Tag Archives: technology

The future is an angry place, potentially

Apparently, according to this that I just gone done read, the future of gaming (and computers in general) will see software that can read and register your emotional state. It can then react accordingly – maybe a game will make a character talk to you differently, or the system will automatically play music to suit, or change, your mood, or maybe it will offer to talk to you OH ROBO-COMPANIONSHIP WHY AREN’T YOU HERE NOW?


But I fear this future (it will recognise my fear). Not because I’m a fuddy duddy Luddite from ah-ha-ha the past, but for one very good reason: when I am sat in front of my games console, TV, a movie screen, my computer or whatever else I only ever experience two emotions: angry and angrier (and sometimes hungry. Is that an emotion? What about fire, is that an emotion?*).

The system wouldn’t even have to be complex to deal with my technological-viewing states, meaning I would feel it to be a bit of a waste of money and scientific endeavour. On the other side, the computer would probably end up confused – if it’s been programmed to get confused – and not know why it could never please me with anything it does.

Poor potential future computer – it’s not your fault. The problem lies with the fact I am an angry and hateful young (old) man. I shout at videogames because they are SHIT and WRONG. I shout at the computer because it is SHIT and WRONG. I shout at TV because it sometimes has David Cameron on it so it is therefore SHIT and WRONG. I am angry and angrier, in general, because things are SHIT and WRONG.

So this future-tech isn’t the way we should go. Not because it won’t work, or scares me, or might take over the world or anything like that. No, we shouldn’t go this way because I don’t want to risk confusing, upsetting or alienating a hypothetical computer.

I think I need to go to bed, on that note.

*Ah, stealing from Eugene Mirman. You’ll know him as the landlord in Flight Of The Conchords. Look him up, he amuses me.


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I am now officially a Luddite

I’ve been whining about it a fair bit since about 1905 hours, but that’s because I’m pissed off about it. Hence I’m allowed to whine. Turns out that technology, when operated in the manner in which it is meant to be operated, doing exactly the job it is meant to do, when in good condition and high of battery level – when all of that combined, when you see no problems, when it’s never let you down before – that’s when the fucking thing will break.

As such, I have decided to give up all technology. I will become a Luddite. I will no longer give myself over to these robotic bastards that try to dominate our lives. For too long we have been reliant on technology – from the makeshift hammering tools that helped our Homo Erectus forebears become the people we are today to the automated wanking machines you definitely don’t see all over the internet.

I’m making a stand. No more will I use the things that make my life easier, because I know I cannot rely on them. They will only let me down, piss me off and cost me money. Sure, they might help sometimes – but only when it suits them, the motherfuckers. “Oh, look at me, I’m a dictaphone and I’ll decide not to work now.” Cock.

I mean, I’ll probably still use computers, because otherwise I’d be really bored. And games consoles, for the same reason. And I’d need to keep my TV to cover the console thing. And all the added bits and bobs I have around to augment and improve my gaming, computing and TV-watching experiences. And I’d need to keep hold of my phone, because I know how shit it is to not have a phone.

Also I’d want to keep all the other miscellanea, because I hate not having stuff and I’m too selfish to give it away. As well as too lazy to bother selling it all.

But yeah, definite Luddite. I’ll use the Conkies from Fist Of Fun as my inspiration. I would do a link-o to a video, but I can’t find one.

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Everything’s amazing and nobody’s happy

I like to complain about things, because complaining makes me feel like I have some kind of handle – some kind of control on the world around me. When I don’t. I really don’t. And the things I complain about tend to be the most insignificant nothings you could ever imagine.

The 3G on my phone didn’t work for about five minutes earlier. People nearly died because of that. My internet ceased to function for the one minute I definitely had to look at Twitter. The vein-bulge in my forehead still hasn’t gone down.

But it’s stupid. It’s not worth getting worked up about. So I’m trying to teach myself the zen of Louis CK (as introduced to me – properly – by NewDad himself, Jon Denton). This clip pretty much sums it up:

It should be the way to think. It should. But it won’t. I’ll keep on complaining when my TV – that I got for free – won’t turn on until I turn it off at the mains and back on again (taking an extra 20 seconds). I’ll keep whining when my trophies won’t sync fast enough on the PS3, or I struggle to get the hard drive back on my 360.

It’s not just me – I’ll listen to people like Bar-nes complain about Android SDKs and his computer. I’ll see people moan that too many people are moaning on Twitter, or complain that they wanted to do something then didn’t, for no reason other than they just didn’t do it.

But all the time, in the back of my head, I’ll be trying to think like Louis.

And failing.

