Tag Archives: the future

You can call it The Future Cube

I’m still awaiting the time where everything I want – movies, books, games, TV shows, other things – is available in one device. One device I can carry with me wherever I go, hook up to any TV or amplifier or whatever. One device not limited to one set format, or one style of game, or one place where it can be used.

We’re getting there. The iPad shows you photos, lets you watch films you’ve downloaded and listen to music you’ve acquired. It lets you stream TV shows and movies. It lets you play games and blah de blah all the rest of it.

You’ve seen the adverts (made by dickheads for dickheads, natch).

But it doesn’t do everything. The games on it aren’t the games I always want to play. It isn’t a simple case of getting whatever film I want through it and hooking it up to the TV so I can watch it with proper sound and visuals. It doesn’t have Everybody’s Golf on it.

We’re getting there though. Will we get there? Dunno. Platform holders are too twatty and selfish and wouldn’t want One Device To Rule Them All. But hey, that’s not a discussion I’m about to have with myself at half nine on a Sunday evening*.

I’m only saying this because I’m running out of space to dump all the shit I have. The book box is full to bursting, the DVDs and Blu-rays take up All The Cupboard, games are littered everywhere. I even have a bag full of OLD SCHOOOOOOL photos, mainly old ones from when we were at school (uni technically, but why ruin a hilarious joke?).

So hurry up tech people – decide on a single, all-encompassing format that does absolutely everything I want it to do. Then space won’t matter as much and it will be one tiny thing off my mind.

*It really, really is. And it’ll be held out loud.

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Kinect: THE FUTURE (it’s not)

I currently have The Future Of Videogames here in my house. I mean, technically I’m well behind the times as it’s Kinect, and Kinect has been out for ages. So it’s not really the future, more the now. But you know what I mean.

Anyway, it’s not the future. Something I have to move my sofa almost onto my bed in order to be able to play is not the future of gaming. I like just picking up a pad and jabbing the ‘shoot foreign men’ button. Speaking of which, I don’t want to use my body as a controller. I want to use a controller as a controller.

I don’t want to have to jump around in my room just to play some shitty game. I want to press X to stab the brown person who speaks funny. I don’t want to bump and clatter around all the stuff in my not-too-big flat.

Which leads me on to: I don’t like jumping and moving much because my floorboards make noise and, while it hasn’t happened in two years of living here, I still get the fear my idiot housemate will complain. That all comes back to a pathological fear stretching back to the insane scrubbers who lived next to us in Preston.

I digress.

I mean, Dance Central 2 is great and I had a lot of fun doing the boogie on down on my own in my pyjamas, but… not all the time. It’s not the future. It’s part of now.

Can you tell I’m having to play a Kinect game right now? Yeah, that. It’s alright. I just don’t like having to move even after I’ve done my exercise for the day. Ah, laziness.

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Drink H20 before writing a Five Year Plan in order to Set Your Goals

I’ve had Five Year Plan by H20 stuck in my head recently (don’t look it up – you won’t like it), which has been making me think about those stupid one/five/ten-year plans some idiots make you make. I remember having to make one in school which – I think – ended up with talk of attaching shotguns to the legs of a cheetah.

Though that may well have been a biology presentation I did about natural selection. In fact, it definitely was – highlighting how if a cheetah had shotty-legs it would be far more dominant on the savannah.

Anyway, I also did one in some back to work thing I did after being unemployed (“lazy”) for ages. I think my main goal I decided on wasn’t to get a job, a house, settle down or any of that – it was to get a dog. I was told off for not taking it seriously. I was being dead serious. Think I passed that particular milestone without completing the task. Bollocks.

But I don’t think I could really make a five-year plan right now. I suppose that’s part of the point of it – making you think about where you are and where you want to be, rather than allowing yourself to simply drift along like normal.

But I really don’t know. I like my job, so being in it in five years probably wouldn’t be that bad. But will magazines exist by that time? Will I still be in Bourney-M? I don’t like sticking around in one place too long, but it’s not like I’m looking to run off anywhere. Will I be fired for gross incompetawesomeness? Probably. Then what would I do? No idea.

See, this is why I couldn’t do one right now. I have no idea about anything. I wanted to be a games journalist when I was growing up. I am one now. I wanted to write a kids story. I did (I never said I wanted it published or to be a success so SHUT YOUR TRAP). Do I want to write a book? I don’t know. Comedy? Something like that. Maybe. Learn how to actually manage my ambitions and figure out what I want to do in the next five years? WHO KNOWS.

Which brings me to another band: Set Your Goals (don’t look them up – you won’t like them).

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3D: the future of the thing that’s in my hands right now

I have a 3DS in my hands right now. Well, next to me because I had to put it down so I could type. It’s not mine, it’s work’s, but it’s here with me right now. Does this make me cool? It is the most pre-ordered games machine in Amazon’s history, or something, so it must make all the children and middle-aged women love me. Right? RIGHT?

Anyway, this is the third or fourth time I’ve dicked about with one of these little future-boxes. For those not in the know, I shall do my traditional explanation here. It is a Nintendo DS – you know what they are, you’ve probably got one for your cooking things and your Sudoku things and your fitness things and your dog things and all your other shit things that aren’t real games. It’s one of those, but the top screen on it outputs in 3D.

