having said all this, I don’t think I’m going to sign off with an “I’m going to have a coffee now!” as it’s past nine and it might keep me up. I need all the sleep in the world, otherwise I’ll be a big grump. Though I do really want one…
*I’m aware of the idiocy of this statement, especially as I have no less than four different kinds of tea in my cupboard right now, compared to just two types of coffee.