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FREE LCD TV! (not really, but something boring about shopping instead!)

Shocked you may be to learn this, but I am not what you would call ‘a shopper’. I don’t just not shop for things until I really have to, I actually let stuff like clothing fall to pieces before I will replace it. Some would say this is thrify, but they are idiots. I do this because I despise shopping. I never browse. I never want to aimlessly walk around for hours on end, comparing tops and going “I want it, I can afford it and it will work out as a sound – and fashionable – investment. BUT OHMYGOD SHOULD I BUY IT I DON’T THINK I WILL OHMYGOD” thirty two times in the space of four minutes.

Transport me to the world of online shopping though, and things are a little bit different. Make that online shopping for electronics and technology and you’ve got yourself some bona-fide nerd levels of interest going on. Case in point: I spent two hours this morning doing nothing but traipsing through reviews and prices for televisions, just because I may, as some point in the next month or two, be able to pick one up for cheap.

It’s not even a certainty, yet I’ve spent hours of my day doing pretty much nothing – even less than when I’m playing games or watching TV or films – because I’ve… sigh… enjoyed it. I’m not hugely technically-minded, but I know what the numbers and acronyms stand for. I can see why it might confuse people, but not me. And as a result, I want to read about the difference in performance between a 10m HDMI lead and its gold-plated equivalent. I want to know how the TV can be hung up on the wall. And I do care that the contrast ratio is less than I expected it to be.

So yeah. Turns out I do like shopping. Damn.

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Why I don’t need an iPad (formerly: “Why I love my NC10”)

Put simply, my purchase of a Samsung NC10 a few months ago may well rank as one of – if not the – best purchases I’ve ever made. For those unaware – and who actually care – it’s a tiny laptop, 10.1” screen, Windows blah blah blah. Basically it weighs nothing, is small and can play lots of games/serve as something I can do work on/play movies/look at por… the internet. It was purchased on a whim and has turned out to be one of the better things I’ve bought. Way better than the ‘used three times’ protective bag I bought for my big laptop or the ‘really a bit too big’ massive dictionary I bought on a whim.

Aside from its wonderful functionality, the fact that I can write, watch movies or play games like Syndicate, Planescape Torment, KOTOR and other such treats on the train is one thing, but the fact it only cost me £160 is something that makes me exceedingly happy, as that turns it from a sensible purchase into an out-and-out bargain.

Did I mention it’s really tiny? It is. Even a child could carry it, though I wouldn’t trust them to not drop it, the little bastards.

The purchase of the NC10 has meant my PSP has had most of its usefulness trumped, this much I have to admit, as I now have ten inches to play with on the train rather than the four I had to struggle with for so long. A sad, but necessary evolution in my journeying.

(I should point out that if there isn’t a plug socket around I tend to be boned, as the battery runs out in 3-4 hours. BALANCED REPORTING!)

I could very easily turn this into some bold claims of how I don’t feel the need to shout from the rooftops about my magical portable electronic beast, or try and substitute it for my penis, or even to rant about how it’s an investment of functionality over being a lifestyle choice like it would be if it were an iPad. But I won’t. Because for one, that would be slightly hypocritical as – however unglamorous it is – this post is still about how ace I am for having an NC10. And two, I just can’t be bothered. I really don’t care that much.

Anyway, long train journey next week – must make plans of what games to put on it.

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iPads and some wankers who own them

Sitting across from us on the train today were two men – casual business types, tucked in shirts with jeans and shoes. You know the kind. They were discussing businessy things in an affable manner. It was the kind of thing I normally wouldn’t pay attention to, were it not for the fact that both of them were boasting about their fucking iPad cases. Not only that, but one of the men was demonstrating to the other a few iPad features in a video on his Macbook, while they both caressed their own iPads and one of them texted on his iPhone. I’m not joking. I have a photo on my phone, but I can’t find the cable I need to transfer it (pesky limited technology, if only there were some easy-to-use system possibly involving wifi or 3G I could use on some kind of phone-like object in order to transfer the file easily…).

I find it hilarious and reasonably infuriating that these utter dickheads managed to steal some of my attention away from 30 Rock on the way home. How they could be such oblivious, unbelievable twats I do not know.

But then I think – “I’m in the business of videogames, I tend to sit on the train with workmates chatting about videogames, often while playing videogames. Therefore I am just as bad as these people.”

But then I think: “Nah”, because I don’t opt to play on the PSP in public just to show the surrounding plebs how big my swingin’ cod is. And all is right in the world again.

(Shite entry, sorry. Think I’ve got quiche poisoning)


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