You don’t have to wear glasses, it just beams the 3D rays directly into your squidgy, tiny mind. Basically it’s voodoo in handheld console form. What does this mean? Well, it means you can now play your cooking things and your Sudoku things and your fitness things and your dog things and all your other shit things that aren’t real games – IN 3D. See? The future is now.

I’m sure you all care what I think of it, and even if you don’t I want to pad this out a bit more before I post it. It’s heavier than I expected, to the point that I can see it causing wrist fatigue in the weaker of its users. Me, then. Also the 3D hurts my head after about half an hour, which can’t be good. Screw you, future – I hate you anyway. Other than that, I need to wait until it has some games I care about until I buy one of my own.

Oh no wait I have one pre-ordered and have done for months. OPPS.

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A smartphone discovery NONE OF YOU* HAVE EVER DISCOVERED BEFORE

I will admit to having some reservations about getting myself a smartphone. For one, they’re called ‘smartphones’, which is a dickish term if ever I’ve heard one**. Also, most people who own smartphones have iPhones, and I’ve had my say on that whole crowd before. Well, some of the crowd. Well, likely the minority of the crowd, but the most vocal. Also my phone did what I needed it to do, so why would I bother?

Anyway, as I’ve pointed out a few times before, my old phone came to the end of its 24-month contract, so I got a new one. A smart one. One the size of a small house. And I am a complete and total convert, just a week into ownership.

Yes, it has Angry Birds for free, but who (while at the same time as being me) actually gives a fuck? And yes, I can freely and openly download emulators for the GBA, SNES, Mega Drive and even PlayStation (and ROMs (games) too, which is weird as surely it’s massively illegal?), but why does that matter?

See, what actually got me – something I hadn’t really considered before – was that while standing outside the pub the other day definitely not smoking a cigarette I got a beep. “Oh! A message!” I thought, “what a glorious day this will be!” I checked, and it was a message – only it was AN EMAIL MESSAGE DIRECT FROM THE INTERNET. My mind: blown.

So yes, it means I have little excuse for not being reachable all the time by everyone, but for now at least the novelty is still fresh. Even if 99% of what I get is junk from casinos. And that’s your lot for today.

*All of you.

**Speaking of technology being smart: BAM. Though admittedly that’s a bit of a stupid comparison, as our brains don’t work like computers and vice versa. ANYWAY.

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Burning nostalgia

Nostalgia is a powerful thing, as we’re all well aware – “ooooh, the past was really good like” they’ll say, “ooooh, I liked it when we were allowed to be racist in public” they’ll add. But it’s not all-encompassing, and I don’t just mean for the more negative aspects of the past. I’m currently burning a DVD, which is something I rarely – if ever – do anymore. To me, this is an action I would perform in the past, so therefore is something I could very easily be nostalgic about. But I’m not.

This is a good thing, as it shows to me that my mind isn’t actually completely insane. While some will hark back to the days where pop didn’t cost as much as if that’s anything that matters at all and others will bring up how much better off we were in the (more dangerous, less healthy) past I can safely say I am not that blinkered by daftness. Why? Because my brain hasn’t yet romanticised the act of burning data to a CD or DVD.

As a result of all this, I’m hopeful that future-Ian will be able to keep thinking along the same lines, and that I don’t allow clouded and confusing emotions to get in the way of a cold and calculated recollection of the past. When we’re using space-Twitter in the future I don’t want to be going on non-stop about how a 142 character limit (in space) will never be as good as “all we ever needed” in the shape of the 140 character limit of the past. When we’re riding on space-buses I sincerely hope I won’t be endlessly ranting about how the past-buses (or non-space-buses, as we called them) were better because travelling slower and for more money was a sign of quality.

I hope all this and I think all of this based on the fact that I’m currently burning a DVD. I have to say I miss the days when my brain wasn’t ridiculous.

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100th episode spectacular

I was originally going to save this for the 138th edition of this blog and pay homage to The Simpsons in doing so, but sod it: this is the 100th entry to this here thing I expected to stop doing after a week. As such, let’s take a wacky, zany and altogether ker-azy look back at some of the most wonderful entries I’ve made. Yay for clip shows!

Of course, this is where it all began. The first entry. The bit where I admit to having copied the ideas of a few people, though neither of the One A Day twosome do this anymore. I think it’s a prime example of how I have grown as a person.

Then what about my still-frighteningly accurate Come Dine With Me menu? I really do need to be bothered enough to eat better. I think it’s a prime example of how I have grown as a person.

The favourite image debate is one that will be raging for months to come. In my head, at least. Still, it’s a toss-up between my love for clementines or the Trian Crash right now. I think it’s a prime example of how I have grown as a person.

It’s not the best thing ever written, but I do actually like my Future Is Sterile entry. So there. I think it’s a prime example of how I have grown as a person.

Then of course there are entries like Biffovision and The Best Joke Ever which you should look at because they give you something to watch. I think it’s a prime example of how I have grown as a person.

I think the most popular post, or at least the one that people mention the most to me, has to be Sweden: The Definitive Review (7/10). I have no idea why, mind you. I think it’s a prime example of how I have grown as a person.

Let’s see what the next hundred bring.

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