Tag Archives: test

Are you a psychopath? TAKE THE TEST.

I read this on the Grauniad earlier today and found it really rather captivating. It reminded me of the stories about ‘heroes’ in the Second World War who, when they were tested or reviewed later on, were found to generally be psychopaths. Mainly because they had no fear, nor did they care what happened to themselves or others.

Anyway, turns out there’s a standardised test to see if you are indeed a psychopath. Which is hilarious – it’s like all those other internet test things we all do, except if you get a high score it doesn’t mean you’re a space lion from the web or whatever. No, it means you’re a danger to society.

Naturally, I’m going to demand you all take the test. Mark yourselves on each of these things about your personality, 0, 1 or 2. 0 being least true and 2 being most true. Add up the numbers. If you score 30 or above, you are a psychopath. I, for example, scored a rather pathetic 12.

Item 1 Glibness/superficial charm

Item 2 Grandiose sense of self-worth

Item 3 Need for stimulation/proneness to boredom

Item 4 Pathological lying

Item 5 Cunning/manipulative

Item 6 Lack of remorse or guilt

Item 7 Shallow affect

Item 8 Callous/lack of empathy

Item 9 Parasitic lifestyle

Item 10 Poor behavioural controls

Item 11 Promiscuous sexual behaviour

Item 12 Early behaviour problems

Item 13 Lack of realistic long-term goals

Item 14 Impulsivity

Item 15 Irresponsibility

Item 16 Failure to accept responsibility for own actions

Item 17 Many short-term marital relationships

Item 18 Juvenile delinquency

Item 19 Revocation of conditional release

Item 20 Criminal versatility

Oh and if any of you do score over 30 then you’re my favourite friend/reader.

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You can’t even driiiiiive!

For some reason I’ve been thinking recently that I really should learn to drive. Then that line of thought gets onto the fact that I started learning back when I was 17. Then I remember I’m 27 now. Then my brain tends to say something along the lines of: “Oh. Bollocks.”

I had a dozen or so lessons, but then went to uni and kind of forgot about it. Then when I came back a couple of years later and had some time to learn again, I stopped again when I decided to go back to uni. Again. And I absolutely was not about to try and learn in Preston, as I value the whole Not Dying thing. There’s logic in there somewhere.

But do I really need to know how to drive? I walk to work, and if I can’t there’s a bus stop 11 seconds walk from my house. I could use a car to drive up to Manchester instead of taking the train, but the added cost of petrol, tax and all that other shit cars require means it would probably end up costing more than it does without a car. Generally, it makes me think of this:

Maybe I’m just trying to convince myself that I’ve not actually done the wrong, idiotic thing by not learning to drive. Who knows? I do. It’s that. Yep. I should have learned to drive by now. I could own a van and everything. Instead I’m relegated to having to walk or take buses, and I have no independence when it comes to actually getting anywhere. Balls.

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What will it be like when I get old?

Unfortunately there was never a definite point in life when I suddenly became an adult. I mean, I still find farts the height of comic sophistication and the first thing I do when given a pen and piece of paper is draw a knob, so I’m clearly not really a grown up. But then you realise what’s been playing on your mind for the last few weeks – money worries, unpaid bills, something about council tax bands – and you realise that WHOOPS ALFUCKINGMIGHTY, you’re supposed to be a real person now.

Well I don’t think it’s on, and I propose that the inevitable arrival of a Tory Cunt Government should bring with it a complete change on how growing up is handled, so the youth of today don’t go through what we’ve all been through when they realise they’re concerned about the longevity of a bookshelf they’ve had their eye on. For argument’s sake, I’d say it’ll last you a good ten years – at least.

The Jewish faith has it nailed on, more or less – a Bar (or Bat) Mitzvah, where the child becomes responsible for their own actions. In essence, they become an adult. We need a modified version of this for Britain as a whole, to hit at a different point depending on your circumstances. Obviously early school leavers would have to have the ceremony held at 16, probably in-between shifts at the call centre (and only if they have team leader permission). Whereas the layabouts like me who went to uni would have to wait until they were about 24/25 for the event – after all, post-uni you need a good few years to adjust to the fact that you’re expected to do things now, so throwing someone still adjusting straight into adulthood could have dire, explosive consequences.

Basically, what I’m saying is: I don’t like paying bills. Fuck you bills, fuck you EON and your debt collection agencies and fuck you mobile phones for letting those pricks get in touch with me.

Good day.

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